DH family ruined my wedding

[Twinky1985]

My dh is close with his family, which is great but his two db's and mum ( my mil) always take over everything and have to be centre of attention and it pisses me off!
Even on our wedding day!

Examples include, on the morning of our wedding my mil had approached my dad and asked if he thought me and dh should be getting married (my dad told me later)

My dh had both brothers as his best men so they did the speech together, which was basically 10 mins of talking about my dh ex wife (she passed away) and very little about me and dh.

During my dh speech he presented my mum with a bouquet of flowers as she had contributed financially to our wedding, also my auntie as she had made the cake free of charge...and his mum, even though she did nothing, and she stands up and starts stating how she was glad to help!

During mine and dh first dance the two db's thought it was hilarious to burst onto the dance floor with us and start taking the piss out of us by swinging each other round and groping each other (which we weren't it was a lovely slow dance, which we were just dancing to) because of this all the videos were of these two clowns instead and me and my new husband.

AIBU to be pissed off by this?

@RunningOutOfImaginitiveUsernames
I could refer to my first husband as my ex-wife - the OPs DH isn't referring to his first wife as a different gender so this is irreverent.
In what way is it irreverent?

We don't know the context.

Whatever!!🙄

It wouldn't have ruined my day either, but I would have been annoyed. The MIL's comment was horrible and it would make me keep my distance.

As a guest I would have found the BIL's behaviour boorish.

I have been married for 24 years. I have spent no more than 3 hours watching our wedding video. None of that in the last 20.

The point of a marriage is commitment. The point of a wedding is to publicly share that.

This reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It’s the merging of families. Both sides have different traditions. His parents just went with it. And seemed part of the collective family in sequels later. I know it’s a movie series but it’s something everyone knows about. The parents didn’t not have to fundamentally change. They didn’t have to spit like the others either or even like that. But they didn’t whine about how that ruined their son’s wedding. They saw he was happy with her. So they were happy. You can’t choose the personalities of every relative in the family you marry into.

People join after the bride and groom start dancing. Immediate family which they were. At my brother in laws wedding her side made a human pyramid on the dance floor. Not everyone does things the same. It’s okay. You seem less upset about their getting in your personal space and more upset someone paid attention to them and took their eyes off you and your husband. Even if it was bad etiquette you had. 50, 100, 150 at your wedding. The larger the wedding the more likely someone at some point with make a social mistake. This is not Bridgerton I hope.

One adult guest was goofy at our wedding. Bar was instructed to cut him off. He was a date of a cousin. I think in all fairness he was trying to hard to do what was expected around unfamiliar people and fell apart. And two kids ran around too much. There were 140 ish people there. 3 people isn’t bad. We didn’t do a receiving line. Not enough time. I’m sure some guest would be judgey about that in describing the wedding they just attended for maybe a week and then forgot all about it. Sometimes the bride and groom fail to live up to standards. I think we forgot to give out moms a flower during the mass. Or was that my sisters wedding? Just handed it to them before walking back down the aisle. You mostly remember the odd stuff that happens at these things.

OP has said she didn't mind the ex/late wife being mentioned - just that a 10-minute eulogy to the woman wasn't what she (or probably anyone else there) expected at her wedding.

She's also said she didn't mind the MIL getting flowers - what she minded was the MIL then making out to everyone that she'd helped when she hadn't.

@Playingintheshadow - I'm sorry, what other posts of yours have I picked apart? Or was that hyperbole?

I've disagreed with that one post of yours because, well I fundamentally disagree. I actually do think it's disrespectful to the widower and any existing children to refer to a deceased spouse/potentially parent/family member, as baggage. That term is usually reserved for ex partners/spouses in the true sense of the word.

As I said before, I am a (quite recent, young) widow, I only ever refer to my darling and most cherished DH as my late DH, sometimes just my DH still, but I can absolutely guarantee that if he had any inkling of anything I say these days, whether it were to be ex-husband, The First Mr WhereTheFuck, that cantankerous sod (said affectionately), or any other moniker that I chose to give him, he would not find it the least bit disrespectful, because he would know (from the ether ), that whatever I said would just be getting me from minute to minute, day to day, in whatever mood or place I was in on that day, and that no malice would ever be meant by it. He would just be happy that I was (one day, eventually) happy.

I can think of a few reasons the late spouse may be briefly mentioned... "The Late Jilly would have been so happy to see little Jonny and Janey becoming part of a loving union on their Dad and B's wonderful day. She would be thrilled to witness BG find true love again with his beautiful B, and as such she will always be remembered and missed."

If any non existent hypothetical new spouse of mine was LIVID that my late DH was given a small mention like that, essentially for my kids, I'm not sure the marriage would last very long at all. (In fact if I knew that's how he felt beforehand, there just wouldn't be a wedding).

Well, why is the OP getting it then? It should be her DH. But everyone is having a go at her for respecting her DH wishes and naturally being upset that people did not make her wedding about her and her DH. Just because someone has been married before doesn't mean this marriage should be any less important. and the marriage starts with the wedding.

We will just agree to disagree. It's fine to have our different opinions.

Maybe because the OP's DH isn't actually on here, at a wild guess??

What is it with all these wedding speech/wedding contribution/MIL spoiling the wedding posts at the moment? There are loads of them.

How long ago did you get married OP?

I echo the "avoid as much as possible".
YANBU at all, OP. I'm sorry 🙏

Clearly a typo - irrelevant. With smart phones auto correcting typos I would have thought most people could read through them when they are provided with context.

Neither are anyone elses DH when they post, doesn't stop people commenting on them while not attacking the poster.

The speech and the dance. Those are major issues!

Dead wife-maybe a brief mention but actually not appropriate at all in my view.

Grown ups see the bigger picture...

So in case this helps in future. A nice memory isn’t dictated by screen time or footage or what can be posted.

many many many people have wonderful memories of events that aren’t videoed including weddings.

Your perspective is skewed because you just didn’t get exactly what you wanted.

@RunningOutOfImaginitiveUsernames , you used a word that wasn't incorrect in its context, but you expect me to substitute that word with the word you meant.
Our DC and I would be disgusted and hurt if someone referred to the late Mr Scorner as my ex-husband. He was my first husband or my late husband.

Completely moot point because in this case the dj didn’t ask people to join the couple nor were the brothers dancing they were pissing around.

IMO someone (MIL, FIL or the brothers partners if they have them) should have stopped this. But it doesn’t sound like her in laws like her too much anyway.

I assumed you would have known which word I meant given you questioned my use of irreverent, so thought you were deliberately being pedantic (as your user name suggests). My apologies.

And I understand that's how you and your DC may feel, but the spouse in question here doesn't feel the same. Your feelings do not trump someone else's. Be outraged all you like, maybe her DH will be outraged he's not allowed to have dealt with his grief the way HE likes.

Is this 1984 Orwell where everyone obeys the voice of the speaker? I would not expect the DJ to say anything of instruction after the couple start dancing. Once they start it’s fair game for others. She is spending more time upset than time she would spend watching the most Instagram worthy reception video.

Ex is former relationship that ended. Late is a person who died. He was widowed. He has a late wife unless he divorced before she died. Everyone is upset at the notion his siblings broke protocol. He is breaking protocol. The wife should use the husband’s language on the rare occasion they discuss her of course. But it just shows not only his brothers quirky so is her husband. So is she. The world is full of quirky people.

Yes life is full of not getting exactly what you want.

You’re not being unreasonable to expect that a wedding speech doesn’t bang on about a former wife or for your first dance to not be interrupted (UNTIL you invite people onto the dance floor, that clearly did not happen here.)

The brothers sound like complete oafs.