Panto tickets- Christmas present?

[longdistanceclaraaa]

My inlaws want to take us and our two kids (7 and 9) plus my adult sister in law to a panto. Fine. Not my thing but happy to go and be grateful etc. particularly if it gives them an afternoon out that they want with the family.

They then announced that this was our (mine and DH's) Christmas present.

This seems strange to me. They've bought something they want (a family trip to the panto) but are calling it a present for the two of us. It also won't be SIL's Christmas present- just ours apparently. I am not sure why it is supposed to be a a particular treat for us out of everybody going, presumably because it is us who have kids. I would say at most that our own personal ticket might be considered a gift but no- the entire amount of taking all seven of us is considered to be mine and DH's present.

Is that not strange? Why would this be a be a particular treat for us? This is not how I'd choose to spend an afternoon over the Christmas holidays. I actually think we are doing this for them, going to something we (as adults) would not choose to go to but are prepared to go for them.

I think we should be politely grateful to them for taking us and they should be grateful to us for giving up our time to give them an event they want over the holidays but which we would never choose to do ourselves. But no, they somehow think this whole event is such a treat for DH and me that it amounts to our Christmas present.

AIBU?

I'm not, by the way, worried about the cost or into transactional gifts. This is not about the money. It is about the principle of buying yourself something which compels others to give up time they'd prefer to spend on other things to do something they won't particularly enjoy and then call it their gift (but no one else's).

Which is fine and the OP is happy to partake in it because she sees the value in the children spending time with their grandparents.

However not everyone enjoys going to the panto and I suspect her in laws know she and their son don't enjoy it so I think this fair for her to think of is an odd present choice.

Take their initiative and buy them tickets for things as their gifts, SIL included.

I wouldn't want to go to a panto I hadn't chosen to see either, but you don't have to go. Fake being unwell the day before if you must, coming down with something, tell them the children still want to go & DH if he does and enjoy the afternoon to yourself. DH can catch whatever you have that day if he doesn't want to go.

I'd also rather not get gifts of stuff I don't want/need and much prefer vouchers/tickets or going out for a coffee/lunch instead and operate gift giving (excluding children) in the same way. Friends that go on short breaks to the same place each year for example get vouchers/tickets for cinema/event/spa/restaurant that they would go to anyway.

You can turn this gift you don't particularly find fair or appealing into a positive change for future gifts.

how on earth can you Suspect the Inlaws know the op wont enjoy it?
what sort of relationship do you think they have, that they are that wicked.

Her kids are old enough that surely it's not an unreasonable assumption that the topic of pantos would have come up at some point.

Edited to add that this doesn't mean it's not a good gift for the children and obviously the op is still going to go and spend time with them and I never implied they were wicked.

Look in reality I doubt OP is going to kick up a fuss about it, clearly it’s not worth that, but most of the threads on Mumsnet are for people to say what they won’t/can’t in real life, for a sense check and to check they’re not alone in their opinions. OP hasn’t said anything about ‘confronting’ MIL about it - that would be ungrateful - not showing gratitude - but thinking the thoughts on an anonymous forum isn’t ungrateful. Sounds like OP probably will/has shown gratitude to MIL. Ie said ‘ok sounds good, thanks’. To save feelings. Because that’s a convention. Because that’s how society works. Does it really need spelling out?? 😅

I understand it’s strange to call it a gift when the recipient doesn’t really want it.
It would be nice for the grandparents to take the DCs alone but hey, it is what it is.
Like I said my dcs paternal grandparents never took them anywhere remotely interesting ever.

Panto is incredibly expensive - to take all of you will cost hundreds of pounds.

Your children will love it!

Be grateful and enjoy your present.

I do take pn board what people are saying, and yes I'm not going to start a bitch fight about it as someone said....

But just because you announce to people that you want them to do something with you , even if that things costs a lot of money, does not oblige the recipient to actually enjoy it as opposed to giving the appearance that they are enjoying it more then they are.

I will go along and say thank you, but there are any number of things I'd prefer to be doing with my time and I would never want that money spent on a panto on my behalf.

Indeed OP.

I don't get the argument of why the fact it cost lots of money makes you unreasonable. Yes it's generous of them but something being expensive doesn't mean you have to enjoy it, just because it was costly.

It does seem odd that it’s your present and not everyone’s present.

But I’d just go with it. There’s nothing you can say that doesn’t sound petty.

I don't get their logic of it being a gift for you and not your SIL?

This?

so they have paid for the whole family to go, their dd, their ds, and his dc, and you.
they may struggle with ideas about what else to buy you, would you have said No if they had asked

Have they already transferred your DH the money? If not, I'd be tempted to turn it back in them and say, "Oh, don't worry about giving us the money back, we've decided to make it yours and SIL present instead." If they object that they didn't want it as a present, then point out that neither did you. But I'm just petty.

Indeed

I'd get them a gift next year of something you want to do with your kids and tickets for in laws plus sister in law as well.

I am sure they would think that was an odd gift but also have politely accept it, as you did.

It is a shit gift if you're not a panto fan, but in a way it's no different to them buying you a physical gift that's shit, and at least your kids will enjoy it and you can enjoy watching them have fun. I don't really like panto but we go every year because the kids enjoy it and I get pleasure out of seeing them have fun.

Or would you rather get a Boots 3for2 toiletry set?

it surely is better than a boots toiletry set

I don't think it's comparable to buying a material gift. It would be like them buying the whole family toiletries including themselves and SIL, and saying these are their present to DH and me only.

And then DH and i are supposed to be grateful that everyone has new toiletries

Well, with respect, your gifts sound shit.

People get vouchers for things they would go to anyway. What's the point of that?

(I am being flippant. I see the point of it, but I don't particularly care for it. I think it sounds predictable and unimaginative and tedious. I would, of course, received such a gift gratefully and politely, like the OP should.)

A gift is a gift. It is categorically not something of your choosing. That's what makes it a gift.

they should be grateful to us for giving up our time to give them an event they want over the holidays but which we would never choose to do ourselves.

I can’t believe I just read that.

But this is Christmas! Its not really about you! It's the time of accepting gifts graciously and giving gifts! You don't get to decide what someone kindly buys you. You get what you are given and be thankful.

I have been raised to be grateful for everything I'm given. To smile and say thanks. To appreciate.

I've also been raised to give everything a go, even things I might think I won't like. I have never been skiing for example and think I would hate it. If someone gave me an indoor ski experience.for.christmas, I'd think, 'well not what if have chosen, but let's enjoy this and embrace it!' I'd get the children excited about it, make sure we built a nice coffee into the trip! and try to be open minded and think, well hey, maybe this could be fun! Always good to try new things and get out of your comfort zone.

I hate his entitled gifts attitude that people have at Christmas. Be grateful for everything you have. Never expect anything and always be kind.

Christmas is also about family. About living with their quirks, getting through the family arguments, drunk uncle Fred, scary aunt Marge, mum or dad winding us up! Children eating too much sugar! Just enjoy!

But the difference is -tickets for 5 for the panto -fine.

But tickets for 7 which is your present but not the other 3 adults is less fine.

Ugh I hate panto. This has happened to us before where FIL surprised us with panto tickets, we don't even have kids.

Obviously we said thank you politely and went with it, but I don't think it's necessary a great thing when someone buys you something you actively dislike because they didn't actually ask you if it's something you enjoy.

They asked the next year if we'd like to go again and we politely said no thank you, then FIL was pissed off that we were ungrateful.

the parents are paying for themselves!