DH family ruined my wedding

[Twinky1985]

My dh is close with his family, which is great but his two db's and mum ( my mil) always take over everything and have to be centre of attention and it pisses me off!
Even on our wedding day!

Examples include, on the morning of our wedding my mil had approached my dad and asked if he thought me and dh should be getting married (my dad told me later)

My dh had both brothers as his best men so they did the speech together, which was basically 10 mins of talking about my dh ex wife (she passed away) and very little about me and dh.

During my dh speech he presented my mum with a bouquet of flowers as she had contributed financially to our wedding, also my auntie as she had made the cake free of charge...and his mum, even though she did nothing, and she stands up and starts stating how she was glad to help!

During mine and dh first dance the two db's thought it was hilarious to burst onto the dance floor with us and start taking the piss out of us by swinging each other round and groping each other (which we weren't it was a lovely slow dance, which we were just dancing to) because of this all the videos were of these two clowns instead and me and my new husband.

AIBU to be pissed off by this?

I don't think you can ignore the 'elephant in the room'???

YANBU

But you need to focus on the good bits about the day.

If they want to be the centre of attention then you are giving them what they want by keep thinking about it.

They sound annoying and I would encourage DH to spend quality time with them without you being there.

I was just thinking this too. The brothers are clearly childish twats, and the MIL’s comment was out-of-order - just distance yourself, your DH can see them on his own.

How does your DH feel about the day and how will his relationship with his family play out going forward?

If he was married to his then wife when she died, she's his first wife not ex-wife.
YABU.

It all sounds very embarrassing, hopefully the apple fell far away from the tree as far as your dh is concerned! The problem it, we don't get to choose our families and it does sound like their personalities are a bit main character. You'll never change them, you just have to find a way of coping, unfortunately.

I think you have a husband prob because if he was standing his ground they would not behave like that.

How awful of you to describe his first wife, who died I assume whilst they were actually married, as an ex wife.
And perhaps his mother rightly had concerns that he was marrying too soon after being widowed and that was what she meant when speaking to your dad. By the way, does you dad have form for stirring the pot? It wasn't very kind of him to share that with you, and maybe it's not even true that she said it?

She's not an ex though she's a late wife he's a former widower you shouldn't refer to her as an ex if she wasn't.

That sounds like utterly twatty behaviour but I would put money on it being much less noticeable to you than it was to other people and probably not what they remember about the day so try not to let it live rent free in your head. I understand being pissed off, but I would say try not to dwell on their 'contributions' to the wedding and try to reframe your thinking around the best bits.

But also I would totally understand if you want to keep your distance from them after that.

It depends - there is mentioning the late wife as a mark of respect, which is fitting, and them talking solely about that relationship not the marriage which is a bit off!

Where do you stand on the should they get married comment, was that ops fault as well? Op they sound rough/bit thick to me, especially the interrupting the first dance.

your dad however should not have told you. My mum told me something some relation said at my wedding, why? How was that helpful.

Flowers and thanking his Mum who did nothing… remind anyone of a recent engagement party thread? 😂 Maybe the DH took pointers on how to avoid family drama.

OP, it’s totally fine he thanked his Mum, (however much she did or didn’t do for the wedding).

People get hyper-sensitive about not being acknowledged in wedding speeches so the safe move is to thank all rather than some.

The brothers sound like immature dicks. The person taking the video was an idiot to focus on them rather than ignoring it.

I do think you’re insecure about your place. To refer to his late wife as an ex is extremely disrespectful. Of course they will mention her, she’s an important part of his story. I’m glad he found happiness for a second time with you.

As for what the MIL said - I think it was hurtful and inappropriate of your Dad to say anything. Bad enough that she said it; to pass it on to you is just trouble making.

I don’t think these things ruin a wedding unless you choose to let them overshadow all the lovely bits.

Well they sound very immature and self absorbed.

I hope your DH is cut from different cloth. What's his view on all this?

I'd go for ignoring as much as possible, they sound like the kind to love some "drama".

