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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wondering if I'm always unpopular because I'm autistic?

138 replies

remembranceday212 · 14/11/2024 17:21

A couple of people said they thought I was autistic recently which was a total shocker.

Having looked into it a bit it does kind of make sense. I'm not going to pursue a diagnosis because frankly it's no one else's business.

I've done well at school, Uni and work, so it hasn't held me back as such.

But the bit I'm not coping with is just not fitting in with any group, and not 'getting it'.

I just never get what people are talking about in groups- and need things explained to me really clearly before I get it. By which point the conversation has died or completely moved on.

Just feeling sorry for myself really. Just feel really lonely, and would love to be included. I come across as really friendly, but after a short while people move away from me.

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 15/11/2024 08:12

CoffeeCantata · 15/11/2024 08:05

I have 2 old friends who I'm sure must be autistic but they're still good and valued friends.

The only comment I'd make, which isn't meant to be nasty, just to explain why I try to 'control' the kind of situations where I meet them, is that they will both 'talk the hind leg off a donkey'. I've learned to set up situations where I see them for a definite, limited time - or I'm caught like a rabbit in headlights for hours, nodding to a monologue and cannot get a word in, or stop the flow.

They are lovely women and I enjoy their company - in limited doses! But if pushed, I'd say that I'd hesitate to introduce them to other friends who don't already know them and their ways, because when I have done so, other people are often less patient with them and they end up being ignored etc.

I am trying to be helpful here! I think what they both need to do is to chill out more in group conversations - just smile and nod sometimes, rather than feeling they need to understand everything that's being said and every name which is mentioned. They seem unable to just sit back and let it flow over them, if you know what I mean, and not to take every remark quite so seriously. I appreciate that this isn't easy for them - but if I had to analyse what goes wrong for them, that's what I'd say.

My daughter has been diagnosed as autistic and asked how she can improve her social interactions. She told me that she felt the strong need to make her point in conversations - above all other considerations, and just HAD to keep talking until she thought other people had grasped what she was on about. I said - that's not necessary - it's more important to bat back and forth, listen to others and keep it flowing. She found this hard to understand and it has given me some insight into my friends' situation (above). (Btw - she's a happy young woman with good friends, but I know she's had problems in group settings in the past).

This is insightful. My dd's teacher even mentioned it at parents ' evening: that she writes with almost foo much passion for a history essay, like she feels like her teacher just doesn't get it, rather than covering off both sides more dispassionately

Jellycats4life · 15/11/2024 08:18

longestlurkerever · 15/11/2024 08:12

This is insightful. My dd's teacher even mentioned it at parents ' evening: that she writes with almost foo much passion for a history essay, like she feels like her teacher just doesn't get it, rather than covering off both sides more dispassionately

I think it’s very common for autistic people to over-explain (I’m a master of long looong text messages or WhatsApps)

People say it’s down to a lifetime of always being misunderstood, so writing reams and reams in the hope nothing can be missed, twisted or misinterpreted.

romdowa · 15/11/2024 08:40

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 07:39

I suspect that's more about disliking people that are different. Being part of a subculture (eg goth, biker, metalhead or whatever) can have the same effect. Before you even open your mouth you are being judged, so they wouldn't necessarily be aware that you may or may not be on the Autism Spectrum.

Edited for punctuation.

Edited

Its not a conscious judging, its completely subconscious and its not something that the neurotypical can put a name to. A part of them just knows and takes an instant dislike to the nd person. The nd person can dress normally and the nt brain just goes nope. I'm actually going to ask in my nd WhatsApp if they know the study.

DesertGecko · 15/11/2024 08:51

HollyKnight · 15/11/2024 05:05

I think there is a bit of "uncanny valley" involved. People feel uneasy about things that look human but are a little bit off. It's horrible that that is some people's subconscious reaction to ND people.

Uncanny valley…Oh god it’s worse than I realised 😹 So we’re like that weird grandma making gnocchi in that recentish video made to show off AI tech?

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/LeRhPf7Vzb0?feature=shared

romdowa · 15/11/2024 08:56

romdowa · 15/11/2024 08:40

Its not a conscious judging, its completely subconscious and its not something that the neurotypical can put a name to. A part of them just knows and takes an instant dislike to the nd person. The nd person can dress normally and the nt brain just goes nope. I'm actually going to ask in my nd WhatsApp if they know the study.

