SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

What a grim response. Need to remove that huge chip on your shoulder.

My daughter and I are estranged (since March this year) due to an argument between me and her partner who said some nasty things to me. My dd took out a mortgage for me nearly 9 years ago as I couldn’t get a mortgage. I pay for everything to do with my flat. She threatened to make me homeless by selling the flat during the row. I wanted to end my life by driving into a tree as I had a mental breakdown. I have lost my career through it and things have been so hard. Now my sister has gone and invited the two of them to hers for Christmas dinner obviously meaning that I can’t go to her house after dinner like we usually do for drinks, snacks and party games. I just feel so betrayed by everything. My sister hasn’t asked me once how I am through all of this and I also ended up in hospital with chest pain when all this began. I just don’t know what to do or how to feel tbh.

Late 50s is perfectly acceptable to describe yourself as retired. I'll be retiring the moment I can draw my pension at 55

Usually when filling out forms you woukd tick home maker.
I am a SAHM before I was a SAHW 😂

Incorrect. The point I have been making is that WOHMs are not lesser mothers than SAHMs. OK?

Who's "pushing paper around an office"? That's very derogatory!

Then I apologise for my misunderstanding, @mayorofcasterbridge. I agree with you that neither SAHMs or WOHMs are lesser mothers.

Are you calling yourself heroic seriously or is it a joke? If it's the former well, it's clear that you want congratulations for birthing and raising 4 children that you chose to have? Yet, the majority of parents love and raise their children well and many work ft. It's immaterial how many children you have. You can say you're proud of doing a good job with your children but heroic, no.
You are now in a position many would envy but instead you're jealous of your sil also referring to herself as retired. What's wrong with that and how does it affect you? Sounds very mean spirited and bitter. Why not just enjoy your retirement. OP?

I retired at 42 and I know lots of people thought it was despicable! I had some awful comments. I shouldn't have called it retired, I was just unemployed 🤣

"Guess she's relying on the Important Man to bank roll her "

Why shouldn't she? He's had years of not worrying about childcare and being supported at home. We all know that freedom has made his working life smoother.

Shes probably using 'retired' in a tongue in cheek way. But she has retired from full time childcare, which although isn't a job in that there's a formal wage, it is still work! A pp said that to be retired one has to have been "gainfully employed", which implies that sah is inferior. Shes been spending her time doing the physical care of her children, which is something that wohp aren't doing because they are working elsewhere! One isn't more worthwhile than the other, since both are necessary!

I think retired is as valid a description as unemployed (which to me implies actively seeking work).

Focus on your own situation. You'll be happier if you aren't getting all bitter and trusted because someone made a choice that you could also have made, had you really wanted to.

This is spot on! @ABirdsEyeView

Though I don’t think you will ever convey this to a lot of people that take up paid employment and pay a nursery to provide the childcare. It’s disappointing that other women (and I speak from experience, as it always women with the chip on their shoulder about it) will only see worth in paid work.

I say this as a SAHM that loves my life, has zero regrets and find it amusing how irritating our families choices are to certain people.

I think alot of people will be gutted on their deathbed when they realise that no one is handing out medals for giving the tax man his share…. You have to do what you want with your own life and what gives you purpose and wellbeing! Personally, I’ve done both and any employer I had before my kids, were more then happy to print off my P45 when they didn’t want me to be part of their ‘family’ anymore…

Hi op,

So she had to stop working to take care of someone but it isn’t the same? Why?
i mean ultimately both children and older people can go in paid care? But if they/you can’t afford it then it is usually on mum/daughter.

Anyway, it sounds all to stem from jealousy because you “worked hard” and “she didn’t” but use the same word than you?? Maybe let her have “retired” and use “retired after 40years of work and raising 4 children” but then again…some people might think you are an overachiever that try to attract glory?

My advice : you know you have done good. Let her also think she has done good. You both did great.

Good luck 🌺

@Bbq1 "Are you calling yourself heroic seriously or is it a joke?"

Congratulations @Bbq1 you made me roll my eyes so hard in my head I nearly dislocated them. Of course I wasn't joking! *

*this is also a joke. Just for the avoidance of confusion.

👍

I’m sorry to hear that but I think you may be on the wrong thread?

Why do it matter to you what she does. She’s her own erson and can do what she wants surely not

@Drcake @ABirdsEyeView

Yeap. Always women. Always “working hard” looking down on other women “whom don’t work hard”…meaning, they don’t bring money in.

It is widely the same for any subjects : women are the worst enemy of women to get : a promotion, a salary raise, to go part time, to go flexi time…

Why does it matter to you she’s her own person and can do what she wants also call herself what she wants to also

this hasn’t been working properly of late and it’s posted on this thread. Don’t know how to change it!!

Do not give her head space but always bring up your excellent company pension every time you see her.

Why @Thepurplepig? Sil isn't doing anything detrimental to the OP by choosing how to refer to herself.

I was with you until your last sentence. Bringing up children isn't a "type of leisure". Done properly, it's sodding hard work as is being a SAHM and looking after the house. Presumably she didn't fob them off to child minders, constantly arrange play dates involving them being fed at other peoples' homes, taxi-d them around, and that she did her own housework, didn't employ cleaners/gardeners, went shopping rather than have home deliveries, dealt with the home organisation and admin to allow her OH to work (maybe longer/harder hours) to bring in a better wage than had they had to take part time or lower paid work because of "home" obligations. Maybe even had other "caring" obligations such as ageing parents or in laws who needed support?? Now, if she did none of that and genuinely did just life a "life of leisure" engaging paid help constantly, fobbing off her children constantly, then, and only then, would you have a point!

@ABirdsEyeView "Shes been spending her time doing the physical care of her children, which is something that wohp aren't doing because they are working elsewhere!"

You do realise that children require care 24/7, and working parents might work 7ish hours a day, so that's a lot of time they are not "working elsewhere". Then add in weekends, plus holidays. Does your statement also mean that SAHMs are no longer SAHMs when their child goes to school, because they are no longer responsible for the "physical care of [their] children" during the day?

In addition, the SAHM can fit responsibilities and activities into her 24/7 schedule. The WOHM does that too, in her 17 hours a day.

Anyone would think that the working mum abnegates all responsibility entirely for her offspring!

This sort of attitude to SAHMs is such a backward and anti-feminist rhetoric.

It is full time work raising a family. Especially if done properly. My mum never did paid work but she worked damn hard every day of her life whilst raising us and looking after the people around us. And unlike my dad she doesn’t get a retirement party or a formal transition from having to do her ‘job’ to be able to take a well earned break.

So you're saying that a woman who works outside the home hasn't "properly" raised her family?

Surely your mother has been able to take "a well earned break" when freed from her childcare responsibilities? And if she feels the need for a "retirement party", then throw her one!

(In my organisation, there are no retirement parties. If you're lucky you might get to go out for lunch with your colleagues!)