Wondering if I'm always unpopular because I'm autistic?

[remembranceday212]

A couple of people said they thought I was autistic recently which was a total shocker.

Having looked into it a bit it does kind of make sense. I'm not going to pursue a diagnosis because frankly it's no one else's business.

I've done well at school, Uni and work, so it hasn't held me back as such.

But the bit I'm not coping with is just not fitting in with any group, and not 'getting it'.

I just never get what people are talking about in groups- and need things explained to me really clearly before I get it. By which point the conversation has died or completely moved on.

Just feeling sorry for myself really. Just feel really lonely, and would love to be included. I come across as really friendly, but after a short while people move away from me.

Hi op, my son is 21 and autistic and is super popular and has a large group of close friends from school who all love him to bits. He’s the only ND one in the group and he’s totally open about his autism and seems to attract people ( and dogs! ) to him . He’s really sociable, doesn’t drink so he’s the sensible one who all the parents love haha.

my daughter is 13 and autistic and is as anti social as they come and is not interested in making friends and has had 2 best friends since she was little and she hardly bothers with them. My dc couldn’t be more different if they tried.

I would give some thought to seeking a diagnosis. I was diagnosed last year with ADHD aged 45 and am on the adult autism pathway and a diagnosis has helped me understand and make sense of so much.

please don’t think being autistic means having no friends though, they’re not mutually exclusive.

My son is neurodivergent. He has always struggled to make friends. The schools I work with are actively seeing neurodiverse governors. We see it is a strength, and as we have many students with a range of neurodiversity, having representation at a strategic level matters. We want to make our schools better for all.
Recently we invited neurodiverse alumni to return to school to talk to current students about their post school lives, what careers they have, how they found university, what they would say to their younger selves. It was very powerful.

Some people just lack social skills and emotional intelligence, it doesn’t mean they are autistic. Autistic people have very different early development compared to neurotypical people.

I'm socially awkward and struggle with day to day interactions. Plus need routines, struggle with sensory overload.

I got my autism diagnosis at 44. It's helped me go a bit easier on my self and question why I want friends if I find friendships so difficult.

Joining Mumsnet has really helped me, I find talking on here and giving my opinion makes me feel a part of something and at times heard.

Is this true?! I feel like my brain has just melted. Why would anyone just accept you need to be there at 6 for a 7pm start? Is it really obvious and I just don’t get it?

Learn to embrace the awkward. Just be serene and let them be the one fidgeting and think the awkwardness is them when you know it’s definitely you 😂

I did this recently during a Zoom breakout room, my nemesis, 1:1 video time with a practical stranger. It worked a charm 🙃 (This is only possible thanks to my new anxiety medication 🤓).

I’ve just realised this has little to do with anything but I’m too invested to delete it now.

There was also a study done that neurotypicals actually just instantly dislike neurodiverse people on a subconscious level. It's like their brain spots that there's something different and just goes nope. I can't remember the ins and outs of the study but it was a very interesting theory

Double empathy theory?

No it was actually specifically about nts and nds . Double empathy is just a general theory about differences. It's so long ago now since I read it that I can't remember where I found it.

I have a friend who has autism. We met as our dhs are long term friends. Knowing she has autism really helps me accept little things l would otherwise find a bit strange. Eg.: when we meet l will ask how her children are..what is Tom up to? Has your gc started school . Usual stuff. She will enthusiastically fill me in. Then silence! She never asks me how my guys are doing, where they are etc. I know now this is part of autism so just accept it but if l didn't know it would turn me off. She is an amazingly gifted person artistically and intelligence wise and l notice she is quite involved in groups surrounding those things. Even her holidays entail a group activity. Her dh is happy to oblige.
For me Knowing is everything.

Just wanted to say I get it; I can relate to so much of what you’ve written. I’m not diagnosed but scored highly on the online test ( the 40 questions one?). I think I’m probably autistic. I’ve never felt like I’ve fitted in either.

I think there is a bit of "uncanny valley" involved. People feel uneasy about things that look human but are a little bit off. It's horrible that that is some people's subconscious reaction to ND people.