My fellow autists came through and found the study !
pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8992906/

Victoriancat · 15/11/2024 09:00

👋 I was diagnosed in college at age 17 and so much made sense, I'm now 33 and don't have close friends, mostly online ones. It can be very lonely as I see people go out and have fun but I can last all of about an hour and need to leg it home cos I start to panic, I've gotten used to it. Instead I go out with my husband but he's the same and prefers being indoors, you just need to find what makes you happy, for me that's being indoors nice and cosy and reading!
People I'm acquaintances with have accepted sometimes I might be there (literally every 4 months or) and that I might be awkward but they're used to it.

Psychoticbreak · 15/11/2024 09:00

romdowa · 15/11/2024 08:56

My fellow autists came through and found the study !
pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8992906/

Thank you for this. Have just shared in my own Autism community whatsapp :)

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 09:21

romdowa · 15/11/2024 08:40

Its not a conscious judging, its completely subconscious and its not something that the neurotypical can put a name to. A part of them just knows and takes an instant dislike to the nd person. The nd person can dress normally and the nt brain just goes nope. I'm actually going to ask in my nd WhatsApp if they know the study.

Clearly I missed the point yet again....😬

(NB I'm your stereotypical weirdo; witchy, gothic and quiet with a massive scary dog so I tick multiple "avoid" boxes for normal people)

eightIsNewNine · 15/11/2024 09:25

romdowa · 15/11/2024 08:56

My fellow autists came through and found the study !
pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8992906/

How disappointing. All those words about a study about liking or disliking "autistic people" and in the end they mention they haven't included a single ND woman in the sample.
I'd thought that the fact that ND demonstrates itself differently in women is known by now, but once again, nope.

Thanks for the link anyway, I don't want to shoot the messenger, it's just sooo annoying, another default men.

DesertGecko · 15/11/2024 09:34

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 09:21

Clearly I missed the point yet again....😬

(NB I'm your stereotypical weirdo; witchy, gothic and quiet with a massive scary dog so I tick multiple "avoid" boxes for normal people)

Edited

Is it an XL Bully?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/11/2024 09:36

I would consider getting on the waiting list for a diagnosis - even if it’s long you’ll get there in the end.

I don’t think it’s helpful to self diagnose. The value of a diagnosis is you can understand yourself and why you act in a particular way. If you haven’t actually had that diagnosis, you can’t do that.

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 09:39

DesertGecko · 15/11/2024 09:34

Is it an XL Bully?

No 😆 Nothing like an XL Bully! She's a big white fluffy bear, but just "scary" to some people because of her massive size. I'm probably more scary tbh😏

Euphonious · 15/11/2024 09:47

eightIsNewNine · 15/11/2024 09:25

How disappointing. All those words about a study about liking or disliking "autistic people" and in the end they mention they haven't included a single ND woman in the sample.
I'd thought that the fact that ND demonstrates itself differently in women is known by now, but once again, nope.

Thanks for the link anyway, I don't want to shoot the messenger, it's just sooo annoying, another default men.

Yes, I've just read the study, and it's pretty problematic from a number of angles. It's also a tiny study, and some of the things the participants were asked to 'rate' the video clips on were highly ambiguous eg 'attractiveness' -- is this meant to be physical attractiveness, or what? I entirely agree about the major problem of all the participants being rated being male, and the majority of those doing the rating as female, plus also the male participants being rated are all aged between 13 and 21, which seems a bit of an odd choice...

