SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

It’s a pity you can’t think how you could fill your day if you didn’t need to work. Only dull people get bored.

Being the domestic servant of a household, and concierge, accountant, facilitator etc is definitely a job.

Despite what my generation (Gen Z) thought, it's still the default in the vast majority of families that this work falls to the woman. It's not the OP's SILs fault that this arrangement has been formalised in her family.

Women who do all this, plus full-time paid work, are being exploited and abused - you should be kicking back at your men/the patriarchy for that fact, not at other women. They at least are making the disparity in sex roles visible - unlike the rest of us who find ourselves fundamentally responsible for all the shitwork, but also somehow responsible for pretending it ain't so and soothing the new male ego, (which likes to think it's owner is really pulling his weight when he asks what 'help' is needed).

Men win again eh?

Just say retired from what exactly. If it annoys you that much.

I consider it leisure time or more simply my day off.

A day off with a child at school or nursery for 6 hours? Definitely leisure.

I have a friend I’ve known since we were 10. Were both 61 now
we both went to uni . Both got careers post uni. I worked mostly as fully time , with a 3 years part time when kids very young, and became sole breadwinner when exh became ill for the last 15 years of our 30 year marriage. I retired at 60. Nice pension. And I am now able to lead a different life than that when I was working, full of non guilt pleasing entirely myself. My kids left home and started work immediately after graduating themselves.

friend became a SAHM when she had kids. Her dh had international jobs so she “trailed” him. Eventually returned to uk when eldest kid was 13 to start private secondary here in uk. Her kids went to uni, and then came home. 2 are still at home despite being in their late 20s. Only 1 has flown the nest. Her dh now works part time at an extremely senior level on board, picks and chooses his hours. In the meantime, she is STILL doing all the cooking, cleaning , emotional labour and generally at everyone’s, especially dhs, beck and call in the same way as she has for last 30 plus years. I asked her when she was going to retire form being “SAHM” and let the “darlings “ in her life (or in my view self entitled kids/spouse) pull their own weight and allow her to do the things she has always wanted to do for herself. But nope, that appears to not be on her radar. I can still see her “looking after” her dh when she’s 70, 80 cos this guy has no idea how to cook, clean, shop or manage his emotional labour. And my lovely kind friend won’t call him out.

so if your SAHM has an agreement, when she gave up work, that she would retire at a certain age form those duties and responsibilities, good on her. Her spouse wouldn’t have got where he did without her picking up after him, and her contribution to making their lives as comfortable as possible. Even better if your friend, unlike mine, was bloody smart enough to insist that a pension was still invested for her even if she wasn’t employed outside the home. Too many women end up in pension poverty becuase they don’t think of this.

No perosn should be forced into being the families dogsbody for life. Once spouse retires, they do too. domestic stuff and work is split so thst both individuals can enjoy what they’ve both worked so hard to achieve for their “working” lives.

I was not a SAHM, nor was my mum , but I can bloody appreciate the endless drudge of the worst job in the world if you get taken for granted, and no hope ever of “retiring” form it.

Sorry OP but your post says more about you and your feelings towards her than her. You just sound envious - and so am I! 😂 I'd love to not have to go back to work when my two DC go to pre school. I could live a very fulfilling life without employment and with my interests alone. I also go back to a rewarding career but it's still work and bloody hard - I find being a SAHM both far easier and far more enjoyable.

Agree that she probably knows she gets under your skin. I know a woman like this who always told me my first baby should be in nursery and it gave me the impression I used to irritate her too.

Always find it odd when people claim you can't possible be fulfilled in life without having some sort of career. I can think of hundreds of places I would rather be than at the office, and hundreds of people I would rather spend the hours of 9-5 with than my colleagues. And I don't even mind my job. But I can't imagine that many people, on their death beds, are wishing they had spent more time at the office...

OP's SIL sounds like she has a pretty enviable life, and OP sounds bitter about her own life choices.

If she'd literally never ever worked before, then I guess 'retired' is rather annoying and innacurate a title to coin for yourself. But she did work. You say they were 'little hobby jobs' but to her they were her career.

Someone could be a lunchtime supervisor in a school and only work three hours a week. It wouldn't mean they weren't retired when they stopped working aged 55 plus. If there's a medical reason then people can retire at any age. Not saying that applies to her.

But I don't really see the issue.
You can be retired from being a consultant neurosurgeon, same as if you were a charity shop worker who does two shifts a week.

My job is so interesting that I never want to retire; it's the kind of job a lot of people would do for free, and there's nothing I can think of to do all day every day that would be as interesting. Guess I'm just lucky.

I don’t think you’re grumpy. I think your SIL is using the term retirement when it doesn’t actually apply to her because it is just more socially acceptable than telling people she’s done very little. Retirement is a label that you need to earn. I don’t think it makes you jealous. It’s just observing someone who is freeloading on a status you have worked to get to. Why wouldn’t that be irritating.

I guess that is true you aren't an involved parent or cleaning your house everyday, cooking all the meals and snacks, etc.

Very lucky. I'm envious of you and can't think of many jobs where I'd feel like that, although I always think this about Grace Dent's job on Masterchef! What do you do out of interest?

I'd like to know what her 'little hobby jobs" were. Such a patronising way to describe someones job.

Wrong reply sorry @Jl2014

@NoisyDenimShaker I meant to reply to your last post

It’s not the way people normally speak about it, it’s not a normal use of language which is why the OP finds it odd.

By the time people retire children are often well into adult hood.

I know several women who don’t work because they simply don’t want to. They have the option to opt out of office work and they choose to because they don’t want to deal with all the downsides, and all the deadlines etc.

Not all SAHM are toiling under huge burdens.

And so what if it is easy? What difference does it make to anyone (OP) if someone has had an easy life? I don't see the point you're making in your post, if any?

Obviously people who work still have to parent. My original post said nothing to deny that.

I am a working parent.

Also worth mentioning that a longterm SAHM in a bad relationship is trapped after a certain age, because they've become effectively unemployable. Or maybe worse, they're traded in for a younger model and have a penurious old age. They'll be living with this possibility, however deep the knowledge is buried. As I said above, nothing is free.

Agree with @PureBoggin . And yes, school is childcare. Why do you think we have government funded schools that last most of the day? So that parents can work!

I hope she is smiling and enjoying her lovely life.

OP YABU

I'd love to tell you but it would be very outing if any of the mums I know read Mumsnet, which they probably do!

She's worked maybe 7 or 8 days in the past 30 years. Not consistent , have to turn up and be responsible work.

Not all people who work are toiling under huge burdens.

Women are being run into the ground. No wonder op is furious.

Agree with this. You see it in so many threads on here. I'm due to retire in a couple of years which I'm looking forward to. Would seem weird to "retire" when you've never had a job. I think financial independence is so important but realise not everyone feels the same.