Errr.... did you not see me say these words the term Aspergers has been discredited?
I was talking about the title of a book, which, is a fact because that is what the book is actually called. Aspergirls. I didn't choose the title of it 🙄

Feel free to be outraged by me. I think you're just illustrating the point that not all ASD people think the same.

(Or maybe my GP is wrong and I'm just actually neurotypical after all 🤔)

@PyreneanAubrie way to miss a point completely.

I suspect that's more about disliking people that are different. Being part of a subculture (eg goth, biker, metalhead or whatever) can have the same effect. Before you even open your mouth you are being judged, so they wouldn't necessarily be aware that you may or may not be on the Autism Spectrum.

Edited for punctuation.

Do you have any special interests? I suspect DS is mildly autistic and he is one of the top humans I know. He takes a while with friends but finding a group who are into stuff he likes (specific board games, computer games and a particular sport) really helps with friends.
I'm sorry you feel unpopular with your current groups, that can be so hard.

I think a lot of adult-identified neurodivergent people have this common feeling of "not fitting in" - it does seem to help if you can seek out like-minded people.

I have tended to find mine in slightly alternative ways - online that ends up translating into IRL meet ups, focused interest groups, or indeed ADHD/ASD support groups. There is a Neurodiverse MNers section (though I find it really annoying that it can't be configured to show up in Active because I always forget it exists!)

See I wouldn't question that. I'd get there just before 6....

I'd question it because I like to understand exactly what I'm walking into so I can prepare myself.

This is me too. Diagnosed earlier this year, so posted on the “Autistic MNetters Assemble” thread to introduce myself and seek advice… totally ignored. It hurt more than years of social exclusion in the real world!

I can get by fairly well in NT circles - I mask, and people often seek me out to lead groups etc, present at work. But I hate it.

You and me both then 🙄

Sorry that happened to you 💐 On the ND MNers board there’s a chatty thread you could try.

I have 2 old friends who I'm sure must be autistic but they're still good and valued friends.

The only comment I'd make, which isn't meant to be nasty, just to explain why I try to 'control' the kind of situations where I meet them, is that they will both 'talk the hind leg off a donkey'. I've learned to set up situations where I see them for a definite, limited time - or I'm caught like a rabbit in headlights for hours, nodding to a monologue and cannot get a word in, or stop the flow.

They are lovely women and I enjoy their company - in limited doses! But if pushed, I'd say that I'd hesitate to introduce them to other friends who don't already know them and their ways, because when I have done so, other people are often less patient with them and they end up being ignored etc.

I am trying to be helpful here! I think what they both need to do is to chill out more in group conversations - just smile and nod sometimes, rather than feeling they need to understand everything that's being said and every name which is mentioned. They seem unable to just sit back and let it flow over them, if you know what I mean, and not to take every remark quite so seriously. I appreciate that this isn't easy for them - but if I had to analyse what goes wrong for them, that's what I'd say.

My daughter has been diagnosed as autistic and asked how she can improve her social interactions. She told me that she felt the strong need to make her point in conversations - above all other considerations, and just HAD to keep talking until she thought other people had grasped what she was on about. I said - that's not necessary - it's more important to bat back and forth, listen to others and keep it flowing. She found this hard to understand and it has given me some insight into my friends' situation (above). (Btw - she's a happy young woman with good friends, but I know she's had problems in group settings in the past).

Do you have any neurodiverse friends? Perhaps you just haven't found your tribe. I know a lot of ND young people and they get on really well with each other. They take it in turns to wax lyrical about their special interests, for example, when they know their NT friends wouldn't like it. Can bea beautiful thing.

The answer is yes, probably.

I spent my entire life struggling socially, never fitting in, and in more recent years, realising that people rarely warm to me. It was only after having my autistic kids that the penny dropped.

It’s been so freeing to finally understand that I’m not a freak, broken or truly unlikeable, I’m just autistic. But I did pursue a diagnosis because just suspecting it was true wasn’t enough for me.