Wondering if I'm always unpopular because I'm autistic?

[remembranceday212]

A couple of people said they thought I was autistic recently which was a total shocker.

Having looked into it a bit it does kind of make sense. I'm not going to pursue a diagnosis because frankly it's no one else's business.

I've done well at school, Uni and work, so it hasn't held me back as such.

But the bit I'm not coping with is just not fitting in with any group, and not 'getting it'.

I just never get what people are talking about in groups- and need things explained to me really clearly before I get it. By which point the conversation has died or completely moved on.

Just feeling sorry for myself really. Just feel really lonely, and would love to be included. I come across as really friendly, but after a short while people move away from me.

What do you mean by: 'I'm not going to pursue a diagnosis because frankly it's no one else's business.' You would have to share any diagnosis if you didn't want to, but it may help you understand yourself a bit better.

Sorry you're feeling lonely. Feeling excluded is really hard.

Those people sound unhelpful. It is fine to ask questions.

I think a diagnosis would help you understand yourself and therefore work on stuff or learn to accept it.

I have a friend who may or may not be autistic, but she does need everything in a conversation explaining to her as you describe, because she often seems a bit puzzled by what people are saying - like she doesn't pick up on any nuance or subtext. Does that sound like how you feel?

I had years of people asking me if I'd considered I might be autistic before I was diagnosed. I didn't really know anything about it the first time it happened.

I won't pretend some of those weren't being dicks but most of them were well meaning.

I very rarely tell anyone.

But, yes, I have come to the conclusion that it is largely why I am unpopular.

I come across as really friendly, but after a short while people move away from me.

Yes. People seem to only like me in small doses and for a short while.

I'm probably autistic, have read into it very thoroughly and found strategies recommended for autistic people helpful. I'm not pursuing a formal diagnosis atm (other health issues) but feel better within myself having "realised".

I struggle with groups and "fitting in" so mostly just don't chase that any more, I am friends with individuals.

I don’t normally post about these things but I will for balance…

I am autistic. Diagnosed as such 11 years. Now in my late 30s

I have always had friends. I’m one of a group of 5 best friends (they’re neuro
normal). I am definitely the odd one out. And I take things very literally which is confusing for some people. I do not understand subtext or vagueness. I’m also very naive and have sometimes needed rescuing from dangerous situations which I hadn’t noticed 😳 especially when younger! (I’m very risk averse these days!)

I’m usually first to go home because I’m sensory overloaded and my ears are dancing & my brain is like a radio trying to tune into a far away FM station.

DS is autistic too and thankfully all my friends, their children and their husbands are all really supportive and patient with me. I’m very lucky.

Im very good at masking, but it’s just so tiresome!

I agree with @MintiLamb and @Comingupriver

If you seek assessment, you might get a diagnosis, or you might not, but either way, you don't need to tell other people if you choose not to.
However, at least looking in to things a bit more, might help you understand yourself a bit better.
It might also be easier if your close friends know, so they don't think you are being obtuse, but understand that you genuinely don't understand a lot of the nuances of language and the social cues that most people pick up naturally.

Try and make friends here and there and have individual friendships don't try and merge with a group. Often all the others are more close because they've been friends longer. They you can feel left out, even if they don't mean it.

Happened to me.

go see a therapist. I’ve been going for years. Always lonely, never feel included. I’ve got a great job, loving kids and a fiance. Not many friends. Like, 3 max.

Find some autistic/adhd people and see if you fit with them.

I would seek out like minded people. Don’t feel bad that friendships haven’t worked out, they’re just not your people. You need friendships with other autistic people and/or people who share interests with you.
Dont rule out assessment and diagnosis. Whilst you don’t think it’s of any advantage work wise, it cou”d be really helpful to help you understand yourself and feel better about yourself.
What are your interests btw?

I'm not going to pursue a diagnosis because frankly it's no one else's business.

As others have said though- you don't need to disclose any diagnosis to anyone unless you want to! Have you tried any online tests on it? Clearly no an indicative diagnosis, but the results might make decide whether or not to get formal checks done. IF you are diagnosed, you might get more support at work.

To add - one reason neurotypical struggle with autistic people is because they need to ask clarifying questions e.g. if you were told to arrive at 6 for a 7pm start - a neurotypical person would get that but an autistic person might ask, “Why do u have to arrive at 6 if the event starts at 7?” These sorts of questions come across as rude or obtuse to neurotypical despite that not being the intention.

The reason I’ve mentioned this is that it’s an example of why it’s much easier and better to have friendships with people who understand and accept your communication style/way of thinking.