DesertGecko · 15/11/2024 09:54

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 09:39

No 😆 Nothing like an XL Bully! She's a big white fluffy bear, but just "scary" to some people because of her massive size. I'm probably more scary tbh😏

Like a Great Pyrenees? People are scared of our dog and he’s a Lab 😂 Granted I call him an XL Lab because he’s huge (‘is that a horse or a dog /hyuck-hyuck-hyuck’ comments). I think you sound lovely 🧙‍♀️

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 10:09

DesertGecko · 15/11/2024 09:54

Like a Great Pyrenees? People are scared of our dog and he’s a Lab 😂 Granted I call him an XL Lab because he’s huge (‘is that a horse or a dog /hyuck-hyuck-hyuck’ comments). I think you sound lovely 🧙‍♀️

Yes, she is that breed - they are Pyrenean Mountain Dog here, Great Pyrenees in the US. Oh yeah, I can identify with that with your XL Lab! I'm quite little so I get told "you could put a saddle on that and ride it" almost every day- if I had £1 for every time someone has said that in the last 47 years I would be a wealthy woman 😁I've had 8 of these dogs and I love them... but I do waffle on about them far too much, it has to be said. I know, it's another ND trait 🙄

Being called lovely makes a change from the old MN chestnut "batshit". Been called that a few times on AIBU 😜 My dog is lovely and I'm sure your XL Lab is too; see we could gel over big dogs at least!

BertieBotts · 15/11/2024 10:13

The double empathy problem is useful to read about - basically, autistic people typically struggle with neurotypical social expectations. NT communication involves a lot of assumption, subtext, context, implication, missing information which you're expected to fill in (because it's "obvious") etc, usually because it is considered rude to make a direct request, or because giving the "obvious" information implies that the listener is stupid, unfamiliar with the topic etc and may insult them or result in an explanation which is too long. (As I write this not in the correct order, I realise the irony of me explaining that ND explanations can be too long!)

Autistic people often miss a lot of this, or don't know what assumptions to make or what information to fill in, not because they are stupid or unfamiliar with the topic, but because it can be difficult to assimilate parts of things out of context. They can take people overly literally. There is also a lot of (in NT communication) what I tend to think of as social code, which is non-literal, and where you're adding little extra things to interactions in order to communicate an underlying piece of info about your feeling or the relationship between you - it might be something that means "this was a lot of effort, please appreciate it" or "I don't want to overstep boundaries" or "we are just the same, you and me" or "remember, I'm the one in charge" or "I want this interaction to end now/soon".

Because in real life communication, those will rarely be literal but things like self-deprecating humour, or references to pop culture, or even total inversions of the literal meaning (oh it's no trouble at all!) or sometimes nonverbal e.g. tone or body language, they can be difficult to pick up on for autistic people who often prefer a more direct communication style, and may struggle to make sense of something taken out of context (e.g. a pop culture reference). And/or they may come across as pointless (talk about the weather) so may be ignored, or alternately they may be taken much too seriously where a NT person would recognise that it's just social lubricant and not pay attention to the words themselves but note the meaning, usually subconsciously.

This kind of thing led to a medical belief for years that autistic people "don't have empathy" simply because they don't respond in an expected way to NT social cues and/or don't pick up on subtle clues that the other person might be bored, irritated, upset, uncomfortable etc.

This is a very specific, NT-coded model of empathy. So it's incorrect to say autistic people don't have empathy, just because they don't automatically pick up on and perform the social rituals that we tend to code as empathetic.

So OTOH, you could turn this around and say NT people struggle to empathise with autistic people and/or struggle with autistic communication style. NT people use unclear communication and don't get straight to the point or explain what they mean. They may get annoyed at questions they feel are intrusive or unnecessary. They may be unaware of signs that an autistic person is becoming uncomfortable, anxious, or confused about what is being communicated to them. But nobody suggests that NT people don't have empathy.

Autistic people tend to communicate much more easily with other autistic people, because they don't usually do all of that social coding stuff unless they have picked up on the fact that other people do it and repeat it almost rote - it often feels a bit out of place to NTs, usually because they have picked up on a rough context where this happens but not the subtleties of exactly when. Autistic people also often give a thorough and exact explanation, which can come across as too specific or too long to NT people, but is usually welcomed by other autistic people. And they may be more likely to be direct in requests, which again is clearer to other autistic people and usually not taken offensively. Clarifying questions are also welcomed in autistic communication, whereas autistic to NT clarifying questions are sometimes mistaken for being one of the "socially coded" type interactions and taken as a dig at the original person's instructions/authority or seen as a way that the questioning person is trying to get out of following the instruction.

