DH family ruined my wedding

[Twinky1985]

My dh is close with his family, which is great but his two db's and mum ( my mil) always take over everything and have to be centre of attention and it pisses me off!
Even on our wedding day!

Examples include, on the morning of our wedding my mil had approached my dad and asked if he thought me and dh should be getting married (my dad told me later)

My dh had both brothers as his best men so they did the speech together, which was basically 10 mins of talking about my dh ex wife (she passed away) and very little about me and dh.

During my dh speech he presented my mum with a bouquet of flowers as she had contributed financially to our wedding, also my auntie as she had made the cake free of charge...and his mum, even though she did nothing, and she stands up and starts stating how she was glad to help!

During mine and dh first dance the two db's thought it was hilarious to burst onto the dance floor with us and start taking the piss out of us by swinging each other round and groping each other (which we weren't it was a lovely slow dance, which we were just dancing to) because of this all the videos were of these two clowns instead and me and my new husband.

AIBU to be pissed off by this?

Sounds like your MIL's concerns were spot on when she asked your Dad if you should be getting married.
Your DH may be lovely but basically are now tied to this weird family for the foreseeable future. Brace yourself.

Is there a backstory? Because I doubt their behaviour started on the wedding day.

My DH's aunt started a row at her table during our wedding reception because she (tbf she had been subject to DV) said that it probably wouldn't be long before he started hitting me... My dad was a shy, quiet man and most likely wouldn't have gone to our wedding at all if we had insisted on him making a speech. A 'friend' was heard opining that she would never have forgiven her father if he hadn't made a speech.

An elderly relative at the evening doo, sniffed over my wedding dress and snootily said, "I thought she would have been in white!"

The best man's speech was the most embarrassing speech in the history of embarrassing speeches and FIL made a stupid toast.

Did it spoil my wedding? No.

I don't even remember our first dance, and the band we hired was shite anyway.

She is no longer his wife, the OP is his wife. He feels the term late wife is to morbid - for him - the one who went through the heartbreak of losing his wife so who are you to judge?

why didnt you tell DH to control the situation - I don't think any sane person would think they had to remind grown adults not to ruin a bride and grooms first dance.

I could refer to my first husband as my ex-wife - the OPs DH isn't referring to his first wife as a different gender so this is irreverent.

Sorry you're getting so many nasty replies @Twinky1985 I'd maybe feel a fleeting irritation at the MIL when she didn't do anything but your DH would have given her flowers anyway and she probably felt she had to say something. I'm sure she's been an emotionally support to him in other ways.

I'm sure many other guests internally felt uncomfortable regarding the speech.

I'm sure there will be other videos of the dance and even if there aren't, it still happened, you both were there and there will at the very least be clip of the two of you at the start of the dance.

Which does make me wonder if they did that during the first dance at his first wedding? I'm going to guess not.

Oh. and congratulations!

Not read the full thread but can you ask and see if anyone else took a video of your first dance without the brothers in it? Weddings do seem to bring out the worst in people unfortunately

She never was his "ex wife" - it is very disrespectful, and I will judge if I wish. It's bizarre. If you have a relationship with a widower, then you have to realise that he comes with 'baggage'!

And the MIL brought her DH up, so a little acknowledgement of that is to be expected.

Must be quite the back story there - as he could say first wife and no go into divorced or died aspect.

Ex usually refers to an separation and divorce not bereavement. .

A mention at new wedding - if there were children or other relatives a short mention I'd expect - to be all about first wife would be very odd.

Well as PP say maybe it the whole moving on thing - many spouses find after bereavement families and friends can be very difficult about them moving on with new partners.

My family were difficult prior to wedding - DH were difficult on the day and day after as was his best man and wife. It was one day - and was mostly okay glad we kept costs down - also really wished we hadn't listened and gone abroad for marriage - but it was one day we were together decade before hand increasingly entwined and 20 years after.

I already said she'll have been supportive in other ways and he would be giving her flowers anyway so the OP shouldn't bother about that.

