Out of all the relationships you’ve been in, what’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

[ZanyWriter]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I’ve learned from past relationships - both good and bad. Each one seems to teach us something new about ourselves, boundaries, what we want (and don’t want), and how we navigate relationships in general.

I’m interested in whether anyone else feels the same. Out of all your relationships - romantic or otherwise - what’s the most valuable lesson you’ve taken away? Was it something unexpected, or maybe a hard truth you didn’t realise at the time?

Would love to hear everyone’s experiences and thoughts. AIBU to think we can often learn more from past relationships than we realise?

I've learned from friendships that I can't help people with their mental health problems and if they expect me to, they're not a friend. For a long time I attracted people who were needy and clingy and it was exhausting. I've attracted another one recently and have learned to recognise the traits early on so immediately closed down the possibility of a friendship. We have to work alongside each other volunteering so I'm pleasant but her neediness is overwhelming.

That if he's into you you'll know. I can't remember the pithy quote I read on another thread but something along the lines of: if he wants you you'll know, if he doesn't you'll be confused.
How many times did I agonise about his (plural) feelings for me? How many times did I think 'oh he's really busy with work' or 'he's scared of his feelings'. How many times have I had girlfriends moaning about their BFs lack of attention or willingness to commit. Bollocks. No one worked harder or more hours than my husband or had more responsibilities (two kids) but he wanted me and made that clear. We met, married and had our first kid in less than two years.

I've learnt not to make the wrong one fit, let go when it's not working.
When they've spoken about or treated other women/exes disrespectfully I've ended up being one of them.

That every relationship you enter, you either break up or one of you dies.

Don't spend years floating along in a crap relationship because you don't want to break up, life is way too short for it.

If this isn't the person you see yourself with for the rest of your life you are just wasting time you could be spending with the right person.

No relationship is better than a shit relationship.

Always be economically viable.

Almost 42, second marriage. Some lessons off the top of my head (no doubt I've still got a lot more to learn):

• You can not change people

• life is too short to settle if you're really not happy

• actions always speak louder than words

• if someone puts their hands on you once they will do it again. There is NO place for any kind of abuse in a healthy relationship

• if close friends and family don't like someone you are with, listen to them

• it's perfectly healthy to have your own friends and interests outside of the relationship

• if you can't communicate as a couple over the minor things, you'll never ever be able to communicate over the massive things

• every single relationship involves a degree of compromise

• all couples argue, it's how you argue and resolve issues that matters. Mutual respect is everything.

• no relationship is easy - nothing worth having ever is - you have to work at it every single day

• sometimes love alone is not enough

Don't let your heart rule your head.

Where to start!

Friendships… choose very carefully. When you click it will be the best friendship ever. It needs to be easy, comfortable, warm and accepting.

loving relationships, don’t give an inch, not one fucking single centimetre when it comes to what is right for you in your mind in your life.

Exactly what I came to say

That in romantic relationships love is never unconditional and that most people don’t really love you, they love that you love them and they love how you make them feel about them and they’ll love you back to ensure they get to keep that. Brutal.

Always be financially independent

Secondly, that living on your own is completely OK

If they do something once , they do it again

Never give any man 100% of you .

Never trust anyone, except yourself ❤️

And this

Never a truer word than spoken in jest.

Ie. if someone jokes about not being trustworthy, shagging around etc it's probably true.

That you can’t “cure” an alcoholic with mental health problems however much you support them . That you should protect your financial security as when money is involved people have a complete personality change .

You can't make someone love you.

If someone's interested in you, you'll know.

Never be the 'cool wife'
Trust your gut.

I’ll add to romantic films the pernicious evil that is happy ending fairy tales

Don’t go out with a man who has kids if you don’t have any.

If he hasn’t told you he loves you he probably doesn’t.

Looks are really not very important.

If someone shows you who they are, believe them.

People don't change. Don't stay with someone who doesn't treat you right, hoping one day they'll wake up and be the person you want them to be. They won't.

That I'm not only ok by myself, I'm thriving. I stayed in a toxic relationship for far too long out of fear of being alone. I'll never do that again.