In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

30 years ago there was a botulism epidemic caused by honey. I remember as mum made me throw all of ours out. They would never have been advised to give to babies in the UK.

Just because your MIL is ignorant doesn't mean all women who had babies 30 years ago!!

And just because you would be comfortable with family members turning up at hospital unannounced after you've given birth doesn't mean all women would be. You see how that works @mayorofcasterbridge ?

Well said!

I bet they were disappointed not to see the baby sooner but wouldn't have dared to say so.

Now you absolutely DID have something to complain about. Your DH was an actual tit and so were your ILs!

Absolutely. I don't get this MN thing about MIL's only seeing their DILs as vessels. My MIL was absolutely concerned about me and had apparently been really worried about me when she knew I was in labour. When she visited she was so tender and caring to me, as well as being bowled over by the presence of her grandchildren.

This place is awful for ridiculous generalisations.

That wasn't advice from 30 years ago at all.
40 years ago I carried my baby in a sling and knew not to give her honey

It's heartening to see someone with a bit of common sense.

I wasn't close to my MIL but I wouldn't ever have excluded her. (FIL did that all by himself, but that's another story). I lost my shit when my youngest was 3 days old, she held him, and when she left he stank so much of cigarette smoke that I had to bath and change him. I didn't say a word to her though. It was what it was, and she was excited to meet him.

Some of you would probably have had her locked up!!

Just wanted to say that I had really similar feelings towards my MIL after I had my son. She was being objectively annoying - told us they didnt like the name we picked, would turn up unannounced all the time, wouldn't give me my baby back when he was crying. Really annoying stuff. But the vitriol I had for her was unreal, I had never hated someone so much I think it might have been hormones and protective instincts kicked in. I just wanted her to F**K off! So yeah, I can really relate.

I started to feel better towards her eventually, and I even think the relationship she has with my son is lovely now, so it hopefully wont last forever. My advice would be tell your husband how you are feeling, bitch to your friends about it, keep your distance for a bit and but mostly let your husband handle them.

My kids are 37 and 35. And baby slings were standard equipment.

Baby-centred mothering was absolutely a thing in the late '80s. Penelope Leach was my guru. The gentle parenting advocates stand on her shoulders

WTF? Nobody saw me "randomly bleed" - I was in bed in hospital when they came to see us!

@Babyybabyyy Why on earth would they see you bleed? Do they usually look in your knickers?

I suppose it was sixteen years ago since I had DD1 & fourteen for DD2. My DM, DMIL, DSIL, work colleagues all came to the hospital to meet the babies. I had C sections & was off my head on morphine straight after but it never occurred to me that friends/family & anyone wanting a nose around The Portland wouldn’t be visiting 😂 My Dsis dashed across London in her lunch break, spent ten minutes and took the tube straight back. My other Dsis came after work and was feeding the babies in their first photos. I loved all the visitors … it was such a happy time for everyone 😊

The presence or absence of a blanket for a short while is definitely not life-changing.

Lots of divided opinions here..
I personally think: your body, your baby, your home, your rules. If they don’t like your boundaries, they’re the ones to lump it!
Hope things settle down and they give you the time you need to heal.

No, it doesn't work at all. It's not a difficult imposition to have grandparents visit in hospital for a short time. Not of ours lived near so they weren't on our doorstep daily or anything, so we had plenty of time.

And I don't know how that snarky little comment relates to the quote you referred to from my post??

@saraclara do you have an alert set for MN threads with MIL/DIL in the title? You're on all of them.

Anyway, I made the comment about women being vessels in response to the many passive aggressive 'did your parents go to hospital?' questions directed at OP. The underlying message being that if the OPs parents were there, then PIL are entitled to be there too. It appears these people (and perhaps you too) have forgotten that childbirth can be a frightening and traumatic experience for women, and that we may want our mothers there in a supporting capacity during or after birth. Instead of considering the perspective of a woman who is recovering from a major medical event and thrown immediately into motherhood, they seem to more concerned with whether or not both set of grandparents will get equal access to the child and how quickly it can happen.

THAT'S why I said women are seen as vessels.

When I had my DC3, it was an extremely fast labour, he was nearly born in the car and we ended up getting to hospital 8 minutes before he arrived. It was all so fast that afterwards I went into shock and I couldn't stop shaking violently for 45 minutes. Also I had absolutely nothing on my bottom half except a sheet as my pyjamas bottoms (which I'd gone to hospital in as I woke up in labour and no time to change) were covered in blood and gunk.

My in-laws turned up on the labour ward, because when DH rang them to tell them he had been born they said they had plans that day but could "squeeze in a quick trip to hospital" on their way out. They didn't ask, and they also turned up with MILs guide dog, so all 3 trooped into the delivery room.

I remember feeling absolutely shell-shocked that they felt that was appropriate without even asking first. It felt like a huge invasion of my privacy and I still to this day (DC is now 14) remember how uncomfortable it made me. Even the midwives were taken aback at the sense of entitlement they displayed (not just by turning up, in general while they were there).

I was happy for them to visit me in hospital because they're DH's parents and therefore as significant to DC's life as my parents, so I suppose it depends on whether your parents were allowed to visit or not, and on the general relationships within the family. I don't think it's fair to treat one set of parents differently if all relationships are "normal" (whatever that means!). I have sons and daughters and I would be dreadfully hurt if my sons and DILs allowed her parents to visit a new baby who was as much my GC as theirs, and we weren't allowed. However I also think I would have taken it up with my son rather than turn up univited and risk damaging the relationship further.

Ultimately, as new parents, if you have set a ground rule it should be respected. And even my older DC asked before picking their new sibling up, whereas my in-laws did exactly what yours did and it did irritate me a little, especially as DC was about 50 minutes old at the time. However I also reminded myself that I was hormonal and very emotional and satisfied myself with screaming into a pillow. Have you always got on well with them up to this point? In which case is it something you will be able to get past?

Ignorant to say that society and science have changed in the last 30 years?! 🤣

And that to me is all very normal, and very special. Happy memories!

Yes, because when it comes to having babies, it hasn't changed to anywhere near the extent you appear to think it has! 🙄😂😅

Look how many stupid (and wrong!) comments that have already been made!

It's nothing to do with you which threads @saraclara is on!! Why shouldn't a poster with experience of being a MIL post on threads that are relevant to her? You aren't the MN police, you know.

And you must have that alert too, seeing as you apparently know she is on them all!

It relates because you're saying that not all MIL give dodgy parenting advice (presumably there's a spectrum) but seem to be incapable of recognising that not all women want to see visitors in the hospital after birth (or rather the ones who prefer not to are 'mean and cruel' to quote one of your other replies). Why is one so black and white but not the other? Who made you the authority on what is right and wrong?

Of course it has! Look at breastfeeding/feeding (musinderstanding of bf after 1 year old or older, starting babies on solid at 4mo even younger ...) or even sleep practices (my mom always tells me how the advice was to put babies on their front or side to sleep when my big brother was born in the early eighties!!!). And yes, family dynamics and social norms have changed. Quite telling that you refused to accept that

Probably the same person who made you!