When NT people communicate with other NT people they can usually follow the other person's social codes and context unless there is a barrier such as differing cultural norms (because social codes are extremely culturally specific) - culture shock is a great example to look at this, because for example if you take two cultures which seem similar but the communication norms are quite different, e.g. British/American - the first time one interacts with the other, you get the American wondering if they have upset or offended the Brit, or assuming the Brit is a nervous kind of person because a Brit will often make a lot of self-deprecating jokes, this is our way of demonstrating respect, by reassuring the other person that I don't think I'm better than you. And our level of friendliness towards acquaintances is much more understated. Then the other way around, the Brit may wonder if the American is trying to manipulate or trick them, or think that they are an arrogant sort of person, because the level of friendliness Americans tend to display towards acquaintances is much more obvious and can come across as fake or disengenious to Brits, and because in American culture, confidence communicates competence and trustworthiness, whereas in British culture confidence can look like superiority. Once you get used to this, you can then "read" the person more easily.

The double empathy problem is about how autistic people and NT people fail to understand each other properly, though understand each other much better. And the fact that in these interactions, it is only the autistic person who is accused of not having empathy and expected to change the way they communicate in order that NT people won't misunderstand them.

BertieBotts · 15/11/2024 10:18

TheWayTheLightFalls · 15/11/2024 07:45

This is me too. Diagnosed earlier this year, so posted on the “Autistic MNetters Assemble” thread to introduce myself and seek advice… totally ignored. It hurt more than years of social exclusion in the real world!

I can get by fairly well in NT circles - I mask, and people often seek me out to lead groups etc, present at work. But I hate it.

Just saying with this one - there is enough overlap between ADHD and ASD and I do think this is a familiar experience for ADHDers.

Secradonugh · 15/11/2024 10:21

remembranceday212 · 14/11/2024 17:21

A couple of people said they thought I was autistic recently which was a total shocker.

Having looked into it a bit it does kind of make sense. I'm not going to pursue a diagnosis because frankly it's no one else's business.

I've done well at school, Uni and work, so it hasn't held me back as such.

But the bit I'm not coping with is just not fitting in with any group, and not 'getting it'.

I just never get what people are talking about in groups- and need things explained to me really clearly before I get it. By which point the conversation has died or completely moved on.

Just feeling sorry for myself really. Just feel really lonely, and would love to be included. I come across as really friendly, but after a short while people move away from me.

Darling. Get a diagnosis, then you can seek counselling to help you in those situations. Too many autistics (especially girls) don't get diagnosed, so don't get to have the mechanism to pick up on the conversation. If "other" people know you have autism, then most of them will go out of their way to include you when you join a conversation as long as you aren't being rude / short.

DesertGecko · 15/11/2024 10:29

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 10:09

Yes, she is that breed - they are Pyrenean Mountain Dog here, Great Pyrenees in the US. Oh yeah, I can identify with that with your XL Lab! I'm quite little so I get told "you could put a saddle on that and ride it" almost every day- if I had £1 for every time someone has said that in the last 47 years I would be a wealthy woman 😁I've had 8 of these dogs and I love them... but I do waffle on about them far too much, it has to be said. I know, it's another ND trait 🙄

Being called lovely makes a change from the old MN chestnut "batshit". Been called that a few times on AIBU 😜 My dog is lovely and I'm sure your XL Lab is too; see we could gel over big dogs at least!

Ohhh ok thank you, my English is very mixed up from being raised in a few different countries even though I was born in England 🥴 I’m also small so similar comments, people are not very original! Actually when I say people it’s always men. I actually always wanted one of those dogs, but I thought maybe they’re too big for me…and then we ended up with the world’s largest Labrador anyways. A lady in the park once let me hug hers, like a big white fluffy cuddly soft toy 🥰 (I didn’t pester her to hug her dog she offered of her own accord 😅) Hugging stranger’s dogs in the park, now who sounds batshit?!

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 10:29

eightIsNewNine · 15/11/2024 09:25

How disappointing. All those words about a study about liking or disliking "autistic people" and in the end they mention they haven't included a single ND woman in the sample.
I'd thought that the fact that ND demonstrates itself differently in women is known by now, but once again, nope.

Thanks for the link anyway, I don't want to shoot the messenger, it's just sooo annoying, another default men.

