To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

How old is your son?

That sounds horrifically hard to deal with and it seems very understandable that you may have to look at that option to keep your other children and yourself safe. I’m sorry you are having to deal with such a difficult decision.

No, YANBU. What you are enduring has been recognized as abuse. You need to protect yourselves and your younger children.

Sounds like no one else ( foster carers ) would safely be able to manage him.
Nor would it be fair to expect them to incur injuries.
Are there secure units that could manage him?
He doesn’t sound safe to be around.

Please investigate the care route. You, your husband and your children are important too. It's the needs of four of you weighted against the needs of one of you.

I hope im not offending you or anybody else going through something like this.

How old is your son? And how old are the other children?

Depends how old he is but older children especially can be very happy and well cared for in residential settings. It may even be better for him if being at home is causing him to feel overwhelmed? I know many children thriving in a residential living with weekends at home or visits home in education term holidays.

Sending love to you. It's tough.

YANBU.

Living apart will not guarantee safety for the person living with him.

Look into the care option.

This OP.
You've done all you can, don't let guilt keep you and your other children living in fear and danger.

I think if social services are saying the situation is abusive and a safeguarding concern then something has to change. You sound like you love all your children very much and that a residential placement for your eldest may be the most loving thing to do right now.

Could boarding school be an option for your eldest? Specialist school that suits his needs I mean, not random boarding school.

My dear late SIL had this situation and my nephew went into care as a teen. Hormones made him very violent and it was the best answer all round. for him, too.
I wish you well OP

I don’t think you need to feel guilt or worry about others’ judgement of you. It’s a hugely difficult situation, more than any of us can imagine who haven’t been through it, and you have to think of what’s best for everyone in your family unit.

Like others have said I think it might be safer if he were offered a residential home assessment, you cannot afford to keep two homes, you cannot guarantee anyones safety and this will not improve, whoever is at home with him will be at risk. He may thrive in a residential setting with people who are there to understand his needs and you'll all be happier knowing he is safe and being cared for.

Have you seen a specialist OT OP, I think a residential school for a child of his needs is a far better option than putting him in the care system.

You have my sympathy. We had a brush with this with our eldest. We had to go zero demand to reduce the stress and to stop the violence and by that I mean zero.

He did eventually recover and the violence stopped and has not returned.

Medication helped him.

Your younger children need to come first, their safety is paramount.
You’ve done all you can for your son, more than a lot of people would have tolerated too.
Its time he received help elsewhere so the rest of your family can thrive. You need to let him go with no guilt, knowing that you have done all you could for him.
It sounds very hard.

Has he recently been assessed by a child psychiatrist? Autism very often comes alongside other neurodevelopmental conditions. ADHD, for example, could cause issues with impulse control and anxiety/overthinking leading to aggressive outbursts. If something like that is the case then medication could be a total game changer.

Dont put him in care. Run two households for the timebeing. Surely theres support for this out there if SS are in agreement. If he goes into “care” god knows what will happen to him. As you said- theres a scared little boy in there. What about channelling his interest in sport/fitness to do a sports coaching qualification?

how old is he?

residential school provision or residential college provision maybe the way forward? All year round or term time or school days only with home visits weekends. It maybe safer for him to remain in the provision and for you to visit him at weekends?

@ShabbaRankz putting someone into care isn't locking them up in prison. He would have a key worker who could set up a personal development plan for him, to set goals and support him in achieving them. He would be surrounded by teams of people trained to manage his outbursts. It's not the 1950's and may well be the best outcome for OP, her son and the rest of the family.

I’d vote putting him into care. it isn’t realistic for members of your family to have to experience physical violence/battering, nor is it fair for your other children. The idea about two residences also makes things unnecessarily difficult for you.

You sound like great parents and I think if SS are telling you this as well then listen to them, it might be the best thing for you all temporarily or as needed and better than living apart without the support of the other parent and protecting your other two children from developing issues later on.

My experience has been positive with residential care linked to an educational provision. A known team around the teen , very caring and lots of home-provision communication and visits

He is only 8, he is so young and I want him to feel loved and secure. Surely putting him into care or residential boarding won't make him feel loved at all.

But I also know our other 2, who are 1 and 4, are not feeling safe. I spent last night walking around a supermarket with the other 2 children until late, as place to go to keep warm and away from our eldest. Our 4 year old told me, last night, as we drove the supermarket, that his heart hurts with how scared he is at home.

The other option is some respite weekly