Friends Dad dosent have a shower or bath?

[girlfriend44]

Friends dad is 91, lives in a council flat. There is a bath in place but he's too old to get in the bath and out.
A shower was never put in place. Either the council were never asked or they wouldn't do it. Not sure which.
As a result he only has strip washes. He lives alone for context.
Does anyone find this odd or know anyone else like this?
I did say how can he wash properly like his back etc, she said he was OK and didn't want any help.
Although none of my business, I feel sad an old person is living like this.
I couldn't imagine not being able to shower or bath, and it's not a nice way for an older person to be living in my opinion.
Friend accepts it and dosent outwardly seem to worry.
Can you imagine your parent living like that?
AIBU.

“Wiping long term just does not suffice. Ask anyone working in a hospital who has looked after someone admitted after long term flannel washes.”

@Gloriia I’ve not been keeping up with this thread but I did notice this comment. When I worked in a hospital this is all we would do for those unable to get out of bed, a wash in bed with cloths. Many people do indeed live like this for years.

Plus, let us remember that as long as he has capacity he is entitled to be as dirty and smelly as he likes. If he has capacity and never ever washes, fine. Put a peg on your nose, but there’s nothing you can really do!

Apologies if I’m repeating points already made.

And editing to add it’s the scrubbing with soap/similar that makes you clean. Merely sitting in a bath or under a shower does nothing, it’s still the soap and flannel that gets the job done.

Agree with this.

Except the sloth bit.

No it doesnt. The smell is a natural part of aging, there is a fruit which the japanese make soap out of, which neutralises it to some degree but we dont really have it in this country as a norm.

As you get older you lose the ability to detect the scent that older people give off, its a natural process of the way fat is metabolized in the body, so lots of people have the secnt but cant detect it and neither can their family

I can smell it on my parents but my partner cant smell it. I buy the soap but my partner prefers coal tar (bleugh). I will be using the soap so that Im not too pongy when Im older but thats nothing to do with strip washes or not.

I've never washed my back in my life. The water runs down it but I don't soap or rub it with anything.

@soupfiend Persimmon soap?

Is it to do with the washing your body with it, or would a persimmon perfume help as long as you still washed?

I'm not sure that smelling is a natural part of ageing. People, for absolutely understandable reasons, lose the ability and motivation to have at least a weekly thorough soak with yes flannel washes inbetween.

We have to be concerned about welfare of those who struggle and sensitively assist rather than just accept and leave them to it.

@Gloriia a change of smell in the elderly is absolutely part of the aging process. The human body smells differently at every stage of life. This is basic science.

www.healthline.com/health/older-people-smell-different

“We have to be concerned about welfare of those who struggle and sensitively assist rather than just accept and leave them to it.”

Concerned, yes, but we can’t insist. If he says he’s okay then who are we to say “no you’re not”?

Years back, people either strip washed, or hauled a tin bath out and filled it by hand. Everyone was clean,

Unless someone can’t manage, they might find it perfectly ok.

My parents both no longer shower or bath, both just strip wash, both elderly and infirm, they have a shower with adjustments but choose not to use it, they’re clean and don’t smell, it’s their choice, if its what he wants then I don’t see an issue, if he’d like one but is forced to go with out that’s not right.

This was normal for many generations.

If a bath was replaced with a shower he might not now be able to learn to use it, or like.using it, anyway. A change of routine is often difficult for the elderly and, if he has any dementia, it may even prove impossible.

Good you are thinking about him though.

I would love a persimmon perfume, but couldnt seem to find one
Yes the fruit tannins aparently neutralise the odour from what Ive read

Its quite incredible that most people dont know this, how come people dont know this?

Not 'smelling' but people aquire a different odour as they age, its normal, it will happen to you as well. Its not particularly pleasant but you wont notice it, other people might.

I don’t think perfume would work. The smell comes from nonenal on the skin. The persimmon soap breaks it down and it is washed away.

Ah okay. That’s a shame because I heard the soap is a bit expensive!

It is, I was buying it and wanted OH to use it, but its 9 quid for 3 bars and it goes like the billyo, very soft

So he is back on the coal tar, horrible stuff

One of my earliest memories is a bath in front of the coal fire- presumably before we had central heating installed as a toddler in the early 80s. The 2 bar heater in the bathroom wasn't great!

I grew up with baths and didn't have regular access to a shower until I was at uni around the Millenium. DM was a war child and grew up with weekly baths and strip washes, and passed it on to my childhood.

I've got the options of bath and shower, but sometimes find a strip wash a more convenient option if I just need a quick freshen up. It's less cold if the house isn't particularly warm and I can focus on particular areas like arm pits where they get a good soaping. I also don't have to worry about getting my hair wet if there's no need to wash it at that moment. It's a useful skill to have for travelling/ camping.

Showers aren't automatically superior. If people loiter too long in a hot shower they can end up getting sweaty and undo the benefit of the shower if they continue to sweat after. Many don't soap and wash themselves down all over and just expect dirt to drip off. Shower gels don't tend to be as effective as bar soap. I've nothing against showers (they're my most-used method of washing) they're just not automatically the best option in all circumstances.

Older people are often happy to strip wash because it was culturally normal to them. Frequent washing wasn't so attractive before showers, central heating and reliable hot water supplies, and efficiency mattered.

If he would prefer to have another method avaliable, then that's a different matter to finding it a practical choice.

When I went to care for my mother in her mid 80's I realized she had neither a shower or a bath as she was unable to use either. Yes this is what is coming to all of us if we live long enough.

Thankfully in Dover where she lived there was an Age Concern that had a bathing service. She refused of course but I made her. A few years later she became bed ridden and never had a bath again for 2.5 years. 😓

I grew up having one or two baths a week. We had a shower installed early 80s, and since then we’ve rarely had baths. DH, who is nearly 80, showers every morning. I do most days, occasionally I’ll strip wash. I hope we can continue to shower for a ling time, but who knows!

Clean hair and clean clothes are important for older people too, they can smell unpleasant if unwashed.

I voted YABU.
Not because I think it’s bad, I think you’re lovely for caring. I would too.

I’ve worked with people of that age who don’t want to be cared for or told what to do even when it’s for their better good. It’s what they know.

This is what he’s done all (or most) of his life.

Sadly it’s not your business and that’s why I voted as I did.
But the world needs more people like you who are concerned for others because there’s a lot of cunts out there who just don’t give a shit about anyone else (my mobile phone was stolen last week 🤬 no insurance 😱😭🤬)