To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

It would have been my DSC's worst nightmare.

I think that this is what comes of how we fetishize Christmas Day. If you spend meaningful and quality time with people throughout the year then why should it matter if circumstances mean you can't see them in person on one particular day? I get making the effort but I don't get why people tie themselves in knots just because of one day.

Because he suggested there’s no point to celebrating Christmas with his wife and 3 year old if he can’t see his older kids.

His youngest didn’t ask for any of this. It’s not her fault his ex got dumped. It’s not her fault her dad thinks she’s not worth making an effort for if her older siblings aren’t there.

So if ex came for dinner everyone would be treading on eggshells incase they did/said the wrong thing incase she got upset about her break up or something else. As she seems a bit delicate. I mean nobody wants her crying into her turkey and brussels.

I would say either he puts his foot down and kids come as usual or he goes to visit them for an hour alone.

You are taking this too personally, Anne, and being defensive. Presumably you will all be together in the morning and for lunch. He just wants to see his older children, with their little sister, for a while in the afternoon. I don't see anything wrong with that, your parents will be with you and you can have a breather. They'll be back for the evening.

Other than that, do Boxing Day for your step-children.

I've suggested that DH collect DSC and bring them back here for a couple or hours.

That way DD isn't leaving home but they all still get to see each other.

That would make more sense. I hope now that the first shock is over that your DH had stopped this "there's no point in celebrating Xmas without the teenagers" nonsense and understands that he needs to think of his youngest child as well in all of this.

I can understand his reaction. It's shock, I struggled without seeing my children at Christmas. So I do see his reaction, and solution as a snap reaction.

Your solution is much better but do give him the benefit as you yourself were reacting to not having your child all Xmas day.

In my eyes yes the toddler is the one suffering getting taking away from her toys and mum on Christmas day to suit the ex, no way in the month of Sundays would I allow this to happen.

This situation has become about the power dynamics between the two women. This is a bit of a red herring.

In reality, the dad just wants to spend some time with all his children and wants his children to spend time with each other on Christmas Day.

There is no easy or simple solution. OP was aware she wouldn’t have a conventional family when she married into an existing family so needs to be able to work with her DH to find a compromise that recognises what everybody wants.

Equally, the ex wife is being unreasonable and she needs to compromise too. Break ups are difficult and of course the holidays are going to be hard and lonely this year. Not enough recognition is being given to why she is acting out this way.

Both DSC are in panic mode at the mo and not thinking clearly.

Maybe all meeting for a walk or at a cosy pub for an hour on Christmas Day (neutral territory and limited timeframe). Nobody is alone and Dad gets all his kids together for a while.

Maybe dad sees his sons on Christmas Eve and all three children open CE boxes together. Facetime on the day itself. Then do the older children’s presents and some other festivities on Boxing Day at dad and OP’s house. As everyone’s had turkey already, you can do a big ham or choose something new & festive you’d all enjoy - beef wellington, goose, bird in a bird etc.

Nobody is left alone. Dad gets plenty of time with all his kids. It just needs compromise and creative thinking.

And how did he take that?

What did he say to that? Or having the DSC xmas eve/boxing day?

Is HE willing to compromise at all?

Christmas is for the kids. All that matters is that they all spend time together. If it has to be at ex wife’s house so be it. You really need to roll over on this one I’m afraid. There’s two of them and one of yours so it’s not unreasonable they get to choose their mum. It would ruin their Xmas to think of her alone. They are old enough now to realise how miserable that would be. You’ve got to suck it up I’m afraid for all the children a sake. Make Boxing Day at home for all 3 kids super special to compensate.

I’m pretty sure your child won’t be upset at leaving the house with her father…

I’d be tempted to be the bigger person and let them go. I don’t understand how an adult can't cope with being alone for a few hours on Christmas Day.

I don’t see why your DC has to go at all?! And why so many think you should be ok with that? I would definitely feel the same as you OP-I couldn’t care less about my DH’s ex and would be thinking my child is nothing to do with her so don’t want them
at her house. His other DC are hardly going to be bothered if they don’t see their 3 year old sibling on Xmas day and I say this as a mum to a 15 year old with my ex, a SS who is 16 and then 2 joint young children with my DH-I know my DD and my SS don’t care if they miss seeing their younger siblings but my younger siblings would be upset at being taken away from me or their dad to a strangers home on xmas day

I agree but she will not be alone, her parents will be there. They will be back in the evening anyway.

How do you know it is a 'stranger's' home? I would think she has been there before and no doubt the ex makes a fuss of her.

He needs to grow up

I would say it's unusual for separated couples to see theit kids on Xmas Day every single year

Probably unfair on the kids too

She gets them xmas day, he gets Boxing Day

Next year you swap

Personally it wouldn’t bother me if he popped out for an hour with my child. Will give you time to prep if you are the one cooking dinner. Or just a break to put your feet up if not.
if you could all be civil then the Christmas dinner would be a good idea, but I appreciate that wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea 🤣
I think give him a bit of leeway, put yourself in his shoes.

Absolute nonsense. As if the prime consideration for two teenagers at Christmas is spending time with their three year old half sister, or vice versa. This touching fantasy of that being 'all that matters' is actually to make the man here feel better, and making a 3 year old sit in a stranger's house for an afternoon without her mum, her new toys, or her dad's attention, is not exactly 'the spirit of Christmas' is it? If someone has to 'suck it up' that can be the ex.

Why should she have to do this?

No, OP said she hadn't been there