In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

Ha!

I'm lucky enough only to be a MIL to young men! But I did have a wonderful MIL and it pains me to read such frequent unfair generalisations about MILs on this board.

I'm proud that my DDs treat their MILs well and fairly, even where they're quite different people. And I'm pleased to say that my sons in law treat me with thoughtfulness and great tolerance!

But yep, it's not just on MIL threads that you'll find me challenging generalisations, unfairness and irrationality. Clearly you just notice the MIL ones!

Yeah, cos she's got an alert on rofl!

Here's the difference.

You have described people who don't want to accept visitors in hospital after childbirth as mean and cruel. You are responding negatively to anyone who has shared their own experiences of choosing not to invite family to the hospital, and responding positively to anyone who has said they did. You have appointed yourself as the arbiter of right/wrong good/bad.

I think it is a choice.

OMG ...and he's not now an ex?
I would've checked myself and baby into a hotel room and left that weak excuse for a man with his mummy and daddy. Obviously can't say no to them and definitely hasn't got your back.

That's what I said. My very first reply to you was "Babies aren't (different), but science and social norms are". To which you replied that i was being patronising and ignorant. 🤣 Get down from your high horse and stop thinking you know everything just because you had babies 30 y ago. Jeez so glad you aren't a grandparent to my kids.

To put a little perspective on this situation, maybe try to imagine that they will be grandparents for years to come and will give your child help and support for decades. I know that’s hard to do when you have a tiny baby. And it doesn’t excuse them not following your wishes.

Breast feeding was pushed way harder in the last 80s and 90s then it is now. It was pretty much a sin not to, whereas now 'fed is best' and midwives are much more tolerant of choices.

Any changes that have happened in the last thirty-odd years are tweaks rather than big changes. The only major change in baby care that I can think of in the last 40 years, is 'back to sleep' which had a massive impact.

As a grandma who's keen not to get things wrong, I've talked with my DD about this stuff, and there's nothing in her parenting world that is significantly different from what mine was.
Of course in both of baby rearing times, not all mothers were the same and there was a range of how fastidiously people followed guidance, or in the way they chose to respond to baby needs. But at a fundamental level, very little is different.

And I think it's cruel and mean, and I am every bit as entitled to my view as you are to yours, even though I don't agree with you.

I haven't "appointed myself an arbiter" of anything - don't be so daft! - I am merely choosing to debate my point of view. And I don't need your permission to do that.

Ageism at its finest! You've picked on my posts and you've picked on @saraclara as you've obviously deemed that as older mums, our views should be sanctioned/ignored. You'll learn!

AGEISM!

I should have seen that one was coming eventually. That's a full house, I'm tapping out.

Well your posts insinuate it heavily. You think older mums don't have a clue, and you are an expert. I've seen it too many times...! sigh

OK I'll bite.

I'll be honest, I haven't been paying attention to any clues that either you or @saraclara have left about your age.

So please do highlight specifically where I have been ageist.

If you don't know, I am not wasting my time telling you.

White hospital bedsheets, obviously. Maybe I bled more than the average postpartum woman?

Of course 😄

OK now I'm definitely out.

Bye-ee!

"They'll be fortunate to have me as a granny and have more consideration towards my feelings". Here it is! It's all about you and how you feel and what you think you know and are entitled to. That's exactly what the OP is complaining about with her own MIL and you're too blind to see you're made of the same cloth.

I by no means believe I know everything because I have young kids, I have never said such a thing. I have only been defending my view that although babies aren't different from what they were 30 years ago, science and social norms are. You don't agree with my examples and experience, fine. I'll get back to my eye rolling and you can get back to feeling falsely offended 😆

YANBU at all op, you're the one who birthed the baby people should be respecting your wishes and not steam rolling over them because they think their wants are more important than yours.

Plenty of time to see the baby when you've had a rest and feel better, I'm getting quite sick of this toxic culture where in-laws or even the mothers own parents think they have some weird right to do as they wish, it's really damaging and causes so much stress for a new mum and dad which in turn is not good for the baby at all.

It's not their baby fgs and why can't they be emotionally mature about boundaries, people need to back off.

I understand how you’re feeling but you’re being U.

FWIW my family did the same and there is a photo of my sister taking my baby out of the cot without my say so and it’s one of my absolute favourite photos (even though I’m in the background looking awful!).

It was pure love that made her grab my baby and there was no malicious intent at all.
Me and my sister didn’t get on at all but she just fell in love with my DC the second she saw them.

You will look back and be grateful that they came and that you have other people wanting to see your child and love them.

Do you have parents?

Your comments are so vile and aggressive. You constantly accuse others of doing what you are actually doing, i.e. shutting down anyone who disagrees with you or has a different experience to you. Sorry you feel the need to do so in order to debate your views. Good luck to you!

🙄

You can roll your eyes, but your comments are so insulting and vile, one even got deleted by MNHQ 🫡

What about them? As the person that’s just given birth, if she wants a bit of reassurance and comfort from her own parents why shouldn’t she have them in to visit.

When our DGS was born DDIL a FaceTimed us when she was still in recovery from her C-section. She was propped up in bed with DGS down her shirt doing skin to skin. DS2 had asked her if she wanted to wait a while but she said no, she wanted everyone to see him as soon as possible. We don’t live near by, but her mum popped up to the hospital for half an hour the day he was born. She did say to me I would have been welcome, too, had I have been near.

We waited until we were invited to go to visit. It was only a couple of days after he was born ,because she said her friends were chomping at the bit to meet DGS but she wouldn’t let them until we had. When we visited we stayed in a hotel, I did laundry, made meals, got a takeaway and helped out with what they needed.

Our DDIL had a wonderful relationship with all her grandparents, but unfortunately she lost both her grandmothers (her only remaining grandparents) while she was pregnant, so she wants DGS to have a good relationship with all his grandparents. Not only that she knows how close we are to DS2.

I absolutely adore my DDIL, she is a wonderful mother to DGS. She’s very fair and reasonable and we get along well. It makes everything a lot easier for everyone.