I've never fitted in with groups and find maintaining friendships hard. My DS (8) is being assessed for ASD, and on reflectio n most of the indicators he inherited from me (my brother is ASD, meanwhile my Dh is Adhd) obviously makes me wonder about my own brain!

Just sending you some solidarity really. Its hard feeling like your always on the outside. I accidentally offended someone last week (sometimes I blurt out things without thinking) and their response was to tease me for 2 hours about being posh (im not but my parents are - ive had lots of varied life experience but have a southern accent) and how posh people are rude, entitled and lazy. I came away so upset and confused - was he just teasing me in a friendly way and I was being over sensitive? Or does he actually really really dislike me? I have no idea. Came home and cried my eyes out 😬.

I can identify. I'm now 60 and I was asked this about 12 years ago by someone whose adult son was neurodiverse. Initially I responded "No!" But then, when I looked into it, it rang so many bells with me in regard to my Dad and two male cousins... So then I read up on female autism, and it seems to fit.

One of our local GP's says I'm "probably" autistic, the other thinks it's just severe Social Anxiety, but I haven't had an official ASD assessment because my area doesn't offer adult assessments and I can't afford to pay to have one done privately.

I've never really fitted in anywhere, always been told I'm "odd", was bullied at school and never accepted by my peers. I try to be friendly but people don't take to me. I regularly get a bit of a bashing when I post on threads here or on Ravelry, my wording is always somehow off, or childlike and some people take an instant dislike to me. It happened yesterday on a dog thread and it really upset me.

I do have a tendency to waffle on too much about stuff, I know I'm doing it and I get annoyed with myself for it...

Edit for grammar.

I feel like this. I questioned whether I should have kids cos I didn’t want them to feel like a misfit like me, or always excluded. my kids are grown and unfortunately they also really struggle to make friends. I tried to get out and about with them as much as possible when they were young but they didn’t mix easily anywhere!

i have friendship groups in and out of work but I often feel like you - I go out with them and I can’t follow what they’re saying. I can’t see what’s trendy or socially acceptable, I feel I get social things wrong all the time. I think most people slightly avoid me and are irritated by me. I have hundreds of memories of rejection that regularly upset me.

On the plus side I have a good job, fiancé, stable life. I love walking up hills to get away from people - I really enjoy some things in life. I’m better 1 to 1 with people

I don’t know if it’s autism or my family genes have a bit of a flaw socially. I’m just trying to enjoy the things I like and not worry that I’m rubbish socially, and not worry for my kids who have the same problems. Its heartbreaking but I can’t help it, and life is short so just need to get on with it

I can really relate to your post and hope it helps to know it’s not just you x

I suspect I might be autistic. I can follow a conversation fine but struggle with eye contact, can't stand change, haven't had a friend since I was in primary school. I wanted to tell you that you aren't alone - I probably won't pursue a diagnosis but I did a course on understanding autism for a child I look after and autism in girls is so different to the stereotypical presentation mainly seen in boys so suddenly things made a lot of sense and I mentally forgave myself for being a bit weird and not being able to make friends.

I have never fit in, never been popular. I don't know what to do in groups (people always turn away from me to talk to each other). I can deal much better with individuals but sometimes not even then. I don't know how to make small chat apparently although I have never worked out why I am different and why people often react like I am a bit odd. I get stressed by many social situations and it takes effort. It does hold me back in many ways as I know I wont easily make friends or be liked. But what can I do? You are not alone.

I found the book Aspergirls really helpful when I first starting researching female autism. I know the term Aspergers has been discredited somewhat now, but it's still helpful with regard to getting a grasp on the differences presented by high functioning autistic females.

Oddly, I've found that I don't... It will sound weird as a suspected ASD person myself, but I find autistic people difficult to be around.... Too many awkward silences. I think if you don't have common ground you still won't gel.

I don't fit in either. I'm not diagnosed, but after going through a diagnostic process for my two sons, I could see it all. Looking back through my childhood, teen years, and so on. I've always been bullied, because I just don't understand subtle communication, don't pick up on signs that someone doesn't like me until they are utterly awful to me.
My eldest autistic son, has actually explained to me how to cope and read people, he's very high functioning, and a lot brighter than me. But mostly I just am alone. I have my dogs, my children, and feel quite blessed and happy mostly.

It's actually quite difficult for me to post on here, it feel like a lot of social contact right now. I've felt exhausted lately.

I want to be outraged by this as a person with a diagnosis but I totally hear you. i am part of an autism group who meet the odd time and honestly we are all very different. It is a spectrum as they say. I identify more with my adhd than my asd. Aspergers is no longer a term just fyi.