Out of all the relationships you’ve been in, what’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

[ZanyWriter]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I’ve learned from past relationships - both good and bad. Each one seems to teach us something new about ourselves, boundaries, what we want (and don’t want), and how we navigate relationships in general.

I’m interested in whether anyone else feels the same. Out of all your relationships - romantic or otherwise - what’s the most valuable lesson you’ve taken away? Was it something unexpected, or maybe a hard truth you didn’t realise at the time?

Would love to hear everyone’s experiences and thoughts. AIBU to think we can often learn more from past relationships than we realise?

From my last relationship - to always trust my gut instincts, that little white lies always leads to bigger ones and that just because you like someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with bullshit - it’s not normal to constantly bicker in a relationship or to argue all the time. Also, that you should never have to dim your own light for other people or have to walk on egg shells all the time.

A year down the line and I’ve found someone new, it’s the healthiest relationship of my entire life, she treats me like an absolute queen but within healthy limits (no love bombing and moving really quickly), she doesn’t judge me about anything and I can be my most truest and authentic self and know that I am fully accepted, loved and appreciated for it. I know I can rely on her for absolutely anything and having this relationship has honestly changed my life and made me start loving myself again.

Not to put up with being disrespected.

The biggest lesson I have learned is that if someone is an addict I can’t save them.

I learned that however good the sex might be on occasion, ultimately nothing beats living alone with a cat.

What did you learn, OP?

Be with someone who really, demonstrably likes you (don't just live in denial/hope like I did)

That at the very first hint of abusive behaviour you should dump them. You are better off single.

Two early relationships had this and it just got worse as time went on.

Handsome is as handsome does.

You can’t ‘save’ anyone or expect anyone to save you. The importance of healthy boundaries and self esteem, otherwise you are vulnerable to attract those who will take advantage. Quick intensity and chemistry in friendships and relationships can be a red flag, stability and security are underrated traits - often thrill-seeking personalities are prone to idealising and then disregarding. If you want a mature and emotionally competent partner you need to have these traits yourself, you will find someone good for you when you are in a good place in your life - some people can prey upon vulnerability. Be discerning who you choose to let into your life, trust should be earned.

It’s a cliche but we really do accept the love we think we deserve. I could go on forever here!

Listen to your gut.

Get out early. Fold, don't stick.

I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is to recognise when someone’s actions don’t match their words. It’s been a tough but valuable lesson about setting boundaries and not ignoring red flags, no matter how good other aspects of the relationship might be. What kind of cat do you have?

It’s not up to anyone else to “make you happy”. True happiness can only come from within.

Love isn't enough to make a relationship good. Trust, mutual respect and communication are also vital.

Always know truly and deeply that you are in the relationship because you want to be and not because you have to be. Always, always be willing (and as far as possible the means) to walk away. And, as someone else said fold early, don’t get caught by the sunk cost fallacy.

To be cautious when people tell you that you have “to work” At a relationship. It should not be hard and it shouldn’t make you stressed and unhappy.

Completely agree with this, 100%! Life is too short to try again and again to make a relationship work, when it’s ‘right’ it should be easy not adding stress and conflict x

When they show you who they are…

Believe them.

Actions speak louder than words. Love is not enough, sometimes you can’t make it work even if you love them.

At the core of a good relationship is respect. Love is incredibly important, of course, as are many other things; but respect is what everything else is based off of. If you don't respect a person, you can't love them. You can't trust them. You can't confide in them safely. Without respect you've got nothing.

Even when I’ve argued with either DH or any of my current partners, there was respect there. So we may have argued or disagreed sometimes, yes; but fought or hurt each other verbally? Not once.

A couple of things. Firstly, don't make someone else responsible for your own happiness. It's healthier to be happy alone and then only let someone into your life if they really do enhance it. I've seen too many people in miserable relationships because they can't bear to be alone.
Once you're in a relationship, it's a very simple one. Never take that person for granted and be kind. I think it's so easy to slip into bad habits when you've been with someone for years. It's so easy to be critical and moan without really thinking before you speak. I've learnt to bite my tongue when I'm tempted to criticise about something pointless. I've learnt to express my love and appreciation more frequently.
Finally, I do believe that you need to invest in relationships. You get out of them what you put in. You need to nurture them and keep them alive, otherwise they go stale.

So many things he I’ve learned from my 22 year relationship:

• when someone shows you who they are, believe them
• if it’s not good in the first few months, it will never get better
• he won’t change if you move to a bigger house/get married/have kids/earn more money etc
• actions speak louder then words
• autonomy is important, partners are not an extension of you
• don’t relay on anyone for your happiness or self worth
• It’s not you, it’s him, and it’s not his fault you stayed for 22 years
• and if it is you, it’s not your fault he stayed and was miserable (his words)

and finally:

• move on, let the resentment go, being happy is the best revenge

Romance films are a great big lie. If the relationship feels difficult, for any reason, it is probably not going to work. A good relationship is really easy. You both communicate any issues, no one plays games, and you enjoy each others company. Having had that now I would not settle for less.

Number one is make sure your partner is a fundamentally kind person and treats others with respect, even random people. That is how he will treat you eventually.

I would absolutely go with this. I lost my heart many years ago to a good looking charmer and finally gained the resolve to throw him out. He was a good looking bloke but one with some serious flaws.

That the first red flag still not exist in isolation.

Trust your gut.
Don't be passive - I should never wait for things to happen to me.
I can take control.
I am responsible for my own happiness.