Panto tickets- Christmas present?

[longdistanceclaraaa]

My inlaws want to take us and our two kids (7 and 9) plus my adult sister in law to a panto. Fine. Not my thing but happy to go and be grateful etc. particularly if it gives them an afternoon out that they want with the family.

They then announced that this was our (mine and DH's) Christmas present.

This seems strange to me. They've bought something they want (a family trip to the panto) but are calling it a present for the two of us. It also won't be SIL's Christmas present- just ours apparently. I am not sure why it is supposed to be a a particular treat for us out of everybody going, presumably because it is us who have kids. I would say at most that our own personal ticket might be considered a gift but no- the entire amount of taking all seven of us is considered to be mine and DH's present.

Is that not strange? Why would this be a be a particular treat for us? This is not how I'd choose to spend an afternoon over the Christmas holidays. I actually think we are doing this for them, going to something we (as adults) would not choose to go to but are prepared to go for them.

I think we should be politely grateful to them for taking us and they should be grateful to us for giving up our time to give them an event they want over the holidays but which we would never choose to do ourselves. But no, they somehow think this whole event is such a treat for DH and me that it amounts to our Christmas present.

AIBU?

I'm not, by the way, worried about the cost or into transactional gifts. This is not about the money. It is about the principle of buying yourself something which compels others to give up time they'd prefer to spend on other things to do something they won't particularly enjoy and then call it their gift (but no one else's).

But it's not the OPs cup of tea and clearly her in laws didn't check to see if she'd like to go so it's not comparable to you buying friends who you know like the theater tickets to shows?

She was happy to attend so they could all spend some family time together but I think it's fair to question why it's now being presented as her and DHs gift.

I do get where you are coming from, however I think if you look at the individual circumstances of the OTHER people in the group you might understand.

in-laws are paying for themselves.

they are paying for their grandchildren as really the whole evening is about the children getting to go to a panto and they are treating them. they are probably also looking forward to buying their grandchildren other Christmas presents and seeing their joy opening them at Christmas.

their adult single daughter is coming along to see her nieces and nephews enjoy the panto. Her parents are treating her but it’s not her Christmas present because that could mean that on Christmas Day she might literally have no other gifts to open. Plus these aren’t her children.

Then there is you and DH. Your in-laws are paying for your whole family to go to the panto and have decided that this will be your main present. It may not be YOUR idea of joy but seeing your children enjoy it will surely be worth something.

i do get that if someone said here’s £100, spend it on yourself you’d not choose a panto but i think on balance it’s still a nice thing of them to do and it’s not a slight on you at all.

get your DH to buy you an extra pressie on Christmas to make up for it and don’t think about it again.

Must be awful having what sound like kind, generous in laws who love and want to spend time with their grandchildren 🤷‍♀️

I get your point of view OP but I would just go with the flow. Most children love pantomimes and if it's a well produced one (or even if not!) will give the children a lovely Christmas memory.

I would just tell them that it is lovely idea but not your cup of tea or I would offer to pay for your and DH’s ticket if your that bothered about having it as a Christmas

So would it be ok if the in-laws only took the grandchildren and this was the grandchildren’s Christmas present. Then like lots of other adults, didn’t waste money buying the parents gifts?

I get your point, each ticket should be that persons gift, it would be ok if the kids and the SIL then got additional gifts because because that’s their daughter and children always get more gifts than people who are parents.

I get given panto tickets every year as my gift but a) I love panto and I would go anyway b) each ticket is that individual persons gift c) were involved in the buying of the tickets, selecting seats and choosing dates etc.

You'd hate my in laws then; one year our Christmas present was a family ticket for indoor skydiving and another year, a family ticket for a board game convention/expo in a city hundreds of miles from here.

The indoor skydiving actually turned out to be brilliant fun and the boardgame thingy...well, I just stayed at home and DH took the DCs and a friend in my place.

Sometimes a present isn’t exactly what you’d have chosen for yourself. Your in laws think a nice gift is to treat you to a family day out. It’s not what you’d have chosen but it’s not strange or weird, it’s just a gift not perfectly to your taste.

There seems to be an increasing expectation that Christmas presents will always be exactly what one would choose for oneself and that being given something that isn’t precisely what one wants is a source of offence or irritation. But your in laws are doing a nice thing which is thoughtful, even if they have misjudged.

Does SIL have kids? As an adult who is a parent I don't expect gifts. Personally I think it's a nice gift and would be delighted with that. Pantos are very expensive and it sounds like a lovely afternoon. If SiL also has kids I don't think its a reasonable that it isn't her gift too.

I’m not a fan of panto but go every year with DC. I wouldn’t be thrilled with panto tickets but I do prefer to do experience based gifts rather than stuff especially stuff that wings it’s way to charity shop three months later. Just go with good grace and suggest taking everyone for afternoon tea or something as your gift in return.

That’s perfectly normal IMO. I’d be fine to go to lots of places with someone who wants to go, but not when they pass it off as a treat for me. Plus getting actual presents is nice, and I assume OP is expected to give the others actual presents too.

Thanks everyone

They have already bought the tickets. They asked my DH to book them for them, which he did, then said they'd give him the money and that it would be our Christmas present.

No I'm not going to mention it to anyone in real life. I will say thank you and be polite. I am not concerned with what other present i am not getting because of this panto visit.

I think, as many of you suggest, I just need to go with it and make the best of it. As a few have said, it is no different than any other present you receive at Christmas that you don't particularly like.

I think you just have to go with it,is it worth causing a family upset over

Well yes, that would be preferable for me. They’re wasting money as it is on panto tickets for the adults. What would be a treat is if grandparents take kids to panto and I (if I was op) got some peace and quiet at home during the Xmas period ☺️☺️ still wouldn’t be a gift though, and that’s fine, but don’t pass it off as one.

That wouldn't bother me at all, as I said I'd be happy they wanted to spend time with the kids and be content with a box of nice biscuits or something and pleased I'd had an afternoon without the kids and I didn't have to sit through a panto.

However, this is obviously not how the in laws usually do gifts so the OP isn't unreasonable to question why going to an event she doesn't actually enjoy is now her gift and she's supposed to be happy about it because the tickets are expensive and at least they brought her something.

Theatre tickets seem normal to me as a Christmas present.

I'll spare you any pantomime phrases.

These are much more up my street actually and sound amazing.

I too would be happy if they only took the children but they'd never do that.

perhaps the SIL is buying her own ticket

She is not.

We do gifts a lot like this. Say no if you don't want to.

i think its a really nice present
good afternoon/evening out with the family
good tradition over christmas

i think you are being very materialistic

Your follow up post sums up everything perfectly.

It's just a gift, meant kindly and generously, that you don't particularly care for. There's nothing wrong with it or reason to complain about it or reason to reject it.

It's not unreasonable for them to buy you it. It's not unreasonable for you not to love it. The polite, socially acceptable thing to do is to accept it gracefully.