Panto tickets- Christmas present?

[longdistanceclaraaa]

My inlaws want to take us and our two kids (7 and 9) plus my adult sister in law to a panto. Fine. Not my thing but happy to go and be grateful etc. particularly if it gives them an afternoon out that they want with the family.

They then announced that this was our (mine and DH's) Christmas present.

This seems strange to me. They've bought something they want (a family trip to the panto) but are calling it a present for the two of us. It also won't be SIL's Christmas present- just ours apparently. I am not sure why it is supposed to be a a particular treat for us out of everybody going, presumably because it is us who have kids. I would say at most that our own personal ticket might be considered a gift but no- the entire amount of taking all seven of us is considered to be mine and DH's present.

Is that not strange? Why would this be a be a particular treat for us? This is not how I'd choose to spend an afternoon over the Christmas holidays. I actually think we are doing this for them, going to something we (as adults) would not choose to go to but are prepared to go for them.

I think we should be politely grateful to them for taking us and they should be grateful to us for giving up our time to give them an event they want over the holidays but which we would never choose to do ourselves. But no, they somehow think this whole event is such a treat for DH and me that it amounts to our Christmas present.

AIBU?

I'm not, by the way, worried about the cost or into transactional gifts. This is not about the money. It is about the principle of buying yourself something which compels others to give up time they'd prefer to spend on other things to do something they won't particularly enjoy and then call it their gift (but no one else's).

I think you've misunderstood. They're paying for all the tickets but only your ticket is your present. Or would they normally spend £200 on you and your husband?

Just because your husband booking it and they're paying him back doesn't mean it's all a present for you! Presumably he's booking it because they find the website difficult or something

It's exactly the same as if they gave everyone toiletries.

I wonder if they suggested it, expecting the tickets to be £12 each or something, and were horrified at the cost, and it's blown the budget? Or maybe they are thinking that you would usually spend £££ taking your kids to some xmas event, and now you won't need to, so that cost saving is the gift?

This.

It is, as they say, the thought that counts. And also, that it's better to give than receive.

The best gifts I've ever had have come from an impulse to surprise and delight. A thing I didn't know I wanted that it turns out I really did.

Indeed, "wasting" money can be the point of a gift. A gift need not be a rational need or want, it can be a whimsey or a gamble. (And if it hits the spot then it's a tremendous way to spend money, not a waste at all.).

If it's just "a thing I would have bought anyway" or "a thing I have chosen", then that's only half the reason for a gift covered.

If I have to ask what thing you want, then I go and buy you that exact thing, that that, to me, becomes transactional, cold and impersonal.

The in-laws in this case aren't buying "seven panto tickets". They are buying "a nice Christmassy afternoon/evening out for our family". I doubt they think that's an obligation. I bet they thought they were doing something nice.

I think it is mean-spirited to pick into the cost or the detail of that impulse. The impulse is to spread joy.

"Oh, but pantos are corny and childish and beneath me. I'd rather have a chocolate orange and a pair of gloves." is a shit response to anyone other than your own inner voice.

I’d be tempted (I wouldn’t because I would actually love this as a present, but if I felt like you do about it…) to make my point much more subtly and say that’s a lovely idea - we will treat everyone to pizza pre or post panto as your Christmas present too, and make the family afternoon out the adult Christmas gifts this year.

They couldn’t possibly be offended by it because they obviously do think this is a lovely idea (and so would many others, me included), but if they then don’t think a family meal is a suitable present for them, its a gentle opener to the fact you feel the same about the panto tickets.

Equally, they may be thrilled about the idea and then you know, basically they’d rather have a lovely afternoon out than exchange adult Christmas gifts - and that’s fine too!

Why does everyone think "a lovely afternoon out" is not an adult Christmas gift? Who can possibly object to having a lovely afternoon out??!

Because for some people a panto isn’t a lovely afternoon out? I personally don’t mind a panto either way but in our family it would be separate to a gift. And we certainly wouldn’t buy tickets for other people as a gift for somebody.

In the context of the discussion, that wasn't the question I'm asking, if you read back through the thread.

I think it's a great idea, present for you all to enjoy and no meaningless stuff to keep in the house. And as the poster upthread suggested a return present of pizza out to finish the day off also sounds like a good thing. Unless it meant trecking around the country etc, but you've not said this.

Again, read the post I was replying to.

That poster suggests "a lovely afternoon out" is something different to "an adult Christmas gift."

It's not lovely of you don't want to go. What about your in laws buy you tickets for an all night rave and foam party. Paid extra so you get a funnel stuck in your gob and the pour vodka in until you are drunk? Fancy that? Some people will, some won't but ffs, if the OP doesn't like pantomime's then she doesn't like them and she doesn't want to go! How is it so hard to understand that just because some posters like it doesn't mean everyone does. It's not "snobbery" or being beneath her or too childish, it's just not her thing and that's ok.

Again, read the thread.

If you're quoting me, you at least should read the post you've quoted.

I'm not talking about people who don't like pantos. I am specifically referring to the previous poster's contention that "a lovely afternoon out" (which in the context she is talking about, is agreed to by the recipient) might still be something different to "an adult present."

Someone above said this-

"The in-laws in this case aren't buying "seven panto tickets". They are buying "a nice Christmassy afternoon/evening out for our family". I doubt they think that's an obligation. I bet they thought they were doing something nice."

That's what I originally thought was happening and was content to go even though not my thing. I thought they were buying a Christmassy afternoon for all of the family.

It then transpires however, that this experience has been identified as the Christmas present of DH and me out of everyone going. Why is it specifically for us? That's the strange bit.

What you on about? I did read your post. You posted "again" so maybe if people are misunderstanding what you have posted (because obviously someone else has if you have had to reply "again") then you should check that what you posted is understandable and actually what you mean.

Yeah its a bit weird. Maybe everyone else hates panto but they think you want to go

Because you are the parents of the children going, who are naturally the centrepiece of this family event!

Yeah, I've checked and it is. Read more closely.

Yeah @MasterBeth it's crystal clear. To you.

Exactly this.

SIL would probably rather watch paint dry but PIL want the whole family to go together and share the enjoyment of the children. They can’t call it her Christmas present because they’re not her children, nor can they ask her to pay because she probably doesn’t want to go.

But there’s a genuine (in my opinion reasonable) assumption that as a parent, you’ll get pleasure from watching your children enjoy something. So it’s a present for you because you’ll share that enjoyment with them, without paying for it yourself.

You apparently, if it was something you would do anyway it's a shit gift.

I am literally answering the previous poster's question immediately below her.

You just have to hold the phase she uses in your head for maybe one second and, to make it easier for you, I even put it in quote marks.

Can't help you if that's beyond you...

But it isn't something the OP was going to do anyway..?

@MasterBeth because the OP doesn't think a trip to the panto is a lovely afternoon out or an adult Christmas present. That's the whole point of the thread. It's what the thread is actually about. Not hypothetical lovely afternoons out. She doesn't want her present to be a trip to the panto. I wouldn't either. If you can't understand that then I can't help you.