I dunno, it's weird because I think I'm pretty good at masking my autism/anxiety, but then even when I think I'm being normal, my chap will sometimes tell me I was being "a bit odd". I think anxiety makes me come across as self-absorbed, because I'm so busy worrying about what I'm going to say next, that I don't always take in what the other person says. But there's probably more to it than that.

My mother didn't know anything of autism but said I was often described as "a strange child" or as being "quaint" like a pixie or a changeling. She herself would word it as "you were not quite like other children". But although I have two male cousins who are neurodiverse, in the 60's/70's nobody was aware of it in girls. I did fairly normal stuff like dolls, and later, as a teen, pop music but I was still never invited to friends houses or to parties. So clearly, there is something that singles us out, even when we're not aware of it.

It was only as an adult that I realised some of this. Even when I tried to fit in I was always an outsider. It's still the same; on my street there are 7 women of similar age to me, they socialise, go for walks with their dogs etc. in twos or threes, they spend ages chatting on the street, but I'm lucky if I get a hello. Three of them are a bit nicer to me since the jubilee street party, because I explained to one of them that I wouldn't be attending due to autism/anxiety. Now they seem to make a little more effort to be friendly, but I'm still an outsider, even though I've lived here the longest.

Sorry for waffling on about myself again😳

Gettingbysomehow · 15/11/2024 10:33

A good friend I work with is autistic. She cannot make friends at all. She's ok with me because im very laid back but people just dont get her sicially or at work.

JustinThyme · 15/11/2024 10:34

I think it’s a bit simplistic and disrespectful of people with autism to imply they don’t have friends, and it’s autism to blame.

My DC has a great group of friends. It took him time to find his tribes a as it does for many people, ND and NT alike - but he’s sociable and popular. He also is unlikely to be able to live independently, but that’s ok. We work around it.

Autism isn’t a death sentence for friendships and relationships, for goodness sake. It can explain why people find some types of interactions challenging, but it’s not a foregone conclusion that the OP can’t have friends.

eightIsNewNine · 15/11/2024 10:36

BertieBotts · 15/11/2024 10:13

The double empathy problem is useful to read about - basically, autistic people typically struggle with neurotypical social expectations. NT communication involves a lot of assumption, subtext, context, implication, missing information which you're expected to fill in (because it's "obvious") etc, usually because it is considered rude to make a direct request, or because giving the "obvious" information implies that the listener is stupid, unfamiliar with the topic etc and may insult them or result in an explanation which is too long. (As I write this not in the correct order, I realise the irony of me explaining that ND explanations can be too long!)

Autistic people often miss a lot of this, or don't know what assumptions to make or what information to fill in, not because they are stupid or unfamiliar with the topic, but because it can be difficult to assimilate parts of things out of context. They can take people overly literally. There is also a lot of (in NT communication) what I tend to think of as social code, which is non-literal, and where you're adding little extra things to interactions in order to communicate an underlying piece of info about your feeling or the relationship between you - it might be something that means "this was a lot of effort, please appreciate it" or "I don't want to overstep boundaries" or "we are just the same, you and me" or "remember, I'm the one in charge" or "I want this interaction to end now/soon".

Because in real life communication, those will rarely be literal but things like self-deprecating humour, or references to pop culture, or even total inversions of the literal meaning (oh it's no trouble at all!) or sometimes nonverbal e.g. tone or body language, they can be difficult to pick up on for autistic people who often prefer a more direct communication style, and may struggle to make sense of something taken out of context (e.g. a pop culture reference). And/or they may come across as pointless (talk about the weather) so may be ignored, or alternately they may be taken much too seriously where a NT person would recognise that it's just social lubricant and not pay attention to the words themselves but note the meaning, usually subconsciously.

This kind of thing led to a medical belief for years that autistic people "don't have empathy" simply because they don't respond in an expected way to NT social cues and/or don't pick up on subtle clues that the other person might be bored, irritated, upset, uncomfortable etc.

This is a very specific, NT-coded model of empathy. So it's incorrect to say autistic people don't have empathy, just because they don't automatically pick up on and perform the social rituals that we tend to code as empathetic.

So OTOH, you could turn this around and say NT people struggle to empathise with autistic people and/or struggle with autistic communication style. NT people use unclear communication and don't get straight to the point or explain what they mean. They may get annoyed at questions they feel are intrusive or unnecessary. They may be unaware of signs that an autistic person is becoming uncomfortable, anxious, or confused about what is being communicated to them. But nobody suggests that NT people don't have empathy.

