In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

@violetsunriseAnd shouldn’t the father have that too from his parents? He could (& likely would) be emotional after what he’s just witnessed and in need of support!

Oh I never said otherwise. But I think the woman’s wishes should be respected given she’s the one that’s actually given birth and has the recovery, hormones etc to deal with. The father could always pop round to his parents when visiting is finished if he needed the support. Having a son myself, I’m sure his mum would love to have him to fuss over.

Give over. No one turns up when you're in hospital and are full of stitches. That's not the joyous time. Wait for the new family to get back to their own house and at least let the mum have a shower and a proper meal before turning up.

OP, absolutely not being unreasonable. You poor thing. What a fractious start to motherhood. I'd say use them when they come visit once you're home. Let them hold the baby and you go shower, eat, nap etc. Absolutely do not feel like you need to host them.

YANBU!

Honest to god the audacity of some people is astonishing. Firstly the utter lack of respect for a clear boundary that’s been set is shocking. It’s just a sign of things to come if they’re this selfish as soon as the baby has been born. They showed up as they knew if they asked they’d be told no so to get their way they just did what they wanted to knowing you couldn’t do anything about it.

To then help herself to your brand new baby with zero regard for what you’re comfortable with as a new mum whose just met her baby less than 24 hours ago is so unacceptable. It is completely normal to feel protective and uncomfortable with others handling your baby. This is an instinctual reaction and it’s very distressing as a new mum having to deal with people who don’t respect that.

I hate how emotionally charged the arrival of a new baby is as people cease to see any common sense and forget that the only people that matter are the parents. They are all the baby wants and needs and it is THEIR baby. Not the grandparents baby, not the aunties baby, the parents. Any contact family have is at the parents discretion and acting like an entitled arsehole is a sure fire way to create a situation where the parents do end up keeping you at arms length as any contact you have you overstep.

Then not to mention that giving birth is exhausting at best and often traumatic. The thought of having to see your in-laws when you’ve just been through that, slapping a smile on your face and putting up with being ignored and disrespected…nope.

The baby doesn’t care if they met their grandparent 1 day, 1 week or 1 month after they entered the world. Wanting to meet the baby and ‘bond’ with it is such an overstep in itself, she’s acting as if you’re withholding her possession.

Congratulations on your little one, I hope your partner is enthusiastically setting the boundaries they should be setting with their parents as these next few weeks will be such a rollercoaster and dealing with a MIL’s unreasonable expectations and the pressure you’ll feel because of them is the last thing you need. It’s not your job to do that, they’re not your parents!

Same here.
Tho my parents did mention that it was ok, at times, if overwhelmed, to leave the baby crying for a short while to have a wee, showering etc. which was helpful (to me).

Honestly, no-one needs to be bonding with the baby other than the mother in the first month at least. Ridiculous thing to say.

Aye, I mean the dad may as well not bother either...

What a silly and freaky rather sad view IMO.

What a bloody miserable way to think.

I feel really sorry for grandparents and in-laws when I read threads like this - imagine being banned from meeting your grandchild for a month!

And then posters wonder why nobody offers to babysit or help with childcare down the line, or why grandma doesn't bother to come and visit anymore.

Depends on the dynamic and if such family will help or hinder during a massive time of change.

Too many tend to ignore that the mother has birthed a baby/babies and just because it is normal, doesn’t mean the wants of family members trump the needs of the mother and baby/babies.

The assumption that everyone has lovely family members that respect boundaries is unrealistic.

The assumption that giving access to one’s newborn baby/children to family members guarantees childcare and bonding is ridiculous and many find that out the hard way.

The assumption that giving access to one’s newborn baby/children to family members guarantees childcare and bonding is ridiculous and many find that out the hard way.

I didn't say that access meant guaranteed childcare though.

What I did say was that if you insist on excluding people for weeks on end then you can't turn around and act surprised when those same people don't make you a priority when you need help down the line.

Families in general require compromise and you can't have it all your way after the birth and expect everyone to just suck it up and accept it - relationships don't work like that and I see so many threads on here from women who want it all their way and then get upset because their MIL wants nothing to do with them several years later.

She's not appreciating your boundaries heee. Make your DH sort this out, give them a date and time to come over for half an hour / whatever works FOR YOU. Get your DH to ensure boundaries, and ask them to make themselves a drink if they want anything. Good luck!
You will have dreadfully bonkers hormones but everyone needs to be aware that they don't take over or break boundaries etc

If MIL don't want to help later that's their loss. New parents shouldn't have to people please with a newborn as a game to have support later.

