SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

Nothing wrong with saying she is retired.

Honestly I think it’s her life and she’s allowed to describe herself however she wants to.. as are you. I really would just let it go. There’s worse things to be worrying about. She may feel embarrassed or have struggled to find work and perhaps finds saying that easier than saying I’ve been a SAHM and had part time jobs and now I don’t.. which that is nothing to be embarrassed about.. but perhaps just think about it from another perspective and let her and you get on with whatever life choices you make

I'd advise any woman who is a SAHM because her DP is a decent earner to pay into a private pension. What they would have paid out in childcare is probably the equivalent amount to what she would get back in a pension. So that's lack of planning.

I am a SAHM and just came across this thread. Just what Mumsnet needs - yet another thread encouraging SAHMs and WOHMs to tear each other down. I am a SAHM who is very happy with her choices and life. I don’t give a shit what other women choose to do with theirs. We all make the choices that work best for ourselves and our families.

@mayorofcasterbridge I find it very hard to believe that someone who is supposedly so happy with her choices would spend SO much time posting such nasty things about women who have made different choices.

As for OP, I’m not sure how your SIL calling herself “retired” affects your life in any way. Maybe try and be focus on all you’ve achieved over the years and enjoy this stage of your life. Live and let live.

Watching your SIL look after her children at home whilst you pursued your career, either out of choice or lack of partner's finances to enable you to do the same, clearly is a bone of contention.

I believe most women would love to be in a position where you have the choice to stay at home and raise the children, actually having the time to enjoy life.

To put it simply you believe you deserve retirement due to undertaking employment alongside raising children and because SIL has not had a similar experience to you, she is undeserving.

Maybe you have some regrets of some of the choices that you have made in life. Maybe you desired the lifestyle SIL had. I would personally take time to consider why another person's lifestyle choices are having an affect on you, especially at a time where you are supposed to be living a joyful and full retirement.

Do you really think you only have time to enjoy life if you are a SAHM? Does that mean that men can never enjoy life or does it only apply to women?

I work full time and enjoy plenty of things about life.

Can you not just respect people no matter what? Such an awful heirarchy. Do I earn more respect from you because one of my kids has a disability? Does that make my current period as a sahm ok?

Also I know this is why I’m pissed off. I used to work in childcare and found yr SO tiring but then I came home and had dinner and watched tv. I can’t do that anymore. For me, being a sahm is still harder. The fact I am less respected now is depressing, especially when I work so damn hard for my kids but apparently it’s not worth it or earns any amount of respect.

I have never had any less respect for my working mum friends and think they’re all wonderful, so it’s very sad I’m seen so negatively.

Good for you. Everyone’s different.

You can believe whatever you like, because I couldn't find it in me to care any less.

Did you completely ignore my first sentence?

Not everyone who works in childcare can simply go home and put their feet up. Like you said, everyone is different.

Like I said, everyone has my basic respect but I’m not sure why I should respect someone more for looking after their own children or why they care if I don’t respect them more.

Yeah I tend to just have a basic level of respect for everyone and as I get to know them they earn more or lose it based on what I know of their integrity, actions, and values. Sometimes that involves what they do for a living but it very, very rarely involves what they don't do for a living.

🤣🤣🤣

Hopefully, she didn’t get a private one better though 😳 or worse...unherited 😬

Oh dear me...a man sham who is not a saint? 🤣🤣

defo only apply to women.

SahP ...oops.

The great part of my getting older is that I really don’ t care what other people think anymore. Stay at home, go to work… who really cares? Why women bash each other because they make different choices is puzzling. Learn to be happy with your life and the choices that you make.

What does she do for money? Sorry if I have missed this.

As long as she doesn’t expect the tax payer to fund her if the rich husband divorces her - no problem !

Yawn

If the household has earned £300000 a year they have paid considerably more tax and NI than if two parents were earning the average yearly salary of £35000. They have contribute enough that should anyone in the family require any form of state assistance, they are morally entitled to it.

It's highly unlikely they'd need it though - in the event of divorce she would get half of everything... House, pensions, etc. In that case it would be highly unlikely she'd qualify for anything.... So you can rest easy. There will not be hoards of ex SAHP or Housewives clamouring for universal credit.

This! The vitriol towards women who make different choices (that don’t impact yours!) is astounding. Another thread recently where women were attacking each other over whether is was better to have an only child or siblings with zero sense that there may be pros and cons to both and that the right choice might be different for different families!

Her life. You sound judgemental and patronising, and as though you resent her and have contempt for her.

No one is saying you should respect sahm ‘more’ but you also wrote that you respect people who work in childcare more than sahm 😳

I have a sahd friend. Wonder what everyone thinks of him. He’s pretty popular around here. His wife has a very high profile job and their oldest had a disability (how I know him) so he’s supporting him at home. He finds it incredibly tough.

Everyone will think he is an amazingly dedicated father who was so good to give up a wonderful career for his children. I’d imagine a lot of the women bashing SAHMs on this thread would be far more complimentary towards him.