To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

@LBFseBrom no need to think. OP said the little one has never been there before, in fact, she's only seen the ex once or twice through the door.

But if a leap to think the teens don’t care if they see their sibling! Unless of course you’ve spoken to them? I’ll assume you haven’t.

OP’s DC will still be with their dad though.

You really need to roll over on this one I’m afraid.

Interesting turn of phrase.

This 👆 He doesn’t want to exclude your shared child. He just wants to see his other children on Christmas Day. Yes, to many of us that would be unnecessary, but there are two reasons why wanting that visit is a good thing. Firstly, it would probably be nice for all children to see each other at Christmas and secondly, there are so many poor fathers. This father was to spend some time on Christmas Day with all of his children.

Surely you can see an hour or two alone as time to recharge yourself. Also, you said your own family is coming at Christmas. In that case, you won’t be alone will you?

Unless your DC is keen to see their siblings I don't think it's fair to take her away from her new toys, grandparents etc to visit a women she hardly knows and watch them open presents.

Your DH should go and see his kids for sure, that means he can see all of his children on Christmas day and the Ex can see her children all day. Then on boxing day you can do something special with all the kids.

You are all about this being an issue with his ex. How about a bit of empathy for your husband and thinking about how it might be quite nice for all of the children.

Same goes for the ex

Because the issue is her partner being separated from two of his children for the whole day

The ex could also summon up some empathy for her own kids, and their actual father, and think 'I'll be fine for a couple of hours, it'll be good for them to see their dad and their little sister too'.

Couple of hours alone knowing your family is coming back is different from being alone and lonely over Christmas dinner and evening.

can’t believe that needs explaining.

The issue is the selfish ex unilaterally changing the
plans because they’ve lost their boyfriend.

But they can easily see their siblings xmas eve or boxing day-that’s what the majority of step children will be doing anyway with some of their siblings-like if it my turn for my DD to be with me Xmas day she then see’s her dad and his new children Boxing Day instead-and I know she couldn’t care less about if she didn’t see all her siblings that day-I do know my young children would not prefer or even want to go to a stranger’s house regardless of whether their dad was with them or not versus staying in their own home with their new toys

One person’s selfish is another’s heartbroken, lonely and in need of empathy.

She’s got family she could see too, same as everyone keeps telling OP to

OP said she was fine with him going round, to see his older kids, but not with him taking the youngest as she's never been to the house at all and would be there away from her new toys and presents, when her dad will be occupied with his older kids. Not a good experience for her. Not sure why so many posters are happy to make the three year old have a crap afternoon to please dad.

Nope, selfish.

Has she? Do you know her because OP hasn’t mentioned her extended family situation.

OP said the ex also had family she could see, yes.

OP did mention this.

I definitely agree that Christmas Eve could be really special. And that will give everyone a chance to chill on the big day. I always think that Christmas Eve is more magical anyway! You could organise something really lovely that will become a new tradition.

the children need to know they are loved so it is not about the ex nor about you but what is best for the children. If your family are over for the day why not send DH and DD off to see the other children in the morning for a couple of hours?

As a single mum: she’s being unreasonable. Can’t the children come for Xmas dinner and then go back to her? Surely she can cope for a few hours. It’s about the children, not her.

Absolutely, but that sort of common sense and kindness is unlikely to fly here 😏

So the ex can’t be left alone at all without children on Xmas day, but it’s ok for the OP to be alone some of that day ?

I suspect this wouldn’t be acceptable to the OP. She wants everything her way, despite their being a blended family!