SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

Congratulations on your retirement OP. 🎉.
Don't let anything spoil what you have worked so hard for.

Tell us how you are going to spend your days? What plans do you have?
I'm interested as in only about 3 years behind you.

I don't understand your post. Are you saying she had an eating disorder. Yes I think she probably did and MH issues. I suppose I just viewed going to the gym as a hobby and therefore leisure time and was a bit taken aback at her saying how busy she was.

This makes me feel so sad and depressed, @lolly792. I stopped working when ds3 was born - if I’d carried on working, 100% of my take home pay would have gone to pay the nursery costs, and I couldn’t see the point of it. By the time the boys were old enough for me to consider going back to work (ie. old enough not to need wrap around care before and after school - my working hours were 8am - 6pm, and wrap around care seemed to cost more than full time nursery care), my professional qualifications had lapsed, and my skills (Theatre nurse) were outdated so I never went back.

It sounds as if you are saying I am a failure because of this - because I ‘never had any success in the working world’. Can you see how hurtful that is?

Why don’t you have a party op. Celebrate your own achievements properly.

To be fair to the OP I think if her sister had been a nurse prior to having kids she would have mentioned it.

YANBU
Appreciate you've said you'll bow out OP but can't help be curious based on your other comments as to whether she knows (i.e. is deliberately) she is winding you up by saying it.. and also if there is a comeback you can use?? or even tell her how you feel imho cause its valid.

So she was anorexic with an exercise addiction. No doubt that was very consuming and debilitating. She is lucky to be alive. I wouldn’t call mental illness a blessing and an easy life tbh.

Go and enjoy the freedom of your retirement OP.

I suspect it’s the back story that causes this to annoy you rather than the actual thing she says. You are both parents but have had a different experiences - you have at times found your own experience hard work. She has been critical of your work and parenting and now you feel she is trying to ‘share’ the thing you felt had for yourself.

What do you mean by 'hobby job' ? Low paid work ? It's not necessarily akin to a hobby , nor without value.

My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids

She doesn't call herself that, does she? A SAHM?

Oh, fair play to you for admitting that you may have had a touch of the green eyed monster. It must not have been easy for you either, working with a medical condition as well.🌻

She was never anorexic. If she had been I would have been very worried about her. She was always a normal weight and sometimes a bit overweight (size 14 to size 18). Physically very fit as you can imagine from that much exercise. However like myself she had MH issues due to our childhood and this was how she coped.

FWIW I have worked through having kids but your theatre nursing career, even though now lapsed, is far more impressive to me than anything I have ever done. I think every family just does what works best for them and so it’s impossible to generalise about working or staying at home.

I think this is insecurity, OP. She knows she's being odd. But she probably doesn't value the fact that she stayed at home after having her kids and never went back to work. She probably thinks it's a bit sad tbh. I'd think it was marvellous if I was her!

OK, so the actual issue is that she's a tit?

😂

I am an older mum to school age dc. I tend to describe myself as retired as I have private means and not looking for work. It's easier in general conversation. It is also a sad reflection of the view of sahm. I have worked full-time, part-time and taken time off as a sahm.

I feel fortunate not to have to work and the means not to have to do so. I got made redundant from a job that I'd worked very hard at for a number of years and it made me take another look at the world of employment and what I do with my time and what the actual value is other than monetary.

It is easy to feel bitter. Comparison leads nowhere. And whilst I'm fortunate in this respect I am less fortunate in other aspects of life. It is about concentrating on your own life and having least regrets. I can understand your bitterness in a way but perhaps you need to reflect on this going forward and how to live your life your way and to the fullest from now on.

God, my MIL used to describe my job as a “hobby job” on the basis that we weren’t relying on my earnings. I can’t tell you how cross it used to make me and on that basis I think YABU.

Focus on enjoying your own retirement, not grumbling about your SIL’s. Also have a think about whether any of this relates to your feelings about your own identity in retirement- it’s a big change.

Well if she isn't a SAHM and doesn't have any part time jobs any longer then she is retired so you're being a bit daft really.

Being a SAHM ≠ leisure. Sure some people are leisurely about it and outsource loads of it, but for loads of people it’s hard graft and they put their all into it.

It sounds like for her, ‘retired’ is shorthand. She’s no longer raising children. She succeeded in raising children who flew the nest. Job done. Retired.

YANBU MIL only worked for about 2 years in her 50s part time as a receptionist at a GP surgery & talks as though she worked all her life. Talks about her pension etc.

I'm a bit envious mind that your SIL can retire late 50s and not have to worry about work.

Yeh, I’m not perfect. I guess we’re all just human at the end of the day. I’m sure I do and say things that annoy people some of the time 😅 xx

I think this is part of it. I don’t agree with SAHM being slagged off but I’m also sick of hearing “it’s the hardest job in the world”.
Try coming in late from work and having to think about dinner, homework etc, and getting prepared to face into a new day of work.

So I get why the OP is irritated. She’s out a slog in and is now retired. Her SIL hasn’t actually “retired” I.e, stopped doing a job because she wasn’t doing a job.

I’ve never heard anyone speaking of retiring from being a SAHM.

I dont understand the contradictory attitude about SAHMs from some posters. If people think SAHMs do nothing and deserve no respect and you are so morally superior to be working, then why on earth be so resentful of them? On the flip side if you wish you'd been a SAHM and are jealous then why the sneery belittling attitude?