SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

She may not have strived for work success and fell forfilled by being up her family, are you jealous of her fortune position??

I was a sahm and ran a few hobby businesses when my dcs were teens. I started drawing down on my SIPPs and ISAs (invested with the plan to be used in early retirement) frim mid 50s, so obviously I describe myself as retired We planned our retirement carefully, as do most sahms I've known, and all of them have good pensions and long term investments, because it's possible to have them without being full time employed.

I've been fortunate to have had plenty of time and money throughout my life, as DH was a high earner, but so do many working people - not all jobs are demanding or require full time hours.

But why is OP furious with her SIL. It's not her fault if OP feels like she's been run into the ground. If her job was so demanding then it's her and her children's other parent's responsibility to fairly share all other duties. Op can be furious with society, her husband, herself, but to be furious with someone else for using a word is a bit much. It's also just really self-defeating. Especially now that OP is actually retired. @SacreBleugh honestly...just let it go. Enjoy your well deserved retirement. Focus on your own achievements and how you're going to spend all of your free time.

I remember my brother saying he was going to write “retired housewife” for mother’s occupation on his marriage certificate. She was about 50 at the time. I hope he did 😂

YABU - what else is she supposed to call herself ffs

You sound a bit envious of SIL - understandably so. Some people have it much easier than others. Who knows, maybe she envies the richness of working life and the skills that you have developed over the decades in your career.

She's a retired housewife. I'd hate her too.
Thank god I have an amazing career and identity.

I’m not a single parent but I totally agree with you. If any of my friends with partners say this I pick them up on it. It’s ridiculous and insensitive to say it.

“I'd feel sorry for her if she's never had any sort of success in the working world.”

why?
there’s more to life than work.

I wonder how many people on their death bed think “I wish I’d spent more time at work” 🤔

Helpful definition of retired for her
‘having left one's job and ceased to work.’

😅

Joke? Imagine hating someone because they made different life choices to you. How bizarre!

As someone who had a very successful career pre children and now is a very successful stay at home mum, I would probably hate you for your bad attitude and judging nature.

Sorry OP YABU. Being a SAHM is a full time job, being a homemaker and raising kids is hard. I get that you did both but people just have different jobs and responsibilities. She's retired from her job and you've retired from yours. That's the truth of it.

Im not near retirement yet but work PT and am raising kids. Both are jobs, one is just more enjoyable and the other pays better 😂

No, I view being “retired” as retiring from the era of employment, to the era of non-employment.

I think it’s equally applicable whether a person has actually been working in a job or not.

Retirement means that a working (or potentially working) stage of life is no longer where they are.

On the other hand, I wonder if anyone gets to that stage looking at the nurses run ragged looking after them and thinks "Actually I didn't really pay my way enough. I didn't pay into society's coffers and I could have done. I'm lying here in a hospital bed being cared for by these hard-working nurses and I've never paid any taxes of my own towards it." Maybe some people do end up feeling a bit guilty at that.

It's so lacking in sociological awareness and imagination to believe that paid work is the only form of work that matters. Imagine how dull life would be without all of the creatives, artists, writers, singers who don't warn a penny from their endeavours. How rubbish life would be without all of the amazing volunteers who run and staff kids clubs, scouts, guides, toddlers groups etc. How much poorer our local economies would be everyone was at work all day.

I'm not sure how you can retire from something you've never done, so I think her description is inaccurate.

Essentially she is not in employment or intending to be in the future. How she/her partner funds this is their business.

That said I'm not sure I could get that worked up about it. If that's how she wants to frame it, well fine.

If I met someone who said they were retired and I asked what they did previously (chit chat) and they said "housewife" I'd internally find the description a bit odd, but wouldn't show it.

Truth is her situation is becoming increasingly less common. Not many women are in a position to be full time SAHM's for extended periods that morph into a life of being voluntarily unemployed.

I know someone in a similar situation and wouldn't swap. I enjoy my work and the financial freedom it has given me. I will in the future enjoy my pension (that I've spent years maxing out) safe in the knowledge I will be fine, even if my DH turned out to be an utter shit (highly unlikely, but I wouldn't be the first).

I've enjoyed being a role model to my children in doing well in my career which has helped fuel their aspirations and frankly provided a lifestyle way beyond us being a single income family could have attained (despite DH also having a very good career).

So, essentially each to their own. Let her describe herself as she pleases, but in honesty yes, she hasn't retired. She is just continuing to be in a position to choose not to work.

Because you probably want to dream “retired from WHAT?’ At her!

I dislike an assumption or rather an implication that one cannot have possibly experienced success if they decide to become a SAHM. Not saying that the PP is saying this btw but it does happen.

I certainly did too and reached a very senior position in my late twenties. But with success came huge responsibility. Give me managing the conflict between two under two over workplace politics any day! I'll be so sad when it comes to an end. My life is far more fulfilling and happier as a SAHM, despite loving what I did and will do again in the not so distant future.

I'm sorry OP, but I have to say you sound very petty indeed and clearly are jealous of this SIL, regardless if your protestations otherwise. Imagine feeling the need to actually start a thread about what someone call themselves! Come on, give yourself a shake. You are in your 50s, not 5 years old.

Don't be ridiculous. The majority of families who can afford to have one parent take time away from a career to raise children are paying plenty of tax. Not to mention the vast numbers of working people who are actually in receipt of benefits.

Agreed, but they don’t have the equivalent of the time the kids are at school each day off, their time is not their own, they are answerable to managers, are tasked with responsibilities, performance reviews, deadlines etc.

I can understand if you do that for 30 odd years why you’d be irritated that someone who hasn’t describing themselves as “retired”.

My point was more that people talk about this huge graft of unpaid labour SAHMs put in as if they are parenting toddlers for 20 years.

If your child is 20 and you don’t work, can you describe yourself as a SAHM?

Lots of women have to stay at home due to childcare costs, lots of women want to be with their children and some don’t want to deal with the hassle of work. It’s not a one size fits all of women toiling away. I know SAHMs who have nannies & who don’t cook.

I know someone in her 50s who left work at 45. She's not ill or a carer, and childless; it's just because she can financially due to rich husband (who did actually retire early in the proper sense). However..she calls herself retired..and even goes to a retirement club..which really gets my goat! No, you are not retired, you are unemployed... (I'm NOT jealous... I love my job and would be bored shitless!)

Identity is so much more than what we do for employment or having a career.

If it makes you feel any better my ex was on a dating site ( aged 40) he described himself as retired - true to his word he never worked a day I worked to raise our Ds - whilst he contributed £7 a week vis the cms ..