Out of all the relationships you’ve been in, what’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

[ZanyWriter]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I’ve learned from past relationships - both good and bad. Each one seems to teach us something new about ourselves, boundaries, what we want (and don’t want), and how we navigate relationships in general.

I’m interested in whether anyone else feels the same. Out of all your relationships - romantic or otherwise - what’s the most valuable lesson you’ve taken away? Was it something unexpected, or maybe a hard truth you didn’t realise at the time?

Would love to hear everyone’s experiences and thoughts. AIBU to think we can often learn more from past relationships than we realise?

To know where someone is aiming for their life to go, and only if it aligns with your wants should you try to create a future together.

No 3rd or 4th chances. Blatant disrespect, they're out.

And not to lower my standards at all. I've learnt this recently. I left my ex with 6 months ago, I now have savings, and I'm looking at putting my life where I knew it would never be with him

Never ever put a man on a pedestal. They will take advantage .

To look at the parents' relationship to know how yours might end up. Learned this when I noticed that my BF's mom flinched every time his dad talked to her. And noticed that his siblings did too. The dad was a violent drunk and a bastard. And the kids didn't know this wasn't normal even though they obviously didn't like being treated like this or seeing how their mom was treated.

Stupid me thought I could change my BF for the better. Realised it wasn't going to happend when we had such a bad argument (aka fight) that a neighbour called the police.

How to apologise.

I had a very dysfunctional upbringing in an abusive/violent environment. Lots of mind games and manipulation. No one ever took responsibility or accountability for their behaviour and no one ever said sorry. It was a constant cycle of criticism, neglect and things like ‘but if you hadn’t’ or ‘look what you made me do’ and as a result I never understood if I was in the right or the wrong, I was always on the defensive and I didn’t even know to look at my own behaviour as a possible issue, you just shirked the blame and whoever could hold out the longest ‘won’

My relationships as a young adult followed a similar dance and the first time my now husband said ‘I’m sorry’ left me actually speechless. I genuinely didn’t know people were capable of doing that. He didn’t stop there, he rattled off various points of where he thought he had handled things badly and each one validated why I was upset that one time. He was so self aware. He was also very patient, another revelation. I slowly came to learn that a relationship isn’t an ‘every man for themselves’ situation.

I remember the first time I realised that I was the one who was in the wrong, and going to apologise to him. It was life changing, and I’ll always be grateful. Almost 20 years down the line and he’s still the most balanced, fairest, kindest and most understanding person I’ve ever met.

Edited to add that this has helped every relationship I have in my life, not just with him. With my kids especially, and with friends too.

If they've got one eye elsewhere, even subtly, forget it. Heart isn't in it.

That you can’t fix people.

'The importance of healthy boundaries and self esteem, otherwise you are vulnerable to attract those who will take advantage. Quick intensity and chemistry in friendships and relationships can be a red flag, stability and security are underrated traits - often thrill-seeking personalities are prone to idealising and then disregarding'

This. I'm married 7 years, but I still cannot get my ex from 13 years ago fully out of my head. I was vulnerable, he was intense: definitely love bombed me, made great declarations and seemed so exciting. But then he chip, chip, chipped further at my self esteem, manipulated and controlled me. I think he had NPD.

Don't be a doormat because it makes life easier or you don't want to upset them. Good relationships are a two way street - you matter too.

Trust your instincts - if something bothers you, don't convince yourself it's all your imagination and beat yourself up for being unfair to them in your head. Speak up and find out one way or the other.

If you're constantly being left out of social gatherings with their friends, or not allowed to join in with a regular hobby because they were there first, it's showing how little you matter. Pay attention instead of being oh so reasonable about it.

Don't gaslight yourself. You're worth more than you think you deserve.

Never rely on others for your own happiness. Never depend on them. Be your own support and best friend. Don't loose yourself trying to please others.

You may never really know your partner. Don't assume he/she isn't keeping secrets and lying to you. Never assume he/she cares as much as you do or even cares at all. Look at behaviour to determine the truth and disregard any words which are not backed up by consistent action.

About myself, I have learned that I'm more at peace without a partner.

My current relationship started out long distance and having a finite amount of time together really teaches you not to get hung up on the small stuff and bicker over things that don’t matter.

✅

that tomorrow isnt guaranteed.

Love is not enough.

You need to be on the same page morally politically

Don't try to make someone fit into your dream.

Alcohol/drugs = run like hell. It is up to you to decide how much is 'too much'

"Say little, look much". Quietly watch this person in all situations. See how they treat others, especially people in service positions.

Don't accept excuses. Don't let them rationalize behaviour or opinions you disagree with. And don't make excuses for them.

At the very first sign of unreasonable temper, walk away. And 'unreasonable' is whatever unreasonable is to you. Not to anyone else, to you.

How a man treats his mother is how he'll treat you.

that while every relationship has its ups and downs, it is generally not supposed to be difficult. Especially at the beginning.

when it’s right, it is easy.

No big dramatic story behind it just a general sense of treat others and speak to people the way I would want to be spoken too or treated

I was very much a believer in "actions speak louder than words" until my last (sort of ongoing) relationship. He would kiss, cuddle, hold hands etc.. but then tell me he had no love or affection for me only for his longterm partner (he's polyamorous)

I convinced myself that he must do to behave towards me like he did.

So do listen to what they say as well as their actions. This past year has been the most anxiety inducing and confusing time, since l met him.

I had a similar experience. Thankfully we can recognise now what happened and managed not to repeat similar dynamics moving forward! Having better self esteem and boundaries has meant that I no longer attract these types at all, thankfully.

When it's wrong, you can leave
When it's dangerous, you can leave
When you're frightened, you can leave

You DON'T have to stay

I don't think that's quite what people were getting at when they say actions speak louder than words. Time to get out of this relationship, his actions in being a polygamist show how selfish he is.

Dump as soon as they show any disrespect. Any.

It's like a testing of boundaries.

I know people say they should always give a second chance but I don't at all anymore.

Too much time wasted in being forgiving. No way.

That includes friends too.

I've been too nice. Too forgiving. Never again.

A liar is a liar is a liar.

Never trust anyone as much as you trust yourself.

That most men simply don't have what it takes to make women happy.

That most women fundamentally misunderstand men, and if they did understand them they wouldn't have anything to do with them.