The ex wife comment was not intended to be disrespectful, that is how my dh refers to her as he thinks late wife sounds morbid, so it was just a normal way for me to refer to her

Mumsnet these days is like a 'Tech era' of Medieval Stocks.

Chuck eggs and rotten tomatoes at whatever an OP writes.

A mother worried about her child being bitten by a relative's dog? The child's fault!

OP, It's probably hard to follow on from a deceased wife - Sounds like your husband's family were close to her- any by being dead, she can do no wrong, and becomes 'perfect' in their imaginations.

When one gets married, like it to not, we marry their family too.

His brothers sound like childish, attention seeking twats. His mum was definitely out of order with what she said to your dad. How did he respond to her?

What did they say in the speech about his late wife? Was it along the lines of that she would be happy that her DH had found happiness with you? Did your DH and his late wife have children together who were present at the wedding? If so, maybe that's why the best men kept mentioning her. I can see why it would be awkward though. If they just did it to make you feel uncomfortable, that's totally out of order.

I wouldn't expect the best man's speech to say much about the bride.

Traditionally, the first speech is by the bride's father/Godfather/old family friend who talks about the bride and ends by toasting the bride and groom.

The groom then replies, thanks everyone for coming/for presents, thanks both sets of parents for their help, and then toasts the bridesmaids.

The best man replies to that and talks about the groom.

Obviously the traditional format is old fashioned in that it is only the women don't speak and men speak for them, but the advantage is that everyone knows what their role is and people don't get forgotten.

If you don't follow that approach it's much more likely that someone who expects

How did your DH react to all of this? I don't think you've mentioned that. Surely that's the most important bit. Does he back you up when his family are dicks?

Apologies- ignore final para in last post! Posted before I was ready.

The worst thing was the OP's MIL asking whether the marriage should be going ahead.

The dancing seems annoying but not a huge deal.

I agree that it was right that the MIL was presented with a bouquet too. It would have been rude to leave her out.

Speaking about the former wife is a nice touch in the circumstances, but obviously the best men might have overdone it.

Are you the MIL?

I’m not sure why PP are saying it’s fine for the late wife to be mentioned in a speech like the OP is being unreasonable, when the OP was clear that it was far more than just a mention!

This would piss me off big time. A mention is fine, but prattling on about her for ten minutes is very disrespectful to the new wife and makes it seem like she isn’t welcome in the family. There’s a time and a place to honour a late partner, this wasn’t it.

As for the dancing, I’d have kicked them
in the nuts.

YANBU

OP doesn’t say how long ago her husband’s first wife passed away so how can you know his mother was ‘rightly’ concerned about him remarrying too soon?

And even if she was concerned, do you recognise that the sane and loving way to address that would be for her to have a private discussion with her son in which she asked if he felt happy and comfortable with his plan to marry? And not to raise it with the bride’s father on the day of the actual wedding?

Like imagine someone came on here and said ‘my son’s first wife died and I’m concerned he is remarrying too soon. I’ve decided to speak to his fiancés dad on the morning of the wedding about whether he thinks they should actually get married. AIBU?’ They’d be read the riot act for it.

This site is so bloody stupid sometimes.

YANBU but, what has your husband done about it?

Im assuming he's told them all how out of order they were, how the wedding speech wasn't appropriate and if they carry on behaving like that they he wont be seeing much of them in the future? Generally read them the riot act and meant it?

If he hasn't done any of that you have much bigger problems going forwards than the stupid in laws as he should have your back and not accept his family behaving like this.

Was this recently OP

I got married 7 weeks ago

My cake didn't turn up

It rained all day, torrential rain

My brothers and adult nephew had a fight

None of this ruined my day. Your videographer should have been able to get something without them in the back ground but we did the first minute of the song on our own and then the band asked for our guests to join in here my brothers also acted like idiots.

You can't change the day now but I suspect if you keep letting these little things get to you every family get together will weigh on you heavily and stress you out. Roll your eyes and move on