AIBU for not wanting my partner to watch porn?

[Applecider96]

I'm pregnant and the hormones are probably playing a part but I don't understand why my partner used porn when we both enjoy sex. Some people are into it and there are differences of opinion, but I don't understand pleasure over another person whilst you're in a relationship? I'm due in less than a week so it's really annoyed me tbh. I've been unsatisfied before and I didn't make a point of using it. I'm finding it hard to not see it as an ick and I'm put off him right now. But when this is mentioned, people suggest watching it together, no? It's just another fake thing in this world. Oddly I don't feel this way from being insecure in myself, it is purley finding it hard to see porn as anything other than cringe. It is normalised to be sexually aroused by another person, how can I learn not be frustrated with this has anyone else felt this way? To add, why should I cook every meal and clean whilst pregnant for him to do what he wants.

Well you weren't happy about it before and still don't seem happy about it now, how have your thoughts changed?

Because it's normal human behavior, and trying to police someone's thoughts is both a fool's errand and controlling in the extreme.

"Is this honestly your belief, it’s the most puritanical, naive and controlling thing I’ve heard!"

You sound quite controlling over what you think that the OP should be accepting and thinking about porn imo.
Stop shaming her for her beliefs. She's entitled to them, as you are entitled to yours.

OP there are plenty of men who don't watch porn. I sometimes work with men who are managing mental health issues and for quite a few of them, porn has become an issue that they prefer not to have affecting their relationships with their partners.

I'm sorry that some of the women here have a bar set so low they can't imagine a life where their men aren't doing whatever the fuck they want. They can't imagine a life where men aren't animals who can't control themselves. And they will shame any woman who expects better as a way to control them because their expectations of men are so low.

It's absolutely ok to want better than this.

They can't imagine a life where men aren't animals who can't control themselves.

Jesus. Wanting to watch people have sex to get yourself to orgasm doesn’t make someone an animal who can’t control themselves. What am I reading?!

I’m controlling, have you read your post and OPs, FULL of controlling elements!

@WandsOut "Stop shaming her for her beliefs"

2 paragraphs later....

"I'm sorry that some of the women here have a bar set so low they can't imagine a life where their men aren't doing whatever the fuck they want."

😂 practice what you preach dear

@SwingTheMonkey very possibly. If their wives/partners find out that they are, then the relationship will end. Because some women have clear standards and boundaries and they feel entitled to hold them, even when people try to erode them by insisting that "everyone does it" and "he'll just do it behind your back" and "they aren't all trafficked and vulnerable". 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes that’s a risk. But how would you know, unless you put tracking spyware on his device? Some men won’t be, but lots absolutely will.

OP, what happens in my head when I masturbate has absolutely zero bearing on the way DP and I enjoy intimacy within our relationship. I have a very rich and fulfilling inner sex life and I sure hope DP does too. It would feel really weird to me if I was with someone who professed a desire for the kind of exclusivity which included the contents of my mind.

Not part-taking in porn isn't about some kind of exclusivity trip, but about whether or not we normalise and consume something which is likely to cause others to come to harm.

I trust mine. I'd never violate his privacy with spyware or checking up. I've known him since we were kids, I know how he feels about porn and I trust him. If I did find out he was using porn, then he wouldn't be the person I think he is, and that would be the end of us. It's not complicated.

Don't twist what I said, sex is sacred and it depends on your relationship, if you're a single swinger for example porn might be for you, not in all relationships for many reasons. People get aroused by others when they're not deeply into the person they're with lol

No doubt there's a huge disparity between the % of men who genuinely do not watch porn vs the % of men who tell their partners that they don't.

I fully expect that most (but possibly not all) posters who believe their partner doesn't watch porn are being misled.

You’re not unreasonable. There’s been a lot of effort in making women accept this, but we know inside it’s not normal to sacrifice ourselves for a man like this. This is a low level man, sorry to say..

