Out of all the relationships you’ve been in, what’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

[ZanyWriter]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I’ve learned from past relationships - both good and bad. Each one seems to teach us something new about ourselves, boundaries, what we want (and don’t want), and how we navigate relationships in general.

I’m interested in whether anyone else feels the same. Out of all your relationships - romantic or otherwise - what’s the most valuable lesson you’ve taken away? Was it something unexpected, or maybe a hard truth you didn’t realise at the time?

Would love to hear everyone’s experiences and thoughts. AIBU to think we can often learn more from past relationships than we realise?

Agree with this

With my DH, everything has been so easy, from day 1. No second guessing. No messing around. Wish I'd known earlier just how straightforward a healthy relationship is

From my 85 year old grandmother - looks fade and great sex doesn't last forever, choose intellect and humour because in the end, conversation and companionship is all you'll have.

Never give the ‘benefit of the doubt’ and trust absolutely no one.

Some people just love drama.
You don’t have to play their game, you can just walk away, immediately. No need to look back.

It's taken me a long time to learn that I don't need a partner to be happy.

I am happily married, for the most part. 15 years in and it's much better than it used to be.

But ultimately, I don't need a man to be happy. I'm secure in the knowledge that if everything goes tits up, I will be ok and so will my children.

Love isn't a feeling. It's an action, something you actually do.

Believe what people show you in their behaviour, not in their words.
When I was young, naive and in love, I accepted apologies after shitty behaviour, believing their excuses.
Now, older and wiser, I realise people reveal themselves through how they behave.

Red flags don’t go away. Never ignore them.

If someone is aggressive/possessive/violent to you once and you stay, they will do it again. And continue for as long as you stay.

Once resentment against your partner sets in, that’s it.

that all men are bastards

That a calm, kind, emotionally intelligent and gentle soul makes a wonderful person to be around 24/7, especially as you start to get a bit older. I’m not talking about a pushover, just someone not quick to anger, who is a good listener and whose first instinct is to be able to see your point of view even if they disagree. Makes all the difference in feeling heard and respected. And you have to endeavour to be the same partner back.

People don't change at a fundamental level. If he's violent once then he will do it again.

Understand yourself first and be clear on what you want. If he's not on board with something that's a deal breaker for you make that clear and be prepared to walk.

To be single

Also if you love them let them go, and if they love you they will come back.

Talk about what's important to you.

Laughter is ultimately more important than sex.

That you can love and adore someone but they will turn away when they no longer need you with no conscience at all or thought. It's a hard pill to swallow.

Have high standards. Don’t accept less than you deserve.

I have only worked out in recent years that in every relationship I have had, I have been the sensible one with a steady job and income. Funny how all my exes didn’t like to work but enjoyed the benefits of my career. I would have loved a 9-5 type bloke and to have settled down to a ‘normal’ family life but I have never had that. I should have chosen a completely different type of partner.

That if you are thinking about whether or not you should leave, you should leave.

That having boundaries about where I go, what I do, isn’t being controlling.

Don’t allow yourself to be bullied.

If you are financially independent, you always have choices, including the choice to leave.

You can't change someone

When you live with someone and a work opportunity (or other reason for one of you to move away) comes up elsewhere, don’t let it become an open-ended long-distance relationship. That’s just the most painful way of splitting up in my experience.

A short-term LDR, agreed by both in advance, can work. But otherwise, if you can’t both move together, I’d rather end the relationship. Sounds drastic, but a long-drawn-out slipping away from each other is worse.

Edited to add: I knew a couple who made if work for a one-year posting abroad. They visited each other twice, and had been married for years. They missed each other awfully.

Communication is key.

Very wise, Delilah. I’ve had several friendships and relationships with very needy people. I was such a sucker. It took a long time for me to realise how one-sided and draining these were. In some cases they dropped me like a stone if I wasn’t meeting their needs enough, and one of them then became very hostile.

My long-lasting friendships and my happy marriage are all with people who give as well as take.

First - Always, always listen to your gut instincts. They are the truth. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. With me that was Cafcass and they were so very very wrong. You know the child. They don't.

Second - if it doesnt make sense, it isn't true.
Listen to that gnawing little doubt inside. It's your danger warning system. Dont bury it.