SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

I highly doubt you are spending all day doing the above while also working at the same time. If you are then you won the lottery in the easy job department.

Happy maybe? Contentment? Easy lifestyle, stress free schedule. I can't speak for that poster but that's what I would presume.

I work PT now but was a 'successful' SAHM too for many years after giving up FT work. When i quit Dh no longer did nursery drop offs and became available at work to shoulder more responsibility and travel, then got a massive pay rise which was greater than my salary minus childcare. We bought a house we love. We ate dinner at a respectable hour, good quality home cooked meals. Weekends were down time as I worked hard during the day to make sure all the house jobs, grocery shopping and errands were done during the week. Everyone in the house benefitted. No doubt working FT is much more difficult, but I never for one second feel like I wasn't a valuable contributor to society or my family during those years.

And in doing all that, you want to rear balanced, kind, considerate, individuals yada yada yada, surely? Why would you put the effort in if you didn't expect it to bear fruit?

Nah I'm not buying that nonsense. I can define myself as a "successful" WOHM now that my children are turning in the young adults I hoped they would turn out to be.

I can't tell which of my YP's friends had SAHMs and which didn't. There is absolutely no difference. Same as I can't tell who was breastfed and who wasn't. You're just justifying your existence. You don't have to. Just own it.

The fact remains that a HUGE number of women in work are not able to be "promoted", do not get much in the way of job satisfaction and are earning a pittance. Often cleaning other people's houses, looking after other people's babies, caring for other people's old folk, cooking for other people's children. Are THOSE women more admirable because they do it for other people . It's just the losers who do it for their own families that are worthy of derision. Lots of women are still doing very hard, manual and sometimes unpleasant work. Not all women are swanning about in meetings and pressing buttons on their computers for multi-national tax-avoiding companies.

The notion that this world is divided into SAHMs who eat bon bons all day whilst their poor husbands are down the mines or high powered, hard nosed corporate whores who value their financial independence more than their child's well-being is pathetic. The majority of women are somewhere in between and we're mostly all just trying to get through the day as unscathed as possible. So what if someone wants to avoid awkward conversations, judgement and derision. Who actually cares. It will not change the reality of YOUR life.

You're doing all of that because you want to. Don't try to pretend you are rearing some superior kind of being!

I am successful in my day to day life and I certainly don't depend on the validation from an internet poster to tell me what defines success or not. I have created a really lovely life and I am very grateful that I spend my days with my children.

How is that bullshit? It's just fact. If your children are of an age that they literally need someone caring for them in your absence, whether that is a paid-for role like a nanny or childminder or after school club, then that literally is delegating those things to someone else. Because all that stuff still needs doing for them..

"to parent" is not really a useful verb when looking at raising a child from a practical point of view, though. I mean I concede that you're still parenting even if your children are in childcare because you have made the decisions as a parent about which childcare setting is best for your child, you're the one dropping them off and collecting them and picking them up if you've had the phone call to say they're unwell. But the day to day care is not being done by you as a parent, is it? I'm not having a go, it's just fact. I've been been in both positions, as a SAHM and working with kids in childcare. I valued my role as a SAHM and I valued the role that my children's childcarers had on my behalf.

I don’t assume that I’m better placed to look after my children once they go past the baby toddler stage. My children have learnt many things from nursery works and teachers that I wouldn’t have been able to teach them.

I feel my kids seeing me going to work as a positive thing, they are interested in what I do and I like that they see me as having an identity other than their mum.

You clearly have an inferiority issue. There is no where in my post where I claimed my children are "some superior kind of being". I am the lucky one who gets to spend my days with them, its not something I will ever regret.

Those women who do it for the good of their family ARE admirable because they're doing work they don't enjoy to put a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, and because they don't have the luxury of a choice. To me that's more real than those women who claim that they are superior mothers because they cook all their own food from scratch, knit their own orgasms don't impress me because they do have that luxury.

Their children don't become fundamentally better human beings than those of the mum who has to clean toilets to afford school uniforms.

No you don't.

And that is also great. As women we should do what we feel is best for ourselves and our children and if that is going to work full time then that is wonderful and should be celebrated as well.

It is not a one size fits all. Everyone posting here as their own experiences, family needs and personal needs and should make choices based on what works for them.

Maybe SIL thinks you were silly for working so hard when didn’t have to. Or thinks you did not bring up your own dc but put them in childcare. So what?

@mayorofcasterbridge - there are no guarantees about anything in life. Children are human beings and there is no knowing how they will turn out. They are not a product.

The point of a SAHM is that a child is with their mum, rather than a paid person. It's the reality of the day to day, real time existence. It's a distinct choice. I know in myself, I've done loads with snd for my kids that a nanny would simply never have done. That's all there is to it.

Well said @PureBoggin

Not at all, I'm more than happy with my life and family. I am extremely proud of my children, they are good people with good values, and doing well in their lives. You have a superiority issue. You're the only one who is rearing your children right. You clearly believe that you are a much better mother than most of the rest of us. Go you.

It annoys you because it pushes on something in you. Envy? Jealousy?

You maybe feel you are entitled to be retired because you worked hard but she isn’t?
I don’t work. Haven’t in years. Might not go back. So I won’t be able to be entitled to rest when I’m older or whatever because I didn’t work hard in the world of work?

Rat race isn’t for us all.

I agree, except I think someone who doesn’t work describing themselves as “retired” is somewhat taking away from the achievement’s of those who have worked for years so I agree with the OP although I wouldn’t get too wound up about it.

Do you live in this poster's house?

Some of us are just better at multitasking than others - you know, ask a busy person if you want something done!

You are right. The memories are for you. If you put dc in childcare full time, that bypasses you.

And again, no one has said anything to imply what you are posting about. You clearly have a major issue with stay at home mums and you should examine that and your anger elsewhere.

Every person posting here has their own family, needs, financial needs, etc. and they will need to form a life that works to meet those needs. My needs and the needs of my family are being met through the work I do at home.

I don't think I am superior because I cook from scratch, I think I can do all of those things because I am a stay at home mum and my time goes to things like that. As I said, things aren't as easy when I decide to take on a freelance project.

It annoys her because it takes away from her hard work.

The “rat race” isn’t for me either but I can’t opt out or the bills won’t get paid.

Do you honestly think if you have several children you remember every single minute?!

The pension is for me though. I am looking forward to enjoying that.

It doesn't bypass you but it does mean you have less time with your DC than I do and your DC have less time with you.

Absolutely no one on this thread has said that SAHMs are more admirable than WOHMs. It's been entirely the other way around. And believe it or not Mayor, no one really gives a shit whether you are impressed by them or not.

My point is that women like you are more than happy to exploit the labour of poorer women to make your life easier whilst berating women who opt out of providing cheap labour for anyone except their own family.