To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

CAMHS have already pushed us into Autism Outreach Service but they don't seem to actually do anything.

@Crumplesock

Were you able to consider trying to see Isobel Heyman, Crumplesock?

She sees children in Cambridge as well as London, to the best of my knowledge.

https://gosh.ae/consultants/professor-isobel-heyman

Not appropriate for us as we can't safely get him there unfortunately

It just seems like you're being pushed from pillar to post and nobody from any of these teams wants to take ultimate responsibility and put measures in place. It's unbelievable.

Have you been given any advice as to what your next steps are or are they just all fobbing you off at this point?

Well SEND team manager said that it's my own fault I have an ASD child and that there's nothing they need to do to help support us, it's my own fault he is unable to attend school because it's my fault he has ASD (yes, I have this in writing and yes I've raised a formal complaint).

Social Care have said its not their duty to do anything because they've closed our family's case as we are a typical family with no identified risks.

School are just completely refusing to engage with us at all and have said all must go through SEND Manager.

CAHMS have attempted to do what they can, they're there for phone calls at least I guess. But they said ASD isn't their remit so referred to Autism Outreach Service.

Autism Outreach Service appear to be just an advocate Service but she's not actually got involved in anything despite me copying her into everything and asking for support.

I have raised complaint to Director of the LA, that's been totally ignored.

I have got 3 complaints in with the Ombudsman as ECC complaints just keep spouting out gaslighting responses to my complaints.

I'm not in England so I'm not sure what the process is, but do you have an equivalent of TAF (team around the family) where all services are brought together to discuss a child?

Agreed. Do this, it is the only sustainable option at this point. Be firm.

The latter part of that I mean, getting the EHCP is the least of your worries.

Do not be dissuaded; he will be placed in a one-to-one foster placement (FC get additional money, DS gets one-to-one attention, no other children in the home).

Social work don’t have 1:1 foster placements sitting around - there’s a huge dearth of foster placements for children who really need them for protection purposes. The reality is social work will resist a S20 as far as possible for many reasons, not least because they don’t have places or funding. They’ll offer different types of support - parenting classes, family support worker etc long before they’ll accept him into foster care.

There really is very little support for parents of kids with SEN, being passed from pillar to post is pretty much par for the course unless and until the family reach a real crisis point - by which I mean someone is injured. In the meantime parents are not so subtly blamed for their child’s difficulties and given hugely conflicting advice about what they should do.

@Crumplesock what do you think would help? If you can be very specific (eg particular education environment, particular therapies etc) that can help in that you can focus your efforts on arguing for that thing. Saying you need help, but don’t know what leaves the various agencies to pass the buck between them.

Stand very firm, drop him at their offices at 9am with an overnight bag if needed, and tell them you are leaving because his is too dangerous to have in the home. Then they will listen.

Do not do this in all likelihood they will call the police who will possibly charge you with child neglect and abandonment and this will have implications for your other children. Both SS and police will insist that you exercise your PR and will return him home - more traumatised than he already is.

Getting the help you need is very difficult but there is plenty of good advice on her by way of tribunals etc that you can use better than leaving him in an office.

Actually, there's an element of not giving them an inch, to get some action. This is probably the most hardcore approach, but it does happen in Paeds ED so certainly possibly.

s20 gives LAs the authority to take children into care but it does not mean that parents can simply request it when they are in dire straits . The situation must meet LA criteria and there must be suitable foster/residential accommodation available

A duty to provide care arises in circumstances where there the parent cannot provide safe and suitable accommodation. The OP may feel she meets the criteria and that’s what needs to be established but it’s likely to be a long process

yes parents absolutely can request it and soc services have to look after the child if parents request a sec 20 care order.
They will tell.you that they don't have to.and will threaten to.prosecute you for abandonment but this is all to get you to back down.

So OP if you want your child accommodated under section 20 request it and stand firm. and I would even look at getting a specialist lawyer if you can to back you up .
But it is true there are v few Foster carers out there with vacancies and even less with the necessary skills and commitment to provide good care for such a complex young man.
And I would absolutely complain yo any and everybody you can because you have been treated appealingly.

This
And this is the problem when posters advise just to" relinquish care "
There are thousands of families up and down the country struggling with disabled children and not getting the help thru need
Whst would happen if we all just decided to relinquish care?

Yes I know. I did it in the end but was a very long process

I actually sent a S20 today but it was refused bi social saying criteria not met. Despite me quoting how we do.

I have been specific too in asking for help, I even produced a draft Early Help plan and shared that with those who aren't meant to be the TAF members but all refused to acknowledge it and the the SEND Manager stated that I am not allowed to request a TAF, only he can organise one

Do feel like we are just drowning and I can't help but think how bad the glass situation could have been for our 1 year old. My hand is badly cut from protecting her

I'm so sorry. Xx
It appears to me that none of these services witness your child's negative behaviour. That you may get somewhere/be taken more seriously if 3rd parties actually witness it. Eg the police. I know it sounds brutal but have you considered calling the police when he's violent, gone to A and E or to the Dr's with your injuries. Got your other children's school involved with safeguarding concerns.
These issues appear to be very contained to your house hold, I think you need more evidence of what things are really like ...
Unfortunately.

Yes police have been called and have logged the incidents. Police actually helped push the CAMHS referral

You seem to be doing so well pushing this in front of so many people and no one is listening to you 😠

I work for an LA too and have read your thread. Forgive me @Crumplesock if you have already done this but following no response from the Director of CYPS have you involved your local councillor and/MP.

i just know how we are made to jump when a councillor/MP is involved.

Yes have contacted MP and councillors

I have no useful advice @Crumplesock but fucking hell, it sounds like you couldn't do anything more and are being let down on every single front. It's disgraceful, I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately what happens when Priti Patel is your MP and have Essex as a LA