Well judge, but the fact is his first wife is no longer his wife and he doesn't like using the term 'late' which is his perogative.

DSIL's DPs refused to meet us before the wedding. The only conversation I have had with either of them was at the wedding itself when his F told me very clearly that they don't like my DD and want as little to do with her as possible because her presence in DSIL's life is interfering with their relationship with his XW. I have never told DD and I won't.

I understand where OP is coming from and I guess she now knows exactly where she stands with her ILs.

Do you both also have some justification for MIL asking Op's father on the day of wedding if op and her dh should get married?

They sound like absolute twats. How close is he with them? Will they be very involved in your lives? I cannot stand my in-laws but happily have F all to do with them as they live in another country. Do you or he have children?

Speaking to your dad saying you shuoldn't get married is weird and unkind. (unless she has real reason for concern?)

Speaking about his late wife all through the speech sounds awful, but can't help wonder if your perspective is exaggeratying this as it sounds so misjudgde and inconsiderate.

His mother accepting flowers sunds fine and normal. You sound weird objecting.

Brothers dancing sounds like normal brotherly nonsense. You sound over the top making a deal out of it.

So who knows?

Either way surely they didn't 'ruin your swedding'? There must have been lots of other great things? Like marrying the man you love?

Just seems like a bunch of people who haven’t got over the death of your DH first wife.

If there were no children involved or family members there it seems a bit odd for her to be mentioned in the best man’s speech. Just go low contact and don’t put any effort in.

I’ve only ever been to one wedding where people joined the bride and groom during the first dance and that was only because the DJ announced the bride and groom would like them to join them.

Every other wedding I’ve been to the bride and groom have the first dance and then everyone gets up (led by the wedding party) and joins them for the second dance which is also a song chosen by the bride and groom. I would never get up and “join in” the first dance. But I have manners and I’m aware not everything is about me. I guess other people lack that.

Rain and cake should not ruin the day given people who matter are nice to you on the day.

In Op's case, she was made to feel she did not matter on her wedding day, which is lot worse.

Yep you can not honor one mom/side and not the other.

Perhaps the brothers were at the one wedding in their entire lives where the DJ encouraged people to come up during the dance and join in.

It is bride and groom then immediate family like their parents can sometimes start before the first dance finishes.

In my culture you marry a person but also into the family. If my dh had brothers like you have described and got on well with them I'd have stayed well away. You've married him despite knowing what his family are like. You can of course keep your distance and perhaps they'd prefer that too buy sometimes you'll have to take one for the team and attend a family function with them theere or for xmas and other special occasions. Are you OK with that? As for the way they behaved at your wedding, it's sad that they behaved in such a way, your feelings are valid but at some point you'll have to accept it is in the pasts and move on.

@Playingintheshadow

"She never was his "ex wife" - it is very disrespectful, and I will judge if I wish. It's bizarre. If you have a relationship with a widower, then you have to realise that he comes with 'baggage'!"

If you have a relationship with a widower, then you also have to realise that it may be disrespectful to refer to said widower's "baggage" (now that is disrespectful!), as something that makes the widower feel uncomfortable, and therefore to fall in line with how he wants his deceased wife to be referred to as.

Yeah brothers were tossers and your dad shouldn't have told you that (nor should your mil have said that).

BUT your wedding wasn’t ruined. Seriously the perspective is that a wedding is between two people coming together and committing to each other. You love him, he loves you and these are now your in-laws who you had advanced warning about.

No wedding is perfect and I would suggest you focus on your new husband rather on being angry about people who have always been like this.

You don't remember the first dance but remember who said what and about snot. So OP is not wrong. She is upset now, she will move on but does not mean it does not show their attitude towards to her and this may impact her relationship with them.

It may be his prerogative but it's factually inaccurate and hugely disrespectful to his first wife. She was his wife when she died.

Under what circumstances do you mention your dead wife at your new wedding?

Absolutely none! I would be livid.

what does your husband think about their behaviour

The term "baggage" is not widely regarded as disrespectful.

Not sure why you are picking apart all of my posts?