SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

I was specifically talking about one's OWN contribution. Not as a couple. I was a SAHM for 3 years when my kids were little. DH paid a lot of tax. But from the moment I went back to work and started paying tax we as a couple then paid the same tax that DH had been paying PLUS my own contributions. That's more tax as a couple.

How do you define success as a SAHM?

You’re feeling pissed off about it because she has just downgraded your life experience of lots of hard graft by equating it to her one of minimal graft.
She put you on and is wearing you like a mask and now you are nothing.
my sister used to do this kind of thing to me, it’s such a bore

I'm guessing since she has to lie, or at least stretch the truth about her own occupation, that it's SIL who's a bit embarrassed about her choices.

You are 😁 Technically you may be right (except for the unemployed bit if you don’t need to work) but I see nothing wrong in someone using the word to indicate that they are no longer putting themselves up for any paid work (regardless of how little paid work they may have done over the years). If you’re a certain age there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just an innocuous term that only offends competitive friends or family.

@SacreBleugh I get it. She's retired from what exactly?

I'm getting the similar shits with my mother going on about how hard things are on your own (dad passed away a couple of years ago). How hard it is to keep on top of all the jobs yourself, how much more everything costs as a single but you get funding and concessions than couples, how hard it is only having one income etc etc. I've lived by myself for over 20 years and had maintain the house, yard, job etc At one point I lost house, job and relationship within 6 months. All I've had from her over those years is grief about what job hadn't been done when she visited.

My response when she starts going on now is "tell me about, that's been my life for the last 20 years". Shuts it down pretty quick. I'd do the same with your SIL.

She’s not retired because she’s not retired from a job or at retirement age.

Shes a home maker.
She’s probably just a bit embarrassed by saying so and so saying retired is easier.

I would be more annoyed if she’s been calling herself a SAHP for years.

Wow
Why would you feel sorry for her for feeling that she never has any success in the workplace

There are plenty of women who if had the option would never work and happily be a stay at home mum. Alot of people have to give up being a full-time mother just to earn an income to provide food.

Your comment is very unhealthy.

Sounds like a wee green-eyed monster situation.

That's easy. Get promoted to the level where you want to be. Make good money. Do good in the world of work where you can. Save for an excellent pension. Remain independent.

How do you define "successful SAHM" then? Managing to raise them to adulthood without killing them or them killing each other? Them to have a "successful career" in their turn? To do good in the world? To have a good education? To be SAHMs in their turn? To not break the law? [eg if your child turns to drugs and crime, does that mean you were not "successful"?]

And how are you more "successful" as a SAHM than as a WOHM? It's a load of wanky waffle!! And it's "awful"!

How dare anyone lead a 'leisurely life' in their 50s, with 'grown up children' no less. It should be against the law. Outrageous!

Is that because you can't.

The same way you’ve been describing your self for the last many years? SAHM. You were a SAHM even when your kids were in school ? Secondary school ?

Gosh I love this. I wish I was more creative

That sounds pretty nasty to your own widowed mother.

I think quite a few people on this thread are mixing different issues.

Taking time out of work to be a SAHP is absolutely fine if it's what you want and can afford to do so.

It's not better/worse than remaining in employment.

Families make individual choices or in many cases accept compromises that mean they do the best they can.

This isn't really a thread about SAHP's vs working parents - even if some posters are making it so.

The reality is that when children grow up the need to have a SAHP lessens in most cases.

When they have left home then you are no longer a SAHP. You are voluntarily unemployed if you do not want/need/choose to work.

You may, in that time morph into something else such as a carer to a parent (highly time consuming/demanding and worthy of respect).

However, if after your children are independent adults and you continue not to work, you cannot "retire".

You stopped being a SAHP many years ago and were in presumably a fortunate position not to have to choose to work or in a more difficult position (potentially health/other care responsibilities) that meant paid employment was not possible.

In the case of the OP she is in that former position. So no, she is not retired.

That doesn't have to denigrate her formally being a SAHP and the value that role brought to her family.

It does reflect that when that role was no longer required (based on the OP's information) she decided to remain unemployed.

Redundant would be more accurate than retired.

This seems like it is more about the fact that you don't much like your SIL. Don't waste your energy on it.

Successfully passing from one type of leisure to another while finding excuses to make a man pay your bills and feed you.

What I find annoying is, these SAHMs forget that working women are full time mothers too! Just like husbands/partners of SAHMs are not half/part time dads.

For me success as a stay at home mum means that I have a very happy and healthy family and home life. I have the time to come up with engaging and fun activities for our children each day: a morning poem, a daily nature study, crafts and art projects. We do a fun unit study each week that incorporates learning, art, reading books on the subject, sensory play and baking.

I make all of our food from scratch and I have been teaching our toddlers how to grow vegetables and tend to our garden and then how to cook with the fruits and vegetables that we grow.

I am able to take them to museums during the day, music and art classes. Soon we will start learning basic Spanish together.

I am also able to teach them about caring for a home, they help fold and put away their clothing, clean up their messes, tidy after meals, etc. This morning while I deep cleaned the house they "helped" (as much help as toddlers can) and we talked about why it is important to care for our home and create a clean and calm environment.

We are able to spend a lot of our days outside exploring, riding bikes, scooters, playing and learning about nature.

But all of the above takes time and planning. A lot of effort and time goes into researching, planning and putting together our unit studies. It is really hard to adequately explain here.

I should also say that I take my own care and health seriously too and I think that it is really important to show my DC that mummy needs time to workout, see friends, go to bookclub, etc.

When I am doing freelance works, the above tends to fall apart and I don't have the time that I would like to be fully engaged with the children and our house outside of doing the bare minimum like playing with the DC, reading with them and cooking/and basic cleaning.

She has to “lie” because of all the horrible attitudes like the ones demonstrated in this thread.

And WOHMs don't do any of that... ok.

You have toddlers. You're a long way from defining yourself as "successful"!

This looks more like a good parent checklist. I’m a working mum and I do all this too.

100%. It’s unusual to have school aged children at retirement. You are not a SAHM at that point, your transitioned to someone who doesn’t work. You cannot “retire” from not working.

@mayorofcasterbridge - being a successful SAHM is doing what YOU think is best for YOUR particular children - because you can and you know you are the best person to be with them. Simple as that. It's not about 'results.' What a weird way to think. It's the fundamental day to day reality - a decision you take in terms of life balance and focus. Knowing you were physically there, without the distraction of work and without ever having to rely on or compromise with paid 'others' for childcare. Ad a SAHM, you KNOW what you did say in day out, year on year. You know in yourself that you were better placed to do all the things you did with your kids than a nanny or similar. That was your priority and that's why you did it. It's as simple as that. It doesn't matter about anyone else or what they think because they are not your kids, are they? They can do what they like.