SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

They are the reason why I can work. Of course I respect them more, they provide a service that ensures I can continue my career.

In fairness, though @SouthLondonMum22 - I provided the same service for dh - the childcare I did, enabled him to get on in his career.

They do it for many people and not just for their own husband with their own child. They also don’t benefit as much financially.

Completely different to me.

and someone wanted to be antagonistic they could say that it’s completely different to be with your children all the time compared to seeing them for a hour in the evening?! I’ve been both and I’m not sure why you feel the need to judge. Also in terms of how is worthy someone is of your respect, it sounds like you’re saying you respect people when they provide you with a service but I’m sure lots of women are working in jobs where you don’t use their services so what do you think of them? Or what do you think of people like me who have done both - am I only worthy of basic respect some of the time?!

I clearly stated previously that I give everyone basic respect. I respect those who provide essential services such as childcare etc more including those who provide services to other people that I may not use or need myself.

I also spend more than 1 hour every evening with my children.

so I’m curious - I worked in an pretty senior essential keyworker type role and then was in a very privileged position to take extra time out to be with my children and then went back to work. How do you decide whether to give me basic respect or your level 2 respect?! And why do you use headspace evaluating me and deemed what level of respect I deserve?!
and I’m sure you’re a really dedicated mother - that’s why I said if someone wanted to be antagonistic they could start judging you based on the number of hours you see them. I wouldn’t do that but I’m just flipping the situation around and it’s not nice is it?!

HOnestly i had a friend like this and they have no idea how insulting that is

How do you want her to describe herself? You sound needlessly harsh.

Everyone judges to a certain extent. It’s usually a fleeting moment in my head.

I was just answering a question on here. If you’re happy with your choices then it really doesn’t matter what a stranger on the internet thinks.

Plenty on here judge me for being a working mother. Oh well.

You are right that everyone judges, @SouthLondonMum22 - but I have the same level of respect for SAHMs, WOHMs and people who offer childcare for other people’s children (paid or unpaid).

Basically, I think the vast majority of parents* are doing their best for their family, in their family’s unique circumstances, and I respect them for it.

*I exclude neglectful/cruel parents, obviously.

I used to be a childminder and it is definitely harder looking after other people's kids than your own.

I am pretty content with my choices and recognise the significant privilege I have in making them so of course it doesn’t really matter what others think but I’m curious why people judge so much here, both SAHM and WOHM! It’s an odd dynamic and I’m sorry you’ve experienced it.

I think it’s the nature of the beast. AIBU would be boring and not as active if everyone always agreed or just said each to their own.

I agree, whether someone uses daycare or is a stay at home parent, both parties work hard and for the unit, the family. For many women, daycare is not available or in the Uk, it is too expensive and then, when children are young, there is no choice.

Yup!

Pretty sure it depends on how significant their needs are and when you can clock off. Also why does it even matter if one is ‘harder’? This wasn’t even the point of the thread!

@SacreBleugh hi OP. I’ve been following your thread with interest. I was fortunate to be able to finish ‘going to a workplace’ several years ago. Yes I describe myself as having taken early retirement. Having worked full time for 35 years, done the childcare in holidays, run the house so my husband was able to take career opportunities I am comfortable saying ‘retired’. I am really happy and busy being able to enjoy hobbies and interests. All these words are justifying being retired. The reality was and is we didn’t need my income but I suspect you may think it sounds abit off saying that. I am not going to feel guilty if my sibling or in law feels resentful. That is their problem.

I responded to this comment from you:

'Also I know this is why I’m pissed off. I used to work in childcare and found yr SO tiring but then I came home and had dinner and watched tv. I can’t do that anymore. For me, being a sahm is still harder.'

You were the one who stated that being a SAHM is harder. That wasn't my experience.

She has effectively retired from raising a family. Like you say her children have grown. she was a SAHM so has 'retired' from that role. Why does it irritate you so much?

@SacreBleugh I will also add the minute I retired along at a similar time my sister, our elderly parents went into steep decline. It became clear they had ‘thought’ we would be at their beck and call. Our brother is very odd about it too. He never says out loud we should be giving up what he perceives as ‘free time’ to care for them but every interaction is ‘I’m working full time’ or similar. He probably knows better than to say ‘why aren't you doing more’ . I couldn’t pursue a high level career as I had no childcare from my parents, unlike my brother who did. So I had to be in jobs that worked around the kids whilst my brother and his wife could pursue careers as they had on tap grandparents doing the are so weren’t tied to pick up times etc.

Reality is I have never been busier than I am. Yes lots of it might be seen as indulging in hobbies but so what. I think you would do yourself a favour and address why you feel resentful.