To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

He has high care needs @ShabbaRankz with his PDA profile, he needs very specific care that includes low to no demands. He isn't even being accepted into schools because none can accommodate his level of needs.

Put him into care. Please.

This is horrid OP. I had a similar situation with my son when he was 10. All I can suggest is to back off trying to educate him at all at the moment to see if that eases the violent outburst.

See Speech and Language therapy too as it could be that he can't communicate what the problem is.

My son had a period of time with no education whilst he healed from the school based trauma. His violent outburst stopped and we gently then engaged in education after he was better from the trauma.

He is now 18 and at university. He cant really remember what happened when he was younger now.

At 1 and 4 they don't stand a chance. There is no way I would keep them together, especially not after that comment from the 4 year old. I get that you want the 8 year old to feel loved, but you are going to have to do your best from a distance.

What's the alternative? You can't spend the cold and evenings deliberately keeping yourself and your babies away from him. Who don't you visit some residential homes, no one is happy or safe at the moment.

Wow only 8? I thought you were going to say 14 or something. Is it safe to be doing pull ups and deadlifts at that age?
Your poor younger DC though feeling frightened. They didn’t ask for this (nor did you obviously). I would do it. It’s very sad but you have to act in the interests of the children who are currently being abused. If he’s like this at 8 it will get worse and worse and worse.

We are completely following low demand parenting with no expectations on learning @lifeturnsonadime already. This is positive to hear that things turned around for your son, this gives me hope

Have they given any time scales, because it's not really a simple process ,for a residential school ,and it can all take a lot of time and the school would have to agree it can meet its needs

YANBU. You are also not the only people ever to have made this decision, and it is the right one. My DH used to work in a secure unit and encountered other people who had experienced this. You need to protect your other children.

Eight?
a child of 8 shouldn’t be weight lifting!
I thought you were describing a 16 yr old.

If he is this much of a threat at 8, what will happen at teen years when testosterone rushes in?
I’d seriously consider meds.

The update about your little boy is heartbreaking. So is the thought of putting your 8 year old into care.

I am so, so sorry that you’re facing this. I’ve worked in a residential setting for children in care and my advice would be to go for two separate households if you possibly can. The outcomes for children in care are not good, and he is likely to end up in a supported accommodation service when he’s older as it doesn’t sound like he would do well in a foster placement. There are no “specially trained” staff in a generic supported accommodation service, there are support workers but that’s all. If he is deemed too high need he will be moved from service to service. I am not saying care shouldn’t be an option, in this case I really think it should but explore other options first. Have social services given you any advice other than to say it’s a safeguarding issue?

So sorry you are in this position.

I know it’s easy for me to say, but I think I would have to choose the care route so that the other children are safe. 💐

Yes we can't believe it.

We found an amazing, supportive teacher who helped us get him back, at his pace on the road to education.

He spent almost a year confined pretty much 100% to his room. We took food upstairs, it was all he cope with.

He had to recover first.

Op my heart is breaking for you and your family. But you need to get the 8 year old away from the younger ones, it's not fair to bring them up like this and will have life long consequences.

Can you modify your home at all? With lockable doors to keep them apart?

Your younger children need to feel safe in their home.

How long since he was at school, OP? Or more importantly, how long since the school trauma?
From your opening post, I had assumed a much older child. I think my answer might be different depending on how long he's had to try to recover.

I also agree with the poster suggesting a break from learning altogether for a while if that's what he needs.

Apart from help/ parenting courses you've paid for, what if any help are you getting from your LA?

If he doesn’t go into care, the younger ones should. They should not be feeling scared in their own home ffs.

My only thoughts, aside from sympathy to your situation, is if you relinquish one child to the care system could it put your other child at risk of social services deeming you poor parents? I’d really want to be sure your other children wouldn’t be put on a register

On one level i don't feel qualified to comment, but your situation is so difficult I am commenting only in the hope it may be some help - please ignore if it isn't.

My sister is a teacher in a school for children with a range of complex issues - some are boarders, some are day pupils. It is a mixture of private and local authority funded. It is expensive, but if social services are talking about care, a school that can cater to his complex needs may be worth trying first. Some of the pupils are social service referrals, due to them not being able to accommodate the young people in mainstream schools. Their emotional and psychological needs are often complex. There are care workers as well as teachers, but the teachers are all qualified so the children can receive a proper education. It is well worth looking into such schools - some of the boarders are from many miles away.

It's a big decision to make.......but in all honesty the hardest ones are usually the right ones.

I know many dc who have Autism running alongside PDA and residential has been the making of them. There hasn't been one who hasn't thrived. It breaks that pattern of abuse, it gives them space to develop as the person they'll be when they're adults.

It goes against all of Our instincts as parents but it's also the right thing for them. It also clears that path so that when he is home (( and he will be home a lot during weekends and school holidays )) that time you have with him is a lot more positive. Its actual quality time. And it will be something he probably isn't getting right now as you're juggling so many things trying to keep afloat and your other children safe.

Also, I wonder how many of the 'your other children need to be safe' posters have kids with additional needs?

I know ALL of the children need to be kept safe.

The one with additional needs isn't left deserving. He doesn't need punishing.

He's injuring a one year old. It's not about "punishment".

All of the children need to be kept safe. The best way to do it is to meet the 8 year old child's needs.

I have absolutely no experience in this so won't dare to advise, but you sound so strong and resilient despite the hardship you are going through. Xxx

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

I was the one being viciously attacked daily and it's scarred me for life (psychologically). It only ended at 16 when the police were involved and there was a court case. I'll never forgive my mother for allowing it to continue. Please protect your other children.