I had similar issues with my in-laws when my first was born. It’s hard to understand if you haven’t experienced it. At its peak mine wanted to be round 3 times a week luckilymy husband told them to calm down a bit. Really showed their true colours after that- quite unpleasant.
it’s a very difficult one to balance. I know some
people say but it’s his parents- I say in the first few weeks you are recovering, exhausted, hormones making you a tad mental. They can wait a while. You aren’t saying they are banned for a year, just a week or two!

I find it quite depressing that so many people consider it "people pleasing" to allow their in-laws to visit their new baby.

Isn't it normal for grandparents to meet their grandchild? For husbands to want their parents involved in such an important event? I can't imagine sitting there and telling my husband that his parents can't meet our baby for a week or a month - they would understandably be absolutely devastated and I wouldn't expect our relationship to ever recover, tbh.

Of course, having people visit is no guarantee of support down the line (and I never said it was) but IMO you can't exclude someone for weeks at a time and then get upset when they show little interest going forward.

I also wonder if all the people saying "they can wait a couple of weeks" would really be okay with their adult sons saying "sorry mum, you can't meet your grandchild yet, it's our time with them"

Of course they wouldn’t lol. Zero critical thinking going on here.

Lets hope your son(s) say that to you too.

lol exactly @CocoDC - i also think if someone posted that their DIL wouldn't let them meet the baby for a week, there would be a shit load of comments about how selfish she is!

@coffeesaveslives @CocoDC my parents and MIL were fine with it. We FaceTimed them to say hello and they came over after a week or so when we weren’t quite so shell shocked from the new arrival and it was a bit more relaxed. I was more mobile a week after my c section and happier to receive guests when I wasn’t feeling so ropey.
when I have DC2 I’ll be applying the same rule- this time more to get DC1 to be used to her new sibling.
you do you, I’ll do me and we’ll can all be happy 😉

In fairness, I did have visitors in hospital, after ds1 was born, when I had an episiotomy and loads of stitches, and I was really happy to do so. My lovely PIL came, and so did my sister.

But just because I was happy to have visitors, I don't think every woman should be - it is a personal choice, and everyone should respect that.

Yes, God forbid a woman, after going through one of the biggest events in her life, thinks that she should get to prioritise herself, ever! I mean her husband did his bit, he ejaculated into her vagina, so deserves just as much say in those few days after birth, as the woman who created and birthed the baby. If her parents want to come to the hospital to make sure their daughter is OK after a traumatic birth, then of course his mum should be there too to hold his hand after the huge, painful, sometimes life threatening event he's just been through...

🙄
Women are allowed to put themselves first sometime, it's amazing how many people have a problem with that.

I nearly died during 2 of my births. I had to be resuscitated and put into intensive care on one side of the hospital and DC (both times) were in nicu on the other side. DH is a doctor but even he struggled. In that situation it was more important for his mums (he has mil and smil who he’s close to) to come and support him than it was mine. As I was already well supported by nurses / midwives / him.

So all this talk about women nearly dying and their DP needing to be there is absolutely being peddled by women who never experienced the situation. In real life support in such a situation needs to be provided to the DH / DP as they’re doing the leg work

I doubt she'll be forcing herself on any future DiL who has just given birth, 3 times a week. You know DiLs are actual human beings with their own needs, not just disposable incubators for your grandkids? So selfish to prioritise yourself over a new mum.

So you're saying it is wrong for women to put their needs first because your husband needed his mum?! That makes no sense. Also I thought your point was all about meeting the baby, so your husbands parents met the baby before yours, but it's OK when its that way around?

My mil and smil brought home made food for him, clothes for the baby, when the doctors thought I was going to die they comforted him, sorted all the colostrum syringes that I’d brought in so baby could be offered my bm as I wanted. Smil stayed in the waiting area near where I was to keep dh updated on my progress while he gave skin-to-skin and mil sorted out the birth certificates. Nobody’s priority was ‘meeting the baby’ but supporting the parents as it ALWAYS is when mum nearly dies in childbirth.

I think most mums in the UK experience nowhere close to the experience I did and so yes, they absolutely can get in laws to visit before the baby turns 1 month old like Op’s dil did.