You have to understand men to understand it. They’re polygamous, we just got lied too. When you stop and look, you’ll see it everywhere. Vast majority are not made for marriage, and they don’t have normal levels of empathy either.

How can you say you have a rich inner sex life with your partner, if you watch porn and get off on others in that way? It doesn't make sense lol
I see what you're saying on the last part

People get aroused by others when they're not deeply into the person they're with lol
Are you a very young adult, per chance?

What does age have to do with it? So you age past 40 and suddenly you're polyamarous?

I think I said earlier on the thread, I don’t love the idea of my oh getting off to porn. So I just don’t think about it. I don’t know if he watches it, I don’t know when he masturbates, I don’t know who he’s thinking of when he does it. I just don’t concern myself with it. It’s his private business.That takes away any of the issues.

How does watching porn make you polyamorous?!

See I'm the same. I think there was confusion earlier of me watching it with him but I don't nor do I usually concern myself with it. But sometimes it does fuck me off maybe because of issues in the relationship I need to face

She isn't even talking about porn, here. This is her belief that it's wrong to think about someone other than your partner when masturbating, and that if you are "deeply into" your partner you will never be aroused by someone else.

That's why I asked if she's very young; it all sounds a bit Disney.

The first line of defence when someone is upset about their partner viewing porn is that they are jealous, insecure, uptight etc. And women are supposed to be so scared of being those things that they let it slide because who wants to be branded as that?!

Well, me- I will be branded as that. Finding my ex was wanking off to the "categories" of women I will never be (which are all incredibly dehumanising, racist, misogynistic and ageist) made me incredibly jealous and insecure.

That is before all the coercive, abusive, illegal stuff in the industry that no one can correctly identify as an online viewer. And all the traumatised people who speak up after leaving the industry (if they live that long).

So I don't care being branded as just jealous for not wanting a partner who watches porn. I am (as well as repulsed and disgusted).

Knowing your partner is looking at someone else, a real person, (who is statistically not happy) when they come will never not affect me and I don't give a shit if that makes me a prude. It's insane women are labelled unreasonable for having natural feelings.

I do go on mucky lit sites if I need inspiration...no one gets penetrator, traumatised or hurt but I still get off.

And get to fuck with men being 'visual' creatures! Men will live with a mattress on the floor and one canvas of a cityscape on a bare wall while women make a beautiful home with throws, candles, plants and colours. Funny they are only visual when it comes to using women.

It's a bit disney to see it as strange to be aroused by someone else? Lmao emphasis on aroused by someone else, not attracted to. Seriously is that how far gone you are in that shitshow

@Applecider96, I think you have me confused with another poster? I don't watch porn, and neither does DP. I do think it is still absolutely fine to masturbate while thinking of people other than one's romantic partner. In no way do I think enjoying solo sex while fantasising about other people jeopardises or cheapens the special intimacy one shares with one's partner.

Can you explain to me how in your opinion they are different? Just genuinely curious. I mean literally thinking of another person or watching another person. Not going into how people see porn as degrading etc etc.

Well it's clearly "normal" for men, in the sense that the vast majority of men do it to some extent or another. If you're talking simply about pleasuring oneself to the idea of another person, without potn necessarily involved, then it's clearly normal for a large number of women too, such as many on this thread.

You don't seem clear on the dfference between "normal" and "morally acceptable, to me".

But while the Eternal Porn Debate on Mumsnet has a lot of angles and difficult to resolve aspects, your case is pretty simple. Your marriage is doomed, as is pretty much any other relationship you're likely to have with a man. You're imposing a wholly subjective idea of "sacredness" over your partner's sexuality and expecting them to comply with it. They're unlikely to be willing to, and extremely unlikely to be able to even if willing. You're just completely out of touch with how sex works for nearly all men and many women.

It seems odd that you never thought to air your intent to impose this control over his sexual self before you got married. But whatever - you are where you are and will need to deal with it.