DH family ruined my wedding

[Twinky1985]

My dh is close with his family, which is great but his two db's and mum ( my mil) always take over everything and have to be centre of attention and it pisses me off!
Even on our wedding day!

Examples include, on the morning of our wedding my mil had approached my dad and asked if he thought me and dh should be getting married (my dad told me later)

My dh had both brothers as his best men so they did the speech together, which was basically 10 mins of talking about my dh ex wife (she passed away) and very little about me and dh.

During my dh speech he presented my mum with a bouquet of flowers as she had contributed financially to our wedding, also my auntie as she had made the cake free of charge...and his mum, even though she did nothing, and she stands up and starts stating how she was glad to help!

During mine and dh first dance the two db's thought it was hilarious to burst onto the dance floor with us and start taking the piss out of us by swinging each other round and groping each other (which we weren't it was a lovely slow dance, which we were just dancing to) because of this all the videos were of these two clowns instead and me and my new husband.

AIBU to be pissed off by this?

Without context I don't really understand the conversation with your MiL and dad. Was she asking his opinion of the marriage, or was she actually saying she thought it was a bad idea? Very difficult to gauge through second hand accounts. Your DH acted in accordance with etiquette in giving his mum flowers and thanks (even if she didn't do anything) it's a tradition and courtesy of thanks for everything mum, that's often observed at weddings. The speech from the brothers sounds unbalanced. An acknowledgement to a deceased spouse is gracious in the circumstances but the focus should be on the B&G. The behaviour during the dance was appalling. Unfortunately unless your DH wants to tell them off about it after the event, there's not much you can do, other than make sure they're not given a prominent role in anything you do in future.

Anyone who says YABU needs to give their head a wobble

It sounds horrible. But you chose to get married to your DH and that unfortunately includes involving his family. I am sure you must have known the way this could have gone beforehand so why didnt you tell DH to control the situation. As much as your DH family are too blame i would suggest so are you and DH (More DH).

If you dont like the way they act, tell them. If they dont like being told, cut them out. You have one life and they arent even your blood relatives, tell them to do one.

He is being disrespectful. Ex-wife means
a woman to whom someone was formerly married, from whom they are now divorced.

Congratulations on your wedding, I hope you and your husband have many happy years together. I am sorry a couple of idiots made you feel uncomfortable, but try not to worry,I am pretty sure all your guests felt exactly the same about them as you do, and remember that they , the guests, all came to celebrate your wedding with you, which is what you all did despite the idiots confirming that they are idiots.

I know! I refuse to relieve they'd be fine with their in laws going on about their husband's late wife at their wedding. I'd be furious.

It's up to him how he refers to his dead wife ffs he's the one who grieved for her

@lasagnelle , by your definition I could refer to my first husband as my ex-wife, should I choose to do so.

Perhaps you don’t feel like this is terrible behaviour, because it is the sort of thing you would like to be part of? Just saying 🙄

Yes dear, do go and have a lie down and let the grown ups have a go.

Keep count of the users who criticise you and mark my words, they’re of the same ilk as your MIL. I would distance from them tbh

I'm amazed at the number of posters excusing the family's boorish and disprespectful behaviour.

I would have put all of this behind me except for the comment from the MIL to the OP's dad. That was absolutely not OK.

How long are you prepared to let all this trivia irritate you? The very first thing I picked up on was “my wedding”, then comes all the stuff about his Mum, his brothers. If you love your OH, concentrate on him, rather than dwelling upon irritating little things his family might have done. Life is too ruddy short to make a drama out of literally nothing, just enjoy your time and life together without over analysing every word or action. 🥱

They sound irritating and unpleasant.

Ooh, I've got here at the start of the pile-on on the OP, I always miss it! 🙄

Of course yanbu OP. As a (young) widow myself, despite the fact that I have decided that I will never remarry, of course I would expect my late husband to be mentioned in a wedding speech, as a mark of respect, and as a comfort to my children, I would be discombobulated, as I would expect my new husband to be, if an entire speech was dedicated to to him, and my new husband not mentioned. (I would also btw stop anyone in their tracks who referred to him as my ex husband, but if that was how I referred to him for some reason I couldn't take umbrage to anyone else who did).

Agree though that it is only courteous of the MOG to be presented with flowers, even if she did try to steal some glory and exaggerate her part in the organisation (but I would honestly roll my eyes at that part).

The dick move by the brothers would be halted quick smart by my friends before it became such an issue that the video of the dance was ruined, so I think I could also let that part go. I wouldn't even blame my DH for not stepping in really, because if the brothers are such dixks, then for him to do so may well have caused a chaotic scene which I certainly wouldn't have wanted (and I'm willing to bet your DH knew that only too well if their loutish behaviour is anything to go by).

MIL's comment to your father sounds mean spirited and nasty, so I'd be giving her a wide berth from now on, unless some sort of apology was forthcoming (which by the sounds of things isn't likely to happen), so she will have only herself to blame when she sees very little of me, far less of her son if he's a half decent husband, and equally as little of any grandchild(ren) who may arrive in the future. Children don't need to be involved with someone who shows that sort of negativity and disrespect to their mother. 🤷🏼‍♀️

And finally, PP are right, in that your dad should probably have put her in her place and kept that from you to save you any more upset. All in all though, unless all of the above was atrociously overboard, then it really is likely that it ruined the wedding far more for you than for your guests, while although still unfair on you, means that at least everyone else probably had a wonderful time and will hopefully remember your wedding fondly.

I hope your DH is on your side, comforts you over the whole shenanigans, and you have a wonderful happy life going forward with as little contact with his family as you desire.

Congratulations on your wedding OP 💐

You're kidding right? You're right in as much as it's their joint wedding but it's the formal start of their life together and there's no place at such an event for harking back to previous wives, alive or dead.

My mil cried literally the whole day , through the ceremony , dinner and the party. Not happy tears either, proper sobbing 🤣🤣 I could have allowed her to ruin my day but instead I thought to myself she's the one making a show of herself.

If that's what helps you get through go ahead.

So do I.

I don't think anyone is excusing it, so much as questioning whether it's really enough to ruin a wedding day, or worth giving so much headspace to.

Awful behaviour. Very selfish

That's really not normal.

It was ignorant and unkind of the brothers & MIL, OP, but it's over now.

Have the video edited as best you can, move as far away from them as possible and have a lovely (kind) life with your dh. Congratulations.

@lasagnelle, I am not the only poster who commented that using ex-wife to refer to a deceased wife is disrespectful. Your reply to me was flippant.

What does your husband say about it OP? Did he find his brothers dancing funny or disrespectful? They sound awful but I'd distance myself from them.