To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

Are you at all worried about him being a shoulder to cry on for ex?

Sounds like you don't trust one of them, if not both.

It is weird for him to ask to take your child there. Has ex agreed to it?

I don't think it's to do with trust at all.

DH is just being emotional and wants to see his DC he's got with the ex. Ex is feeling sorry for herself and trying to change arrangements for everyone to suit her.

I thought seeing family/in laws/blended family that you don't want to see at Christmas was just part and parcel of the day?! 😅

Seriously, I'd have to weigh up the pros and cons of the options. I'd rather host her for a few hours then not have my child with me.

Do another Christmas Day on Boxing Day for SC lots of families do this for many reasons, it doesn’t mean Christmas is ruined - he needs to get a grip.

It sounds like he's doing a 'woe is me' hoping you'll be the one that gives in to make his life easier than him having to tackle his ex. You're right - just because her relationship has ended doesn't mean the usual xmas plans should change for everyone - xmas should only be different for her.

Hopefully when he's thought about it he'll realise it's not your problem, but if he wants to upset his wife & daughter's xmas just because of her he needs to compartmentalise. Who wants the horrid ex round to their new family's home on xmas day fgs, or their daughter going to his ex's family home. He needs to grow a pair.

I’ve not read through all of the posts but I am literally shocked at the amount of people being like ‘don’t see the issue’!!! From what I’ve read we are in a similar situation, shared DC similar age with older SS, and the relationship sounds similar with the ex - gone through some difficult times but have periods of time where we are civil. She would categorically not be stepping foot in our house (DH would agree) except for an emergency and he would have no desire to go to hers - he would rather sit in a car with SS outside her house to make contact work that way. The ex is an adult, she can manage for 2 hours alone because HER circumstances have changed - not yours - not the kids - HER’S. Why is no one saying how awful it is that she’s keeping the kids from their dad at the drop of a hat because she feels like it?! Your DH needs to grow a backbone and say you’ll be sticking to the normal (hopefully court ordered) arrangements because her relationship breakdown doesn’t dictate your family Christmas - stepchildren included.

@Youthiswastedontheyoung he was. We would have them on Boxing Day or another day that suited.

But you’re not heartbroken

He's being very unfair expecting you to change all your plans to suit her so she's not on her own. Suggest doing another Christmas day on boxing day when his kids can come then he can have Christmas day with you & your child then another lovely day with all of you together. Ask the kids what they want to do & go with what they want. I'm sure his ex will have family or friends to go to if they chose to be with their Dad.
I'd also be having a word with his telling him how his suggestion of him taking your child over there & leaving you on your own is upsetting. It's like he's putting his ex needs before yours & that's hurtful. It's ok for you to be on your own but not her? Erm... no way mate, not happening.

What amazes me is the way people rush round and spend a morning here, an evening there, on Christmas Day. I expect whoever is coming for Christmas Day to be there by lunchtime i.e. 1.00, and leave around 7 pm. I know our young people go off and party in the evening, but anyone with children is unwrapping presents in the morning (and/or church), family afternoon and dinner and go home in the evening to wind down. If coming a distance they stay over from Christmas Eve till late Boxing Day or early the following morning (this is DD's pattern, DSS has large family party which I usually attend and which takes all day, with everyone bringing something towards the meal i.e. roast beef, turkey, veg, desserts, alcohol, soft drinks etc). How does everyone manage to be dashing around all the time, and when can you get quietly tipsy?
As to OP's DH, he's not thinking straight. Christmas with your own child and your parents will be lovely - and no dashing about - and DH's DC can come on Boxing Day and you simply do another Christmas Dinner (turkey crown, or lamb (expensive but forgiving), roast veg (veg can be frozen - some very nice sprout combinations with maple syrup etc), and stuffing, bought Christmas pudding in microwave with double cream - brandy to light) with crackers etc, and Christmas Day activities with presents (keep back some of own DC's presents so they also have something to unwrap), games, walks etc. So, two Christmas Days - lovely and I would happily do it, and have done so.

Why don't you want your DC to see her brothers/sisters on Christmas Day? Very odd. However, ex having Christmas Day and you having all DC on Boxing Day (and do Christmas Day again) is a better solution. I don't see why anyone wants to be driving round on either Christmas Day or Boxing Day several times - seems a waste of time all round.

I think him popping there on Xmas day is more than reasonable

My DH is like this every! Year! Not his fault, Ex just dictates, makes me feel sad for our boys. Good luck. Stick to your guns.

OP is married to her DD's Dad so there is no reason for her not to see her 100% of the day. The DSC were meant to visit them for part of the day but because ex has now split with her partner she wants everyone to change their plans.

I'm not sure why some posters think the ex is being reasonable.

She's happy for her DC to see her older siblings on Christmas Day if her DH brings them over. She doesn't want her DC to be taken to her DH's ex's house, leaving OP at home alone.

Very reasonable OP.

This is yet another example of how stepmums cannot win!!! If OP was on here saying she was going through a hard time emotionally and didn't want SC on Xmas day she would be absolutely torn apart! Told that the children come first, her feelings are secondary, you cannot change the agreement because of her feelings, they feel terrible for the poor kids who didn't choose this.

Yet it's okay for the mum to change plans on a whim based on her feelings! Christmas isn't a couple of days away. There is still over a month, she has plenty of time to arrange to see other family or friends when the kids are out.

Wave him off and enjoy your afternoon with your DD. He would not be taking my child anywhere. YANU!

YANBU. In your place I'd be telling DH in no uncertain terms that if he thinks he has problems this year, they are nothing compared to the problems he'll have next year when he'll be juggling the competing demands of two ex-wives and thee children at Christmas. Tell him to either grow a pair or piss off!

Completely agree.

She has unfortunately married this weak man.
How the hell women find a man who is so terrified of his ex attractive is utterly beyond me, not to mind actually marrying them and having a child.

Its actually unfathomably the idea to marry a man that is scared and dominated by another woman and expecting to have a peaceful healthy relationship.

I hope the OP finds her steel znd puts HER foot down.

Otherwise shd should dump him.

Exactly, the ex.split up with the father of her dc, they have a dad and they can see her in the morning and their dad in the afternoon.

If her bf hadn't dumped her she was happy to wave the kids off to stay home with her new chap.

Does he fancy her still and does he think he has a chance now she is single? I ask because it's anything to see her; but at your detriment.

Yes, because kow-towing to a selfish witch of a woman is fine as long as she is the birth mother and not the wicked step-mother.

The misogyny is alive and well on Mumsnet. FFS

It's okay with so many of the "people" on MN because the unreasonable one is the birth mother and here, they get a pass and the step-mother is supposed to just give in.

They hate step-mothers here, probably because too many have children who have step-mothers.

That isn’t misogyny. Both parties are women.