To tell family member that her husband is sending me nudes?

[5FeetToBeExact]

Hi all,

I'll preface this by saying DH's family are very toxic. This couple for this thread are his god parents and also his uncle (blood) and aunt (through marriage.)

They've always overstepped, been overly involved and just a pain in the arse. But I always kept it polite, kept up with the once a year visit and that was that. They are all heavy drinkers and a few of the family are alcoholics, so it's not something we really enjoy being around but I leave that to DH mostly.

A few years back I completely pulled back as I felt uncomfortable. DH's uncle sent me a picture of his shrivelled 60 year old dick. Waist down. He then quickly said 'sorry that wasn't for you.' I messaged him back saying please don't ever send me anything like that again. He proceeded to delete the image, and said 'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'. I then said 'be glad I didn't see it.' I did, I just didn't want him to know that. He then offered to send it again so I could get another look. I then blocked him and haven't heard from either of them since.

I told my DH who was furious. We kept it to ourselves as the family are big drinkers and can do no wrong.

I received a call last night, with a furious aunt on the phone. Saying how selfish we are not to facilitate a relationship with them and our 4 year old DD. That I am selfish, I manipulate everybody and that I have taken their precious god son and nephew away. I was aghast at some of the things they said, but I ended the call and told them not to contact me again. DH has gone apeshit and has my back completely.
His stance is to send her the screenshots or the messages, with a short 'this is why we aren't comfortable around all of you, as well as the alcohol' and block. I am tempted to do this, as the names I were called last night and the things said were unforgivable. I would also want to know if I was her that her husband was sending dick pics to people 40 years his junior!

AIBU to send the messages and be done? Or is this asking for trouble? At advice please. Thank you!

It’s a bit jermey Kyle. Her poor husband as well he been really good through all this

Maybe the police need reminding that Wayne Counzens (one of their own) was reported for exposing himself days before he went to murder Sarah Everard. I'm not saying this is going to happen to you OP (god forbid) but it just goes to show it is a very very serious concern and not something to be dismissed. So infuriating that they are not taking this more seriously OP 💐

This

To me it sounds like the bizarre call from his wife has something to do with this. He probably told her some made up story about you not wanting them there for Xmas (due to his complete shocking behaviour obs) and shifted the blame onto you.

If there's a toxic-in-laws WhatsApp or similar, I'd put screenshots of every inappropriate message on there, with pictures removed (describe instead), so that everyone knows what's going on. With instruction to take out their own trash and for none of them to contact me again. Make it public within the family. This behaviour thrives on secrecy and collusion and abuse of power, so take it all away from them.

I have zero tolerance for abusive shite being tracked through my life.

I'd also report to the police and show them the originals. If the police don't take it seriously, complain. Who knows what else he has done, or is currently doing, or may do if not dealt with now.

Sorry to hear this OP, was hoping it was just him and that she could finally be free of him in some ways.
But guess they're as bad as each other.

Please don't let one police officer put you off.
I reported an incident many moons ago with no evidence, just my word against his and they took it very seriously.

Hopefully even if they don't mention the pic in their call, it will give uncle and aunt a fright.

Glad too you have an understanding husband, bros living close by and your dad helping out.

You don't need such people in your life.

@5FeetToBeExact Police here and I like to think one that genuinely cares.

I would await an update.
Ask what crime is being recorded and what crimes will be investigated. There is harassment and sending indecent photographs to cause distress. If threats have been to both you and your husband ensure you both have individual crimes / statements.
If you wish to see an another officer contact 101 and ask to make a complaint. Professional standards will contact you and progress as you wish.

Ultimately the crime may be closed but if that is the case ask why it isnt being taken to CPS.

Any further contact from the relatives call 101 and have them logged.

Take care x

I would be concerned that he could potentially be abusing someone.

If he sends a younger family member these pictures, where else is he sending them?

I think you have a duty to report them somewhere (111 maybe?)

Sorry - I can see the police are already involved.

Regarding you repeating what happened to you with being abused. I reported what happened to me and it was about 30 years after it happened. He went to prison. Don't assume it is too late or you won't be believed.

I am sorry 💐

I hope the police actually step up and do something useful for you.

I agree with your husband.

Yup.

I had threats of sexual violence (not rape) made against me by a teenager at work. Police Scotland's finest: "Oh, but does a boy of that age really understand what that means?"

@WearyAuldWumman

Noooo, did the police really say that to you? That's fucking appalling. I'm so sorry 😔

Did you complain?

I'm so sorry you went through that and that's so brave to report and take it to court. Maybe I will find the strength one day to report the CSA. I really hope he rotted away in prison and I hope you're at peace with everything. It never leaves your mind for too long though does it. I can't imagine it was an easy process to follow through with.

I'm really sorry if this is too personal and if it's too much please don't worry about responding, but what happened or what caused you to report it? I'm really trying to build up the courage I just don't think I can.

Thank you. Thank you for all you do and for caring.

Really useful reply - will take on board your advice.

I was going to PM you but decided to be brave as it's not my shame. It has taken me nearly 40 years to get to this point.

He was my foster carer. I reported it to my social worker. Police got involved a few months later but I didn't understand a question and answered it the opposite of what I would have meant. The police were terrible. Years later I went to a civil court. He was found to have done it. I then went to the police. It went to court. He eventually pleaded guilty after making me give evidence. Dead now but he served time and everyone knew. It was on the front page of the papers and I expect would have made the nationals if not for a terrorist attack.

I am not going to lie, it was hard work, stressful and upsetting but I owed it to her, to me, and everyone had to accept he lied, not me.

I’m utterly underwhelmed with the police officer’s response. How heartbreaking that another woman would minimize your distress like that.

AND please never ever ever leave your child alone with them. EVER!!! NOT NOW NOT EVER !! Even if one day things might seem to be better than now, never!! Such uncles need to stay the f away from any girls!!!

@5FeetToBeExact

If you’re further put off by the police, I’d suggest you say, ”I’d appreciate speaking to someone less condescending and more respectful of my situation, please. If you aren’t willing to take me seriously, please find someone who will.”
And then don’t say another word — look at the person right in the eyes and wait for them to respond.
Nobody deserves this level of disrespect.

I just read the bit about you reporting that you were SA'd as a child? Unfortunately, because it's "historical" there's not much you can do. My husband reported his abuse from his stepdad around 8 years ago, it was a hung jury. It only went as far as the court because there was another person who had reported him. Usually, if it's historical, they can't do much! It's shit, i was sexually abused by my great uncle as a child. It's not worth going to the police about it because they won't do jack!

I didn't complain, I'm afraid. In Scotland, under 16s are dealt with by the Children's Panel, for the most part. I had only hoped that someone would have a quiet word with the miscreant.

Absolutely send the screen shots.

This is not true. As referenced by me getting the man who abused me into court and then prison, nearly 30 years after the events.

It'll send a clear message, and if they were that vitriolic then they've kind of forced your hand.