To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

It’s not always possible to protect the younger children though. I was a younger sibling. It was traumatic.

It is. The state has a duty to safeguard children and that includes children beyond parental control.

There are enhanced professional foster carers that can take on younger children with difficulties, above what might be considered normal behaviour. Contact your local social services.

Thankfully, you are wrong.

Yes but that's the questions the ones of us who have been through this are asking the OP.

It is not at all clear that he is having the appropriate support.

Rather than rushing to banish him into care it is possible to see if they can get respite or try to keep the children separate whilst looking at whether other strategies might work.

I can 100% hand on heart tell you that my 18 year old would be dead if he had been put into care as a response to his trauma.

I am not talking about allowing the younger children grow up with a life time of violence I'm talking about looking at whether strategies work. This might be genuine zero demand. It might be medication, my child responded to sertraline, it's not licenced for u18s but a clinical psychologist can prescribe it. Respite would be an option. Are grand parents able to help?

OP, this sounds incredibly hard.

In an absolutely no-win situation, I think you have to go for the greatest good for the greatest number. Your other children (and as he grows, you and DH) are in danger.

I hope you are able to access therapy to come to terms with your impossible choice.

Agree with @Jellycatspyjamas. I support young people with SN in a residential care home. We would absolutely love and care for your DS and you and other family members would be actively encouraged to maintain contact at a level you felt comfortable with. My DS2 has to move to residential care because he was targeting his 2 younger brothers. Hence I have experience of both sides.

Working alongside Social Services, we'd aim to find a suitable educational placement for your DS. Some of our young people have been educated in the home, with teachers visiting, &/or teaching them via Teams. A residential school might be preferable if your DS would struggle with the transition from a residential home to a residential school. Having both on the same site relieves the anxiety of some young people.
The charity I work for promises support for life, but a large part of our work is teaching independence. If there is the possibility for a young person to return to their family, we also facilitate that. If you have any questions about residential care, feel free to ask me via this thread.

Lol no!
Firstly she can't just 'relinquish' her child into care. It's not like in America where you can leave babies in boxes. Social services will not just find a placement for him. Residential care for this child would be thousands a week and placements are very rare. They are needed for children who don't have safe caring parents. Secondly social workers aren't bloody idiots. Nobody would look at parents struggling to care for an aggressive autistic child who is hurting his siblings and think 'oh yes shit parents let's punish them a bit' 🙄

I have no advice OP, just sympathy.
I also have a PDA child and for most of last year had bruises on bruises from the violent outbursts.
Thankfully the extreme low demand seems to be helping for us (at the moment anyway) and the violence is much reduced but the anger is still right under the surface and every day feels like walking on eggshells.
I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult situation.

Can I ask if he's medicated? My ds1 (asd and ld)was injuring myself and dh, then my elderly mum and was so worried about keeping us all safe. We were having a lot of support from various services too.Medication prescribed by the psychiatrist has been incredibly helpful with his anxiety and irritability. Personally, I would consider 2 homes before I considered care or some sort of halfway solution. Is there a relative who can provide respite for you eg you and siblings stay with the relative? Is there a way of sectioning your home securely, so the children have separate spaces? Desperate times really do call for serious measures. My friend with a similar db had a lock on her bedroom door from a very young age.With the greatest possible respect I'd be taking away the chin up bar and weights, if that's possible. The change in my ds1 is remarkable now he's an adult, there honestly is hope.

You do realise there are foster carers who are trained and experienced in this exact thing? And it would be different to being at home because I’m sure they would place him with carers who don’t have any other kids there.
It honestly looks like you just typed what came straight into your head without any thought or research into it.

Yes I know that and I"m sorry you had to experience that it must have been terrifying.

But putting a child into care should be a last resort. I'm not sure that OP has tried everything or got the right strategies in place

'Reclaim your life'
'no brainer'
the only no brainer is you for coming out with such vile statements. She can't just 'reclaim her life' this is her child who a) she loves and b) is her responsibility. And a no brainer? Jesus H Christ. How insensitive can one person be.

I think in this situation residential care for your oldest is kindest for him and for the rest of you. There he will be safe from harming anyone or being retaliated against after harming someone. You were delta difficult cards and you need to think what's best for everyone. Sending hugs because it's so difficult. It happened in my family. Sadly too late after my cousin beat her mother badly.

This is awful but you have to protect yourself and the younger ones.

By the time he reaches teenage size he could kill you. It really is that simple.

It really isn't that simple. Several posters are asking what else is being provided, whether medication is being used. It's not as black and white as that.

No it doesn't

Why?

I suggested living separately urgently to protect the children.

They need to feel safe.

Imagine living with a bully you cannot escape from.

There is no foster care option for children with that profile, certainly around me. So it would presumably be a home of some kind.

There may well be private / independent special residential schools that suit PDA. I know of a couple. I would research into this.

I’m so sorry for your awful situation.

My DH was the other sibling. He was, and is, scarred by living with a violent autistic older sibling. It escalated and impacted every aspect of his life. My DH and his sister were sent away for their own safety, and the sibling turned on his parents, eventually going to a residential school where actually he was happy.

My DH reflects that he never had a normal upbringing or relationship with his parents as a result. And the whole household revolves around the sibling, his whims and wants. Constant eggshells.

I don’t have a solution but wanted to share another perspective.

I think this is better on the SEN boards than AIBU.

It is nonsense that an 8 year old who is exhibiting a violent response to trauma will be a violent teenage who might kill people.

Threads like these are really upsetting both for SEN parents who've been through it and for adults who have grown up with sibling violence.

Yeah, I’m sure no one had thought of medication 🤷

You come from it from another perspective.

It is sometimes possible to keep all children safe without putting the traumatised child into care. I'm sorry your parents didn't achieve that for you

If your other 2 very small children are unsafe then you have no choice. This is not a situation that can continue, as Social Services have rightly identified. Please chase them up and stress the urgency.