SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

It’s definitely not easier, just different. Nursery staff don’t look after your children full time, whilst also cleaning your house, doing food shops, doing the gardening etc etc, I could go on and on with other life admin that I’m sure you’re well aware of. Often this is in addition to your school age children that need a whole other set of support. Often when a SAHP is at home doing the parenting, they aren’t able to do any of the home stuff, it very much goes on hold until evenings and weekends like everyone else.

I imagine there are lots of caveats to these shitty opinions and how worthy a SAHM is of respect dependent upon - how neuro typical the child is / any disabilities / how many other children at home / the age of the child / whether they are a single parent / whether they get any family support, so on and so forth. Everyone always wants their own life’s efforts to be validated and ‘seen’, so maybe stop shitting on the SAHM’s as they are also doing their best in difficult circumstances, facing a whole other world of stressors.

let the woman retire from her former life - I.e her set of responsibilities, now she can do what she pleases. Why would it matter to anyone else?

Kept woman ?
wish I had figured that one out 🤣

Why do you care so much? 🤷‍♀️ Baffling.

Instead of being annoyed at your SIL description of her status, just be thankful that your retirement will be funded by your pension, so you are not totally financially dependent on your partner, which must feel good?

It's pointless being envious of other people's set-up in life, you don't know whether everything is fine with her, she may be bored, for example?

But even if she is happy and content, then you should think 'good luck to her' and hope your retirement is as happy and fulfilling as it can be - you do 'you' and let her comments go over your head, she just wants an acceptable description for herself, and 'housewife' or 'unemployed' don't really cut it.

@SacreBleugh I'm with you, this would drive me nuts. You retire from work not parenting.

Jealous much.... you're giving off the vibes hun. Sorry you have to work and no man to support you. Feel for you hun

It would annoy me too. Like you, I've worked full-time all my life apart from the first four years of my twins' lives and when I took a six month break to go travelling before they were born. I always take 'retired' to mean retired from work. You can't really be retired from being a stay-at-home mum. She should just say she doesn't work.

I know families where both parents had full-on careers and virtually no childcare / support at all. They were utterly stressed and their health suffered possibly as a result. The sad thing in this thread is the devaluing of the enormous amount of work and attentiveness that being a parent demands, whether it's as a SAHP or a working parent without support. Being a parent is a job. I know other families who were able to outsource a lot of the parenting duties because both parents had very well paid jobs. Yes someone got paid to do this work. A full-time working parent with no help whatsoever is doing 2 jobs. I wish instead of knocking those who have chosen to be SAHP due to one partner having a well paid job or due to making life choices (eg having a pared-down lifestyle) we examine how hard it is for women who end up doing the lion's share of caring, home responsibilities etc etc even if they are in FT work. That is not the fault of the SAHP who is also doing a job. No wonder the birth rate is falling in the UK. OP I think your bitterness is misdirected.

"Kept woman" is really insulting. It implies she exchanges sex for money and has made no meaningful contribution to the household. Anyone who uses that term about another woman is being an out and out bitch, and to me, it negates the value of anything else they say!

I did think being a sahm was easier than woh and then coming home to chores and childcare and then the bits of paid work that people sometimes need to catch up with in the evening. Not all jobs are ones where you can leave it at the office door and that's an additional pressure.
But that's partly why I remained a sahm. It's not the law that people have to stretch themselves in all directions. Obviously all our choices have pluses and minuses but I can't imagine getting het up about how some other woman chooses to describe her own life - it doesn't affect me or my decisions at all!

You are right, @ABirdsEyeView - and calling someone a 'kept woman' entirely ignores the work she does in the home, that supports her partner's career.

It's a strange thing to be annoyed by? It doesn't impact you at all.

Why would you care if people think you had it harder than her. There will be other people out there that had it loads harder and other people who had it easier.

I was mostly a SAHM but still had a daily cleaner etc so had it very easy.
My kids have now left home so basically I'm on holiday now.
If people want to judge I don't care but I wonder why they would waste headspace over something that doesn't affect them. It's such a negative way to go through life.

she should say what she WANTS to say.

