AIBU for not wanting my partner to watch porn?

[Applecider96]

I'm pregnant and the hormones are probably playing a part but I don't understand why my partner used porn when we both enjoy sex. Some people are into it and there are differences of opinion, but I don't understand pleasure over another person whilst you're in a relationship? I'm due in less than a week so it's really annoyed me tbh. I've been unsatisfied before and I didn't make a point of using it. I'm finding it hard to not see it as an ick and I'm put off him right now. But when this is mentioned, people suggest watching it together, no? It's just another fake thing in this world. Oddly I don't feel this way from being insecure in myself, it is purley finding it hard to see porn as anything other than cringe. It is normalised to be sexually aroused by another person, how can I learn not be frustrated with this has anyone else felt this way? To add, why should I cook every meal and clean whilst pregnant for him to do what he wants.

(Female here) i can understand a good part of the porn industury is omg, that said when ive watched it i prefr the porn made by women for women and or lesbian only as its women based, thn i try to focus on the ones where its ver popular stars eg Nina Hartley etc so hopefully its more morally better overall, then sometimes its also for learning and improving ideas that can be used with my partner so its on like some watch tv and films but with porn while eg reading mumsnet etc.

Honestly if a woman posted on here saying that her husband was telling her she couldn't be aroused by anyone else, nor masturbate unless thinking exclusively about them, posters would be queuing up to call him controlling, abusive, ridiculous & advising she LTB before the red flags stack up.

OP this is very clearly a jealously issue on your part driven probably by insecurity. (No I'm not saying all women that don't like porn are jealous, there are very valid ethical reasons for taking that stance, but OP isn't concerned with the ethics and her position is not only anti-porn but anti-thought).

excatly true, with the roles reversed

Spot on.

Taking away the fact it’s exceptionally controlling to tell your partner they can only think of you when they’re masturbating, how do you propose you actually go about making sure they stick to your rules?!

"Vast majority are not made for marriage, and they don’t have normal levels of empathy either."

By definition, whatever 'levels of empathy' are held by the 'vast majority' is the 'normal level'.

For the posters wanging on about how some porn is women choosing to do it?

I’d suggest you read this:

https://books.friesenpress.com/store/title/119734000278263129/Andrea-Heinz-and-Kathy-King-When-Men-Buy-Sex:-Who-Really-Pays%3F

Consent cannot be bought.

I haven't read it, but that sounds like it's about prostitution rather than porn (and, while there may be overlap, I wouldn't pereceive them as being one and the same).

If a woman chooses to make "solo" pornography, or videos of her participating in sex acts with her partner, does there remain a concern about consent, for you?

The porn is an issue, but the last sentence in this paragraph is the real issue for me. Why are doing all the cleaning and cooking while pregnant? That's not cool at all, he should be helping you out. Unless he's working literally 23 hours a day, his priority should be on taking time to help you and make sure you're alright.

Yes.

Largely, because it’s very difficult ~impossible~ to be sure that the consent is freely given. And most porn users don’t bother to find out. The issues around exploitation, abuse and actual physical harm for prostituted women are mirrored in the porn “industry”.

For me, there are other concerns about the porn “industry” - how women are portrayed, how it changes the way users think about sex.. I could go on, but you get the idea.

even without modern porn, how do society explain courtesan's, roman and greek orgys etc ? then the swingers of the 50/60's etc

Just to make sure I understand, I think the implication is that certain porn can be consensual but the issue is whether or not that consent is (or even can be) verified?

Then there's the separate question of societal harm.

The verification is absolutely part of it.

Linked to this, is whether the porn user cares about this. Or are they willing to just consume the content - knowing there’s a risk it might not be consensual (and that the non consent could be anything from coercion right through to outright rape)- to still get their rocks off, knowing this

And yes, the wider societal issues.

@SmileEachDay what are your thoughts on a person feeling aroused by someone that isn't their spouse?

