'That should be fine' instead of 'yes'

[Kendra43]

What is the difference in these two phrases to you?

Lately my partner has been agreeing to do things with the phrase 'that should be fine'. Recently he lets me down after saying this.

It has happened again where we agreed to a plan last week for tomorrow. This morning I clarified if he's still good for tomorrow and he says 'that should be fine'.

Because this is what he says every time he does let me down I'm annoyed. I feel that by not saying 'yes' he is not fully committing to our plans on some level to himself.

AIBU to say this is a phrase non committal people use? Or does it mean the same as 'yes' to you?

Yeah, this.

I would - and have - reply “let me know when you know for sure.” If he doesn’t communicate again, proceed as though it’s a no.

I can’t stand dithery non-committers.

@smooththecat It might but then it's up to him to tell me that?

If he communicated how he was feeling I could deal with and handle it a lot better.

@taxguru he was totally reliable and consistent until recently. So naturally I'm not sure if he's just overloaded or if he duped me into thinking he was reliable and this is the real him appearing.

Yes, good points, it is something my Dad does and he definitely is put out and expresses his dissatisfaction if we aren't there when he turns up three hours early or three hours late.

And can also mean 'that is something I don't want to do/can't do, but I don't want to say a blunt "No" now so I am saying that it should be fine to give myself some time to get out of it...'

Just ask him what the issue is that means it’s a maybe not a yes . It sounds like he might be feeling overwhelmed with the new job - so ask him . If he’s otherwise a decent partner be a shame to write him off when the conversation can easily be started by you

I'd take it to mean they need to check their diary. So not a total yes, but a likely. It is annoying if they then don't check and come back to you. More annoying is 'I'll let you know on the day'. Like hell, I'm just to wait around and see if you feel up to it?

It sounds to me like he is probably just trying to cope with many more commitments? “That should be fine” and “yes” are definitely different things.

I get a bit frustrated if people don’t just say “yes” or “no” either, but to be fair it depends a bit on the person. I have one friend who is always really, really busy, and trying to get her to commit is difficult. However, I tend to give her a bit of time when I suggest something, and then follow it up and we compare diaries and she’s good at then sticking to her word.

My husband is generally unreliable though. In the past, he would often say “yes” to something and then conveniently ‘forget’ and blame it on me for not reminding him, or writing it down (why he couldn’t write it down himself, I have no idea!) I’ve noticed that now he won’t say definitely one way or the other, so that I don’t get cross when his plans change. Drives me mad!!

@FarFarFarAwayOneDay I think he is probably trying to do too much, yes.

But it's not an option to keep missing things. Right now it looks like he'll be a teacher for the foreseeable so how is the relationship going to fit? Or am I going to be seen and not heard until the holidays every year?

Feels a bit like that just now! At this stage I might wait until term finishes to discuss with him. Wont stop me from being very pissed if 'that should be fine' becomes 'no' tomorrow!

Is this his first teaching job OP? Agree with pp who said that teaching means you’re constantly waiting for more work to be dumped on you, you never really switch off. If he’s new to it then it’s a huge lifestyle change. When I was teaching I was forever having to cancel and change plans which I hated doing, but the pressure from work was so intense.

Perhaps have a talk with him, pointing out that he’s been saying this since he’s started teaching and you think it’s linked. Sounds like he’s struggling adjusting to the workload, and he might be relieved to be able to talk about it.

I hate it.

I have a friend who does it constantly. Or at least she did until I distanced myself. A conversation will go like this:

Her: Do you fancy meeting up for dinner next week?
Me: Yes, that would be nice. How about Thursday?
Her: Could do. Let's see.

Thursday rolls around and I either hear nothing, or she'll say 'don't feel up to going out now, going to have a night in'.

I grew up with a mum who replied to every yes/no question with 'maybe', 'let's see', 'possibly' in a way that made it clear she wasn't even listening. And every time I tried to tell her something, anything, about my day or something that had happened, all I'd get back was 'mm-hmm'. It drove me absolutely crazy.

Obviously there are times where you don't know whether you can commit to something or not, but at least follow it up with 'I'll let you know' and get back to them within a reasonable time frame with a firm answer.

LTB.

Edit: Just read your other posts. If he's just started a new job and was previously reliable, I'd probably cut him some slack. But if it's not working for you then it's also reasonable to walk away.

Yes, but if it's a normally reliable partner undergoing a stressful change then take that into account for a while as a possible cause. If it was someone new, or it goes on indefinitely then that's different. People aren't automata. Or ask him.

It's definitely non committal

What I mean is leave arrangements to him for a couple of weeks

I take it as a ‘probably but let me get back to you’. About 70% of the way to a yes.

my old boss used to do this whenever i asked for any time off, she would always say "that should be fine" and i hated it because it doesnt mean yes, and if she put me down to work and i said anything she could always say something like "well i didnt say it was definite"... i think she did it on purpose so we couldn't get too annoyed (i did)

@Kendra43

I know, it’s bloody annoying! In our relationship, it is me who is by far the more organised one (I always had to be, due to my job, where things needed to be organised several weeks/months ahead) and I get so annoyed by his lack of thought and commitment. Sounds like you are the same!

I have taken to blatantly putting handwritten notes of important plans on the kitchen table, in front of where he sits. He then sometimes gets a bit cross that I am so ‘literal’ in reminding him, but then I mention his trait of forgetfulness and he usually shrugs and agrees…

If he says this you need to respond with "well check your diary/calendar and let me know definitely later/tomorrow/by 4pm Saturday, because I need to firm up plans".

If he won't commit do something else without him.

I feel like saying 'so not a yes? Does it depend on something else?'

Well, that's the obvious thing to say. Why don't you just say it?

For me it means "I'm pretty sure I don't have plans that day but I'll need to check before I can fully commit"

Usually because it means my husband needs to be around for the kids and I need to check he doesn't have anything on that he forgot to tell me about.

For me it means I have other stuff on but I should be able to fit it in, if everything goes to plan!

If your partner is saying it he’s fitting you into whatever else he has on, rather than the other way around. I think it matters what he has on and if you’re usually a priority or not.

A guy at work always used that phrase when I asked him to commit to a major annual task, where I would have been f*cked if he pulled out nearer the time. It was almost a courtesy to ask him as he was pretty much the only person who could do it. It used to annoy me, like it was a power play of some kind.

I think you ar3 over reacting, he didn't say yes, he said probably/maybe. Silently seething over this and calling it disrespectful seems silly and dramatic. Use your words! Ask him, can we make definite plans or is this an 'only if you have time'? And if you are upset that you don't get time together because he is always working then discuss that, don't ask one question, refuse to ask for clarification then grt upset that he's not a mind reader.

I say this all the time, or some variation of it. I pretty much never say yes to anything immediately. Drives my wife nuts :)

If it’s stressed due to workload, the last thing he needs is you applying pressure.

Also, it depends what you’re planning. If it’s something that needs prebooking, tickets etc I think he should prioritise that no matter what. If it’s a coffee, or film night indoors, and something lands on him, he might need to skip it - but making it up to you another time.

I would say "when will you know it is fine?"

If it is a turn of phrase and he neans yes then he can say so. If it means he hopes to be available but depends on xyz you can decide if worth waiting or if you want to make other plans.