To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

That.

spot on.

just maintain that. He can go but DD stays at yours. I understand how he feels but he doesn’t get to “pass on the pain to you”. This is taking the p.

Good luck 🌺

Why does OP want everything her way? More like ex does. She just doesn't want her child to go but is quite OK with DH going.

She will not be alone! Her parents will be there. Husband and daughter will be there all morning and for lunch. He's not planning to go all day, he'll be back in the evening.

I honestly don't know what the objection is.

I just want to add, do people not realise they have to be flexible with arrangements when there are ex-spouses and children involved? No arrangements are written in tablets of stone.

They both want things their own way.

Ex's relationship status has nothing do with the children visiting their Dad on Christmas Day. Couldn't she see family or go and feed the homeless or something if she doesn't want to be alone.

As a child I spent many a year with both parents and their equivalent families at Christmas, one year at my mum's and her husband and the next year at my dad's and his wifes. This included the other parent each time. This only stopped when there was too many too accommodate due to kids and grandkids etc and even now when I'm 43 I have my dad's sister in law show sometimes at my mums and my dad's wife's kids show at my mum's, It was a blended family and still is. As all families should be if they're seperated.
But if you really can't abide to be together then I think you do need to accommodate the afternoon visit
A few hours away from your child isn't that bad. Even on Christmas day. Let him take him to see their siblings. They clearly want to work this out between them if they haven't took it to a.solicitor yet and frankly if anything it sounds like your not accomodating. Of course a mum doesn't want to be alone at Christmas. It's bad enough splitting up but to then have your kids go see dad while you sit at home is not nice.

He wants to be able to see all of his children for an hour FFS!

The fuss made over one day never ceases to astound me.

Do they? I'd say the OPs version of "their own way" is to stick the existing agreement. Instead, she's suggesting a compromise where her DH goes to spend some time with his two older kids, or doing alternating years.

At 3 years old, morning and afternoon are pretty much the main parts of Christmas day. I don't blame OP for not wanting to give up a significant portion of her time with her DC and to take her DC away from GPs, toys and all the fun parts of Christmas unless they are keen to see their older siblings.

They are if you go to court, and therein lies the problem. Get a proper court order and people can't deviate from the arrangements.

Surely he just says no she sticks to the agreement. Why is it changing as she’s single? Pretty sure no court agreement would say mum can keep the kids all day the years she is single! She can go to family or friends like many single single parents do who share children. Why is he agreeing to this and then inconveniencing you?

True of course, but they do. The posters criticising the husband here are not realising that his “Christmas is ruined” is part of our cultural fetishising of Christmas.

I think the idea of a compromise is lost on some. Surely it's not just doing whatever H and his ex say?

Do you think I really want DH going off for hours on Christmas day to his exes house? No obviously not. But I'm happy to compromise and wave him off so he can see DSC and not complain because I understand why he feels he needs to. The only thing I'm asking is that DD stay here. That is a compromise.

Anyway, as stated he's going to ask that DSC come here for a few hours and then take them back to mum for dinner. As PPs believe it to be imperative that the siblings all spend some time together then surely that works just as well as going to her house but DD isn't taken away from home to a strangers house.

And again, the time he's proposing he goes, my family won't be here. And yes ex also has family.

FFS!

If the ex hadn't split up from her partner she wouldnt have had the kids all day. So I don't see why they can't still just go to their dad's for a couple of hours without her. There is no way a 3 year old should be taken from their home and their toys on Christmas day to visit a practical stranger's house to watch their siblings open presents in front of them. If she was older and understood more maybe but at 3 making her watch her siblings open presents in a strange house is just mean.

Why can't he face time Xmas morning then again early evening? Knowing teens they probably won't be bothered to sit and chat much if he goes over any way, so he will be there making small talk with the ex while they are playing their games console anyway. Christmas isn't the same for older children the magic has gone. He should concentrate on his younger child on the day then when they come on boxing day it will be all about them. Tell him if he isn't careful he will an ex husband and part time dad for a second time.

You need to read my posts. I don’t think dad should go the ex’s house. I suggested a couple of other compromises.

Tell him to go to her’s on Xmas day with his suit case and not bother coming back!

Likewise how do you know ‘she has been there before and the ex makes a fuss of her’?! My DC have never stepped foot in my DH ex’s house (my SS’s house) and likewise my ex’s children have never stepped foot in mine

As the children of divorced parents, we absolutely loved having 2 Christmases.
1 with our mum on Christmas day, and 1 with our dad and his wife on boxing day. We were the envy of all our friends!

Is he totally against this idea?? Maybe suggest he discuss it with his children and see what they think?

It would be a hard no from me I’m afraid. My DH had 4 children when we got together and we never had the option of having them on Christmas Day. However he would never in a million years have suggested visiting them at his ex-wife’s house and leaving me at home. YANBU.

@TheMauveBeaker Why did he never have them Christmas Day?

@Youthiswastedontheyoung because his ex-wife had them.

@TheMauveBeaker Was he OK with that?