'That should be fine' instead of 'yes'

[Kendra43]

What is the difference in these two phrases to you?

Lately my partner has been agreeing to do things with the phrase 'that should be fine'. Recently he lets me down after saying this.

It has happened again where we agreed to a plan last week for tomorrow. This morning I clarified if he's still good for tomorrow and he says 'that should be fine'.

Because this is what he says every time he does let me down I'm annoyed. I feel that by not saying 'yes' he is not fully committing to our plans on some level to himself.

AIBU to say this is a phrase non committal people use? Or does it mean the same as 'yes' to you?

TBF if he's overwhelmed with a demanding new job it might just be situational and he isn't sure what he can commit to day to day either mentally or practically at the moment. See how things go for a few weeks if he's usually lovely. Different if he was cancelling to see mates or just couldn't be arsed.

You know what. I think I deserve a yes.

Not constantly 'should be' bullshit. My time matters.

Sounds like work difficulties are influencing his language - it's a very workplace-type of phrase, the sort of thing you say when you think something is probably going to be OK in principle, but you'd need to check if there's a particular policy or whether IT are going to say 'Nope, not possible'/the boss is going to either confirm or say 'No, absolutely not' depending upon the phase of the moon, the colour of their shirt or if they've just had a crappy meeting themselves.

He's teaching so his weekends are often taken up with planning and marking.

Throughout the week he has sent me messages asking how I am and how my days are going with different things, so he does care. It's odd.

It's a phrase that has a place, but really needs a specific "but" and timescale for firming up "but I'll need to check dh can take the kids/ask my boss for leave/make sure the trains run that late" or whatever, and a prompt follow up. Otherwise it's leaving a non specific "unless something better comes along" get out which is no use.

Teaching? Take my comments (especially about the boss) and double them.

He hasn't got a clue what's going to drop on him next, so whilst he thinks it should be fine, he doesn't want to say yes because he's half expecting another missive from SLT to come through completely changing everything and making everything he's done since September to be wrong.

I would bet he’s got into the habit of using this phrase at work and it’s slipping across the boundary into home conversation.

Agree with pps it is a very ‘workplace’ thing to say, but that’s for understandable reasons in many jobs.

You might be right.

I'm not his bloody colleague!

So say that?

@Kendra43 are you a non-native speaker of English or grew up in another country? Just asking because I would expect most people to pick up on the ambiguity in the phrase intuitively.

For social arrangements, I never accept someone saying "That should be fine".
I'm like, no, hang on a minute, is it yes or no? Because I'm not hanging around waiting for you to commit. And I'm not going to put my plans on hold whilst waiting for you to decide.
So is it a yes? In which case great, I'll put it in my diary.
Or is it a no? In which case I'll get on with making other plans with someone else.
But never will I hang around waiting to see if you're going to commit to my suggestion or not.
Your time and plans are not more important than my time and plans.

I am guilty of using this phrase. To me it means I want/hope to say yes, but there's a possibility I may not be able to - possibly because I have a task to do and am not sure how long it will take, or maybe my health condition has been variable and it will depend how it's going at the time. I appreciate it could be considered rude, but really I feel like it would be more rude to give a definite yes and then let someone down when I knew there was a possibility it might not happen, so when I say it I am trying to be transparent.

That is exactly what I would say though. Is there a reason you don’t feel comfortable asking for clarification?

Talk to him about it!

@NDornotND I understand and appreciate you do this as a way of being transparent. You sound very self aware.

Issue with partner is when you are in a relationship, you need to show up for each other. It's not negotiable.

Since the new job it's almost always 'should be' and never just 'yes'. Often when he said should be it goes ahead but I have that seed of doubt.

I don't think it is the end of the world as some people do like to go with the flow more, they don't want every inch of their life planned, however I would say that is ok when it is week or two in advance, not the day before said thing.

My DH is like this due to work, he is anticipating work being full on and having to work late or having to do no negotiable client evening dinners/drinks.

No you’re not being unreasonable! I didn’t even need to read your post I was so triggered! My ex did this all the time - it was like being with a fucking politician! It’s not as bad as the ‘sure’ instead of yes but I could actually cry, not being melodramatic because I’m literally ready to cry, thinking back to the frustration and upset it caused over the years- obviously there was a lot more stuff too. it was exhausting and non committal and now I’m going to read the comments in the hope that someone knows why people do this!

I can understand both sides to be honest. Weekends are precious so you want a commitment to do something together.

New job is important so he wants to make a good impression.

You can turn it on it's head by saying, I'm gonna do this on Sunday, it would be more fun with you - I can pick you up at 2pm. Make it a statement not a question.

If that's the case, then he should say so, not just give a woolly/non committal "that should be fine". I really hate "vague" people. If you can't commit 100% then explain why and give a timespan for confirming.

I think your suggestion is probably a good solution but sometimes I find people that demand all this work like approach to their social life struggle to comprehensive that not everyone wants to organise their downtime with military precision.

I've noticed that as well. They probably do not mean anything by it but it's a bit annoying when you bend over backward to suit other people's schedule for when they can come and visit and you are going to wine and dine them and you get "that should be fine" as if you might be dropped if something better came along.

Fair enough, so probably not a good "match" if the people you socialise with aren't on the same page as you, and probably need to look for different people to socialise with and, in the OP's case, to date.

I make plans and aim to stick to plans. My OH is the same. That's not by luck. Him being reliable was one of the reasons we got together in the first place. My previous "serious" boyfriend was very flaky and it was his constant cancellation and changing plans at last minute which was a factor in him being dumped. I just can't tolerate it.

Fair enough if a cancellation is for something serious and unexpected, like his car breaking down on the way, or having to wait for a roofer because the tiles blew off in the night, but certainly not for a pathetic excuse of a reason, like "a mates coming over for the weekend" or "my mum wants me to take her shopping" or for some catch up of work which was entirely foreseeable! The latter are just clear warning signs of lack of respect.

It's also a reason why I'm very low contact with my brother. He is incapable of making a plan and sticking to it. We'd agree for them to come over on a Saturday, he'd not turn up, and then randomly turn up sometime on the Sunday, no phone call, no text, nothing. Drove me absolutely insane, especially when he acted all put out if we were doing something else and had to shoo him out of the door after a short time as we had somewhere else to be. He expected us to cancel whatever else we were doing! Obviously he thought he was more important!

Teaching can be overwhelming and especially in this term- it feels relentless. But equally it’s unfair to you to be so vague. Could you ask if he would just prefer to avoid making plans until the holidays or something? At least then you know and you can make plans with other people, and just see him for low-key stuff like meals at home. It might sound a bit rubbish but when I was FT teaching I never wanted to be tied to a weekend commitment in case I was absolutely knackered when it came around, or needed to catch up with domestic chores because a frantic week’s work had meant I’d done nothing there all week.

If a new behaviour since the teaching job it might be that he’s on the edge of burnout/overload.