Wondering if I'm always unpopular because I'm autistic?

[remembranceday212]

A couple of people said they thought I was autistic recently which was a total shocker.

Having looked into it a bit it does kind of make sense. I'm not going to pursue a diagnosis because frankly it's no one else's business.

I've done well at school, Uni and work, so it hasn't held me back as such.

But the bit I'm not coping with is just not fitting in with any group, and not 'getting it'.

I just never get what people are talking about in groups- and need things explained to me really clearly before I get it. By which point the conversation has died or completely moved on.

Just feeling sorry for myself really. Just feel really lonely, and would love to be included. I come across as really friendly, but after a short while people move away from me.

Oh I didn't know about that- thank you!

ThNks @CoffeeCantata, this is so me:

"I am trying to be helpful here! I think what they both need to do is to chill out more in group conversations - just smile and nod sometimes, rather than feeling they need to understand everything that's being said and every name which is mentioned. They seem unable to just sit back and let it flow over them, if you know what I mean, and not to take every remark quite so seriously. I appreciate that this isn't easy for them - but if I had to analyse what goes wrong for them, that's what I'd say."

The only thing is I do try and sit back a lot- but then I'm 100% not participating in anything, and everything moves on without me- as a mute individual who doesn't interact.

Can't get it right really- I guess I should accept I don't do well in group settings and focus on other things.

I have an assessment at the being of December. I don’t really have friends/ am not popular. I don’t really mind as I don’t have time for it as I become overloaded.
the reason I want an assessment is to get more reasonable adjustments at work. I unofficially have some. I will get job done but sometimes I need a bit of time out in the middle of the day centre, I have a bigger caseload than most other people at my level so it’s not that I can’t do my job.

The timekeeping and the sensitivity can be really hard to deal with!

RSD affects both people with ASD and people with ADHD and having that in common can be really hard. I quite often read too much into something and am convinced that the other person hates me. When you have a misunderstanding between two people and they both think the other person hates them... It's just hard for someone to go first and clear things up.

I have some really good NT friends who don't put up with any of that ridiculous overthinking and will call things out when I've overreacted and reassure me that everything is actually OK and we're still mates. I need that from them, and they're very good about it.

I wish I didn't struggle with timekeeping so much, but I do. The only way around it is to wildly overcompensate, which is hideously stressful and involves getting up many hours earlier than I need to. The sheer effort of getting to work on time means I rarely have enough energy to overcompensate for non-work things. It's not because I don't like or respect other people - I'm just at capacity.

I don't knowingly know anyone who is AuDHD, but there are loads of them. I'd wager they can better co-exist with all types of people. I think classic ASD-only and classic ADHD-only make for a tougher pair to match.

A couple of great posts from @BertieBotts on pages 3 and 4.
Really helpful explanations.

It's helped me to see conversations more like a dance. So rather than ask all about colleagues' children you could try asking one thing and then relate their answer back to your DC. Otherwise it's a bit like an interview rather than a convo (I realise I have to watch out for doing this).

I'm autistic (diagnosed this year at age 40). My daughter was diagnosed aged 7 in 2017, and that's what made the penny drop with me. I also had comments from her Dr.

It hasn't held me back at all, and it's such a deficit and ablist view to think of autism that way. Some autistic people have learning difficulties (like my daughter) and others don't. Autistic people all have quite different profiles, and need help with different things. For me, as an autistic woman, a lifetime of masking made me very anxious and often burn out. Recognising that I'm autistic has helped me to be able to accept my differences and why I don't "fit in," whilst giving me permission to stop masking so much. I hope you can find that acceptance too, and I encourage you to consider an assessment as it could well help.

I think neurotypical people like platitudes and having what they’ve just said acknowledged.
So if they tell you they were up all night with a crying baby, you have a mildly concerned face and say, “you must be so tired” etc.
They're not always that interested in your story that mirrors theirs but if it’s told relatively briefly then it can be just part of the to and fro of the conversation.

That's not a platitude, though. It's expressing the normal concern of a friend, and exercising enough theory of mind to enter into someone else's probable mental state.

I think neurotypical people like platitudes and having what they’ve just said acknowledged.

I agree in the sense that autistic people (my daughter, for eg) might find it difficult to 'get' light-hearted, superficial chat. She is always very earnest and takes every remark seriously. Sometimes it's just silly, enjoyable nonsense, and I know she's told me that she finds that difficult to navigate.

