'That should be fine' instead of 'yes'

[Kendra43]

What is the difference in these two phrases to you?

Lately my partner has been agreeing to do things with the phrase 'that should be fine'. Recently he lets me down after saying this.

It has happened again where we agreed to a plan last week for tomorrow. This morning I clarified if he's still good for tomorrow and he says 'that should be fine'.

Because this is what he says every time he does let me down I'm annoyed. I feel that by not saying 'yes' he is not fully committing to our plans on some level to himself.

AIBU to say this is a phrase non committal people use? Or does it mean the same as 'yes' to you?

What I would do is the next time he says it, pause and say "Ok - I am just going to say one thing here and leave you to mull it over. Since you've started in your new job, whenever I ask you a question and I get back the response 'that should be fine' I feel more like a colleague scheduling a meeting or something with you rather than your wife that you want to spend time with and enjoy your life with. I'd much rather a definitive Yes or No when I ask a question so I know where I stand. You can still say 'that should be fine' to your colleagues but for me, please don't use that phrase again as I feel it's not respectful of me, my time and of us." and then take your cup of tea/glass of wine and go into a different room.

Would that be something that you could do/say?

It's a phrase I use when I want to answer quickly, think I'm free, but haven't actually checked my diary!

(For some reason I am incapable of just waiting, thinking things through and responding when I have all the info to hand. I'm impulsive sadly)

(The usual intent is to check diary as soon as a i get home and follow up with a 'yes' (or no) though I often forget so sometimes close to the date, if I get a reminder, it ends up being a no)

"That should be fine" isn't a yes. It sounds like you've asked a yes or no question and he's said "probably, but I'm not 100% sure" - and then he later decides it's a no but never tells you that (or he just forgets). Is he expecting you to keep asking him until you get a yes or no? If so, I'd put that expectation back on him, but be very clear on when you'll need the final answer and get his agreement that he can and will follow up in that time frame.

Practically, if you're asking for assent ("Is it OK if I donate the spare furniture in the storage unit?") then no answer in the agreed upon time period becomes a de facto yes. If you're making a request ("Could you move the furniture out of the storage unit before the lease expires next Sunday?") it becomes a no if he never follows up and just doesn't do it. He'd be in the wrong in that case, but people are human - if the thing is important to you and not to him you may find it in your interests to follow up rather than resenting his lack of interest or attention.

Send him this

That should be fine means yes.

Watch what people do not what they say.

Plenty of things in a relationship are negotiable, and from everything you’ve said about his current situation, this definitely sounds like a time for compromise.

He just started a new job, in teaching, and you told us he’s struggling. What you know of his struggle is probably just the tip of the iceberg. He’s going through an incredibly stressful time, and he needs your understanding, communication and support. Not ultimatums he cannot hope to meet.

I would suggest that until he’s settled into this new job, you triage your plans/requests. If something absolutely requires his commitment and attendance, then tell him that, and ask him if he’s able to prioritise it. But if something is possible for you to do without him (eg on your own or with somebody else), cut him some slack if he’s non-committal. Most things should fall in the 2nd category, and that should give him space to work out how to restore his work/life balance, and return to his old level of reliability.

This is a temporary period you’ll just have to muck through.

My ex does this and it's absolutely infuriating. He claims to be fully available to the kids when they need him. I'm normally v organised, so can give plenty of notice, eg can you pick dc up from work next week at x time on x day? He always replies "should be fine".
Well is it, or is it fucking not!! I've just started bluntly saying do you mean yes or no.

just say "i'll take that as a 'no' then" and make your plans without him

My mum does this when I ask for childcare. Makes me think she might change her mind between now and the actual date then she doesn’t understand when I ask again closer to the time to make sure. She says ‘I already said yes’. Erm no, you didn’t.

I think he's playing you. He knows how you will understand it, that you will take it as a yes, and make plans/ adjust your life accordingly, and he then takes great pleasure in letting you down. It's a power play

Depends how he’s using it. I say it sometimes if someone asks me if I have something planned for a certain date and I’m not sure if I do or not as I don’t want to commit to anything and then have to cancel on them

Follow it with, is that a yes or a no?

It's hedging, or being cynical it's avoiding giving you a straight answer, making you work for confirmation and feeling unsure. My ex uses, I should be able to work with that. Vom.

Funny this is a phrase I associate with work.

DH started this nonsense about 40 years ago.
Death stare followed by 'YES OR NO'? sorted it.
We're still happily married, and no 'should be fine' shit.

FYI there are a lot of responses from folks who have not read further than your initial question. Without them knowing any of the context you later provided, I would take their advice with a pinch of salt. 😅

I can't stand people who cannot give a direct, simple answer to a plain question. This would drive me batty.

'Yes' means he's committing and 'that should be fine' means that unless anything he considers more pressing comes up, he'll do it. Very annoying of him.

My husband does this (so does his parents come to think of it and they’re a PITA), he especially does it with childcare. I’m fairly recently back at work after maternity, so 1 year old in private nursery in one direction and 5 year old in school in the other direction, we both work full time and 80% both WFH but if I say I need to go into the office at 7am on this date, please can you be at home to do school/nursery drop offs…”that should be fine”. No no, it’s either yes or no! I can’t be heading into work not knowing if you are going to sort the kids or not. I arrange every other day.
He’s currently on the ADHD diagnosis pathway which may impact his wishy washy answers. Or it could be how he was brought up, making it feel like they’re always doing you a favour. Unless his super important job trumps mine and he gets a call to go in early on the day and I have to put last minute leave in at work yet again.

In the end it actually meant yes and he didn't let me down.

I still hate the wishy washiness of it though.
@maras2 I'll be starting that stare asap!

My husband says 'I don't care' to most things and it drives me up the wall (I've even started a thread about it). He thinks he's being easy going I feel like he couldn't give a shit about me or anything.

He also says 'probably' to a lot of things, so if I ask him if he's going to a work event, he'll say probably.
Or if I say are you picking the kids up from sports, he says probably.
He always does pick them up so why can't he just say Yes. To me Probably, keeps it up in the air a little.

It just means "hopefully". It's said when a yes can't be guaranteed. He wants to do the thing but can't 100% promise he'll be able to. That's why he doesn't say yes. Sometimes that's as direct as someone can be about future plans especially during a busy time.

‘That should be fine’ is like saying ‘I’ll let you know’…

I bloody hate this phrase, unless it's followed by "I'll look at my diary and let you know". You can't just leave someone hanging like that.

It mostly annoys me because when we started dating (say early 6 months or so) he was all 'yes! Look forward to it.' Always affirmative!

Now the honeymoon period has worn off this is what I have to work with...

My mum does this, she doesn't like to firmly commit to anything. I'm autistic, I'd prefer things to be clear-cut. Why can't some people just say yes or no :-)