Autistic people tend to communicate much more easily with other autistic people, because they don't usually do all of that social coding stuff unless they have picked up on the fact that other people do it and repeat it almost rote - it often feels a bit out of place to NTs, usually because they have picked up on a rough context where this happens but not the subtleties of exactly when. Autistic people also often give a thorough and exact explanation, which can come across as too specific or too long to NT people, but is usually welcomed by other autistic people. And they may be more likely to be direct in requests, which again is clearer to other autistic people and usually not taken offensively. Clarifying questions are also welcomed in autistic communication, whereas autistic to NT clarifying questions are sometimes mistaken for being one of the "socially coded" type interactions and taken as a dig at the original person's instructions/authority or seen as a way that the questioning person is trying to get out of following the instruction.

When NT people communicate with other NT people they can usually follow the other person's social codes and context unless there is a barrier such as differing cultural norms (because social codes are extremely culturally specific) - culture shock is a great example to look at this, because for example if you take two cultures which seem similar but the communication norms are quite different, e.g. British/American - the first time one interacts with the other, you get the American wondering if they have upset or offended the Brit, or assuming the Brit is a nervous kind of person because a Brit will often make a lot of self-deprecating jokes, this is our way of demonstrating respect, by reassuring the other person that I don't think I'm better than you. And our level of friendliness towards acquaintances is much more understated. Then the other way around, the Brit may wonder if the American is trying to manipulate or trick them, or think that they are an arrogant sort of person, because the level of friendliness Americans tend to display towards acquaintances is much more obvious and can come across as fake or disengenious to Brits, and because in American culture, confidence communicates competence and trustworthiness, whereas in British culture confidence can look like superiority. Once you get used to this, you can then "read" the person more easily.

The double empathy problem is about how autistic people and NT people fail to understand each other properly, though understand each other much better. And the fact that in these interactions, it is only the autistic person who is accused of not having empathy and expected to change the way they communicate in order that NT people won't misunderstand them.

I'm sometimes wondering whether the NTs really share the code (as much as they think) or whether they think/pretend they understand each other, but if their interpretation of the clues got verified they would be way off quite often.

My theory is that ND people see seeking precise understanding as a part of mutual respect, while NT see value in a smooth flow even when they don't understand a word.

Secradonugh · 15/11/2024 10:38

JustinThyme · 15/11/2024 10:34

I think it’s a bit simplistic and disrespectful of people with autism to imply they don’t have friends, and it’s autism to blame.

My DC has a great group of friends. It took him time to find his tribes a as it does for many people, ND and NT alike - but he’s sociable and popular. He also is unlikely to be able to live independently, but that’s ok. We work around it.

Autism isn’t a death sentence for friendships and relationships, for goodness sake. It can explain why people find some types of interactions challenging, but it’s not a foregone conclusion that the OP can’t have friends.

It's completely dependent on the people around you. If say you are 50 or older, had to move around multiple schools because they just thought you were difficult, had no one explain to you why you found it difficult until you were in your 30s and could only seek advice from then onwards, then that's completely different from a child with autism who is allowed to be in mainstream schools and interact properly with other kids. Age is a huge factor because society wasn't helpful. The challenge of autism / ADD and ADHD isn't the people who have it, it's been society learning better to integrate.

PyreneanAubrie · 15/11/2024 10:45

@BertieBotts
Thank you, this is fascinating in many ways and I hope it's okay if I save it for my own reference (I promise I will not quote you anywhere).

I definitely do the waffling on/long answers. But the reason one of our GP's thinks I'm chronic anxiety not ND, is my use of humour. I do self-deprecating, black humour, sarcasm, irony. Americans never ever get my humour, they take it literally; as you point out here. I learned this on Ravelry when a US mod banned me (and a felow European poster) for a joke about a cat 🙄 I also make eye contact, and in conversation I do ask about someone's kid, dog, ailment. So I'm not quite typical although possessing many autism traits. I do empathy but I think it's a myth that ND people don't... I think, as you say, it just gets lost in translation, as it were.