SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

[SacreBleugh]

I have recently retired. I've worked full time my entire career, as well as bringing up 4 kids. I know. Heroic.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 grown up kids. She's had the odd temporary very part time hobby job in the 30 years I have known her. She is now also describing herself as "retired". I'm not sure why I find this irritating.

I totally disagree that managing a household isn't real work. If it wasn't real work then everyone wouldn't get so tired doing it whilst doing an out of the home job, would they?

I'm a lone parent and am both the childcarer, the homemaker and the full time worker. I've got better things to do than piss on the chips of my friends who work part time, or get this, one never worked at all for 25 years. So what? She feels she has missed out. Stop bothering what everyone else is up to...

Today we have this thread where women are being horrible and mocking this woman for no valid reason- tomorrow we'll have the same posters on the 'other' thread harping on about the sisterhood 😒.

I'm in the same situation as the SIL but there is no way I could describe myself as a housewife. If people ask me I say I don't work. Retired sounds wrong but SAHM, housewife or unemployed are all wrong too.

I don't care if people judge me one way or another for not working. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ive done lots of interesting things and lots of things that I am proud of.

She is retired a stay home mom now her children are grown what else do you call that?

What a horrible thread @SacreBleugh just to get women to bitch about one another.

Depending if she worked before children and the ages of her children. Due to Child Benefit she might have more pension protection than people realise.

Looking after other peoples children is work
cleaning other peoples houses is work
providing a service for others is work

Looking after your own children and cleaning your own house is what the vast majority of people do, most people do it around working.

You are being petty. She has identified her career as raising kids. They are now grown and she has completed the job (hopefully successfully), thus she is "retired."

Shame on those saying housework isnt ‘real’ work!! Come on now. Surely we are beyond this bashing in 2024.. womens’ unpaid labour is a huge huge component of our society. Real equality is not about pay checks. I won’t see equality on men’s terms because the truth you’ll never have, or have had, real absolute equality if you are aiming to have (or have had) both children and a career. All choices are valid. And the important thing is that they are our choices to make as women. Don’t slate others’ contributions; they are all valid.

Raising three kids and looking after the home is work, not leisure. It was your choice to have four kids while working full time. More fool you.

I'm with you OP. Retired means permanently stopped working. She never started.

If you go and register a death (I'm a registrar), you get asked for the deceased's occupation. So on the death certificate you'd have "retired teacher", "retired builder", or whatever. If they'd never worked, I'd put housewife or homemaker (not retired). You don't put retired if they haven't retired from an occupation.

I do wonder whether people who think that housework and raising children aren't work, think that nannies and cleaners don't work?

It’s not. It really isn’t. You are justifying yourself, which might be understandable. But sorry, it doesn’t work. The truth disgusts you, no surprise there.

Looking after other peoples children is work
cleaning other peoples houses is work
providing a service for others is work
Looking after your own children and cleaning your own house is what the vast majority of people do, most people do it around working.

It's not what the majority of people do, though. It's free labour that's expected of women, and if we dare to acknowledge its value we're immediately dragged back down.

This thread has been our daily reminder that systemic misogyny depends on women to perpetuate it.

I reckon deep down you want her to refer to herself, or at least be thought of by others, as a "kept woman" as I think the term was when I was young.

I understand your frustration, that you have worked for years to earn your retirement, while she has had it relatively easy, at least as far as you can see. But to be honest, I think most people use the term retired as a shorthand for "we are not working and at our time of life we are not looking for work". No more, no less.

Just take comfort from the fact that periodically she will be asked what she did before she retired, and she will have to say she was a stay at home mum. Personally I think that is a proper job and I don't envy SAHMs at all, but if that's the transparency you are hoping for, I think that will happen.

Divide and rule.

If she's not really had a job/career, her kids have left home, is not retirement age or working, she is a housewife or unemployed.

I would definitely be jealous. I've worked long and hard, and certainly won't be retiring early, if at all, so people who put their feet up after having kids and never work again irritate me no end. I know one person who had one child soon after marrying and never worked again, and someone else who did the same except had two children. The "children" in question are all about 30 now. It's total laziness. What on earth do they DO all day with the kids out of the house and their husband working? Waft around, I suppose. I'm not talking about being a SAHM when the children are little. I'm talking about people who literally never work again, no matter how old their children get. I can't understand how the power imbalance in their marriage doesn't get to them. They must have very easygoing spouses.

A Man Is Not A Plan!

Do you think working parents don’t feed their dc? They have to “finish the typing” and stir the pot. Not simultaneously but consecutively. You don’t get to not feed your kids.

I was a sahm for 8 years to 4dc. It’s harder working with primary school age dc than it is to be at home with 4 under 6. Not that it’s particularly relevant to the OP as the “children” in question have grown up and left home. I usually batch cook so I don’t have to stir the pot every night but I do feed all my children all of their meals. A few hours of after school clubs and holiday clubs while you work does not constitute “outsourcing parenting”.

It's not what the majority of people do, though. It's free labor that's expected of women

I love and enjoy raising my children, i don't consider it "labour" the way my job is.

It's sad that you think your time and effort has so little value.

I doubt OP was cooking dinner for four children, stirring the pot with her left hand, whilst simultaneously typing with the right.

That was pretty much what i did tonight.

Ok, so is this a UK problem then? It’s expected of women? Because it’s certainly not a women only problem where I come from, or the countries around. From here it sounds liks UK is from the stone age. Not sure how you can join the rest of us.

It will be expected of women if they continue to decide to either drastically cut back from work or leave their jobs altogether. It certainly isn’t going to help change society’s expectations.

It isn’t something only I do in my house.

It's sad that you think your time and effort has so little value

Value is not always measured in money.