@Applecider96 I don't understand what it is that is causing the confusion here?
In my mind, the difference is actual harm.
If I fantasise about another man or woman while masturbating, it is very different to watching porn in as much as there is absolutely no chance that another human is coming to harm from potential coercion or manipulation as is always a possibility in the porn industry. Even if I look at photos of an ex while masturbating it is still entirely different to me as it would be a photo procured consensually. The same goes for DP: if he thinks about a colleague or ex or some other woman he finds attractive while masturbating, I will come to zero harm.
I won't even know.
Neither will the woman he is fantasising about.
If he were to watch porn to wank, there is a possibility that some of the people involved in its production will be participating under duress or coercion.
Is that clear?

I think people get aroused by other people, even when they’re married. How that is handled is up to the couple.

So you take the word of 2 ex sex workers because they are saying what you want to hear but choose to ignore the sex workers ex or otherwise or people who are in direct contact with sex workers that are on this thread telling you that their experience is different

I’m absolutely going to focus on those who have experienced harm.

It’s an “industry” that allows that to happen and most users of porn (or who use prostituted women) couldn’t give a shiny shit if what they consume causes harm.

I’m sure there are those for whom working in porn is positive (although there is overwhelming evidence that those working in the sex “industry” have suffered childhood trauma at a rate higher than the wider population, which is interesting) But that in no way mitigates the appalling abuse suffered by many.

how to people explain the fashion industry with documented sweat shops and the harm the making of the garments used causes etc

I'm sorry I have never read something so idiotic lol. He can masaturbate over a co worker and that is fine to you? You have issues worse than the rest

@Applecider96, no issues. Because I don't own what happens in my sexual partner's head. That's his or her private domain.
Isn't it funny, I think a person who wants to police what their lover fantasises about, or who attempts to compel exclusivity-in-thought, is the one with the issues. I am free.

It's a big difference between finding other people attractive in real life and actively going on line actively seeking scenarios such as the awful degrading or plain sleazy ones that some men of all ages are addicted to watching. The thing I don't like is the hypocracy and secretiveness of many men - if they thought the women in their life were all fine and dandy about it- why hide it?? And I'm afraid many do pretend they aren't into it and just hide it - thereby denying women who have a huge issue with it a right to tell them to clear off etc - we all have boundary's, for some it's booze, gambling, drugs etc and porn , general sleaze and prostitution are as valid for others

Why do you word it in a silly way to make it seem normal? You are one of those people who genuinely try to act like it's normal when it really isn't. It's not about control it's about being in a relationship, I myself don't and know others who do not masterbate over people they work with whilst they're in a relationship. That is so ridiculously wierd and the fact that you try to normalise it is worse. So if your partner was doing that and it led to them cheating on you, you would still find your thoughts normal would you? It of course depends if said person would actually cheat or not, but they're already half way there by fantasising about them every night. People like you ruin the sacred that should be and its embarrassing

Forgetting which side anyone on here falls in terms of the debate around watching porn, you OP have a very unrealistic and puritanical view of relationships. If you hold these views and this thread is indeed not a wind up, I’d be very interested to know of your circumstances. Are you or were you raised in a very religious setting, American maybe? There are a lot of very cult like religious offshoots over there, where do you get these ideas about someone’s mind being so pure?

@Applecider96 I have not used 'silly wording' to normalise my thoughts ‐you were the one who called me idiotic and implied I had 'issues'.
I'm not 'normalising' anything, because it really is normal for both men and women to find people other than their current romantic partner attractive, and for such people to feature in their sexual fantasies. Fantasy and masturbation does not lead to cheating; that's such a stretch.

Since becoming an adult, I have dated and formed relationships with partners who understand how love and desire overlap and differ, how autonomy and independence do not preclude trust and intimacy, how we can be free ‐together.

I'm not in an open relationship, or polyamorous, I've never cheated and I'm pretty sure my partner hasn't either ‐we just don't think that what each of us do when we masturbate is particularly relevant to our actual, real world relationship. He would never in a million years question me about previous partners, sexual fantasies or whether I found someone sexually attractive, and neither would I him. Because I'm not interested.

Porn and prostitution would be a deal-breaker for both of us though, in the same way as using some other unethical source of entertainment or service, or supporting an unethical business or trade. Not because we value exclusivity (which we do) but because it is unethical. Nowhere are my points contradictory, yet you seem to have a really hard time understanding what I'm communicating. I'm not trying to get you to agree with me, I'm just responding to your increasingly rude comments.