You sound jealous, it also sounds like you don’t like her much

I am being honest, by saying I'm retired - I shouldn't have to bring my condition into it and be labelled as "unfit for work" or whatever terminology works for people (no pun intended), especially seeing as I worked solidly since leaving school and often working 6 days a week from 5am-7pm.
I was trying to point out that it's others who seem to have an issue with women below a certain age, saying that they've "retired" and that to be honest, they should stop getting so het up about a word, when they have no idea what is actually going on in a person's life.
I have a fairly high chance of being dead before I reach retirement age, so this is my retirement.

Why indeed. It’s very very odd.

Sorry for her? Surely she's capable of working if she wanted to, just chooses not to! And her business what she writes on forms!

I'm one of the women you feel sorry for. My kids are adults and I don't work, bankrolled as you say by my husband but with equal shares in all assets and home. I don't work as we travel a lot. Looking forward to grandchildren soon. Feel sorry for me all you like, but I'd imagine there's more deserving people of your sympathy.

Yep, the one thing we will never be is a retired parent!! That's for life!

Next time you hear her say “retired”, just ask: From what?

Well, that’s what I had done in the past once 😉

Sounds like a beautiful life. I think it's a stretch to say people saying that "retired" isn't a descriptor for your life, are just jealous.

It's like when, for example, married women with husbands who work away a bit say they're "just like a single mum". Sure, there's a technical argument that they're doing a fair bit on their own... but they're clearly not a single mum when there's another income coming in and another loving parent in the partnership to share the joys of family with, from afar.

Not everything is jealousy. It's just a bit silly to use a term that obviously isn't about your circumstances to describe yourself.

I simply find it easier to say I’m retired than I’m loaded, I never need to work again and I haven’t worked for years.

Same here, but something tells me saying 'I'm loaded and don't need to work' might piss the OP off a teensy bit more than saying we are retired.

OP what actually pisses you off is not how we choose to describe our comfortable, relaxed existence, but the fact that we have it at all.

But then a huge number of single parents also only have their children 50 percent of the time - so in that case the mother who's husband works away does have it tougher. She doesn't get the same level of break from parenting as the single parent.

That's the problem with comparison, which is what OP is doing. There will ALWAYS be someone you look at and think that they have it easy and there will ALWAYS be someone looking at you thinking you've had it easy.

I don't think it is about comparison though, I think it's pretending to have an experience that you don't.

Eg I don't say I was a SAHM just because I had a few maternity leaves. It's not the same and pretending it is, is silly.

It's interesting that the SAHMs commenting are determined that the only reason people could think it's silly is just because we're all so jealous of them, though.

I don't understand why you care though. If someone is a SAHM parent - really who cares? Who cares if they say they are retired? if they receive a state pension then they will be retired surely? My mum didn't work after having children and I would describe her as retired. She receives a state pension and she would receive 50% of my dad's pension if he died. I thought the point of feminism was to give women a choice in how they they chose to live rather than judging those choices. I have a friend who is SAHM who also has a full time housekeeper and a nanny. I think 'good on her' if that is how she wants to live her life. I have other friends with long hours stressful jobs and think the same about them. I don't think their life decisions are about me.

I can imagine how you feel but also having full time work which allowed you to bring up children also implies other support that you either or could afford.

I was a full time mum for a long time as my partner constantly travelled, we had no relatives to help with free child care during the week and my earning capacity was too low for real childcare and my work had also involved antisocial hours. I was freelancing when I had my kids so got no real maternity benefits that you might have received.

Being able to work is not necessarily open to everyone. It is also a kind of privilege.

I don't think the world is divided between noble workers and lazy shirkers. A lot of people maybe don't have your skills or talents. Maybe you work in an industry that was supportive.

I get why you're irritated, I really do, but also I think some people in work tend to look down on the out of work.

I would be interested to know how we're supported to bring up 4 kids full time. Not everyone can work from home. Not everyone is their own boss. Not everyone can afford that level of childcare.