I’d look at socialising with different people. Eg volunteering with scouts or guides has lots of adult volunteers I’d suspect are on spectrum. It can come with an adult only social life too - guide leaders have 18-30 inspire or trefoil guild. Perhaps more rigid structure helps too.

It's the opposite in my experience. That's how I used to have conversations. They share something with me. I share something with them in return. I thought that was how you bond with people. Nope. If you do that, most NT people think you're self-centred and turn every conversation into being about you. It's safer to show interest in other people and wait for them to show interest in you. But you'll find many NT don't because, ironically, they're only interested in talking about themselves. Hence why they see you sharing about yourself as taking attention away from them.

This is a very ND way of conversing though. Many (most) ND people don't interpret it in a negative way. It's just reciprocal sharing of lives.

Ha @Easipeelerie that struck a chord with me as strangely I always seem to have a story that mirrors theirs every time! I've actually tried to cut down on saying them so much- but then the bit I don't get (and probably never will) is when NT people chime in with their story- I always think why is it ok now for them to say that.

Such a minefield 🤯

Ahh I actually am a scout and guide leader- and for some reason DP really doesn't like it.

I think he thinks it marks me out as odd.

But I actually quite like doing activities etc.

@HollyKnight so basically I've been in my job for 1.5 years and no one has asked me once about my children, partner, holiday, or anything. Despite talking at length all day to each other about those topics.

It's making me quite angry, and dejected, because it is actually very rude. And I don't have any more strategies up my sleeve than being completely silent the entire time!

It's because they don't care but they don't have the manners to pretend they care. It is said that ND people lack social skills and social awareness, but those things aren't exclusive to ND people. A lot of NT lack them too. Either they genuinely think they are that interesting to talk to, or they just haven't been taught that it is rude to only talk about yourself all day.

There isn't much you can do about other people's deficiencies. Just be proud of yourself that despite having a social communication disability you still have better manners than supposedly "normal" people.

But no one needs to invite you to volunteer information about your children, partner or holiday! It would be perfectly normal to join in a general conversation without a formal invitation to speak.

Thanks @HollyKnight, saying the reason they haven't asked is because they don't care makes so much sense! And strangely makes me feel better.

It's like that episode in sex and the city where they say'He's just not that into you' and Miranda feels happy about actually knowing the truth!

Hi @Euphonious, yes I have been forcing myself on these people by volunteering info about my kids or holidays etc, after they've spoken about theirs etc. it's just that after that length of time, no one has ever asked me a follow up question or enquired in any way about my life.

They will answer my questions about them, but then move away and end of convo.

But you said quite a lot at the start of the thread about your difficulties in holding conversations, how you either want to understand every little thing that's being said by having it explained to you before you can let the conversation move on, or you come back with a 'mirroring story' in possibly inappropriate circumstances, or you sit mute -- I assume this may also make you difficult to have a conversation with, potentially?

I'm not necessarily going to risk asking a follow-up question of who struggles conversationally in case it elicits, as in the case of one autistic family member, a 15-minute monologue about whatever it was, from a person who is unable to read boredom/discomfort cues. My autistic godson, whom I adore, used to struggle with figurative language, and would get very uneasy if anyone used a metaphor he didn't understand, and would ask to have it explained.

In both cases, these were people I was very fond of and prepared to engage with, but the situation you're describing is in your workplace, not with people you're close to. If someone is also trying to get on with work, it's difficult to balance that with engaging with someone who's conversationally difficult.

@Euphonious ah yes, you're probably right - still hurts though 😔

I don't mean it harshly. Realistically, though, if you want to engage in some workplace chitchat, you need to learn the 'rules', which does mean masking to an extent. Though my godson put a lot of intellectual effort into figuring out the rules in his teens, and has had a far better and more sociable time at university than anyone, including him, expected, as a result. His mum and I would role play with him and perform body language for 'I'm interested tell me more' or 'I'm bored you've been talking too long' etc.

Obviously, it's up to you whether you feel this is worth it.

Sorry, unintentional strike-through.

This is a really helpful thread. I am the same. The primary school gate was especially challenging for me.

I understand what you’re saying completely. I’ve often thought it was my bluntness or inability to enjoy (or at least fake enjoy) small talk. To some people, your differences will be loved.

Find your people, they’re out there. These are not your people.