To tell family member that her husband is sending me nudes?

[5FeetToBeExact]

Hi all,

I'll preface this by saying DH's family are very toxic. This couple for this thread are his god parents and also his uncle (blood) and aunt (through marriage.)

They've always overstepped, been overly involved and just a pain in the arse. But I always kept it polite, kept up with the once a year visit and that was that. They are all heavy drinkers and a few of the family are alcoholics, so it's not something we really enjoy being around but I leave that to DH mostly.

A few years back I completely pulled back as I felt uncomfortable. DH's uncle sent me a picture of his shrivelled 60 year old dick. Waist down. He then quickly said 'sorry that wasn't for you.' I messaged him back saying please don't ever send me anything like that again. He proceeded to delete the image, and said 'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'. I then said 'be glad I didn't see it.' I did, I just didn't want him to know that. He then offered to send it again so I could get another look. I then blocked him and haven't heard from either of them since.

I told my DH who was furious. We kept it to ourselves as the family are big drinkers and can do no wrong.

I received a call last night, with a furious aunt on the phone. Saying how selfish we are not to facilitate a relationship with them and our 4 year old DD. That I am selfish, I manipulate everybody and that I have taken their precious god son and nephew away. I was aghast at some of the things they said, but I ended the call and told them not to contact me again. DH has gone apeshit and has my back completely.
His stance is to send her the screenshots or the messages, with a short 'this is why we aren't comfortable around all of you, as well as the alcohol' and block. I am tempted to do this, as the names I were called last night and the things said were unforgivable. I would also want to know if I was her that her husband was sending dick pics to people 40 years his junior!

AIBU to send the messages and be done? Or is this asking for trouble? At advice please. Thank you!

Are you for real? This 60 year old married uncle of OP's husband sends photos of his cock and you're out here playing Devil's advocate that maybe it WAS for someone else (who? Not his own wife presumably!)

The original was intended for private use? 😂

As if OP would be just as bad if she forwards on his skanky messages to his own wife! Wouldn't you want to know if it was your DH?

I hope the police are supportive and justice is done. I am glad to read of your DH being supportive.

She is upset you have cut them out

She deserves to know why

Don't protect the slease

Correct action to report and ask for every threat against you to be taken very seriously.
I think you should make a full statement.
They are scum and he is a predator.

You are right to block them, and also completely within your rights to report him to the police. What he did is illegal.

Another update.

Police been and gone. The threats were from both.

They have said the picture was 'obviously a joke' and I 'obviously took it the wrong way' and he would 'never want to expose himself to his nephews wife.'

I have to say I'm really disappointed with the police. It was a woman who turned up, she took mine and DHs statement but it wasn't an 'official' statement. More of a 'what happened.' I played the recordings and she said most people in our situation just log it, and don't go any further. She offered to call them. She found them pretty easily so he is know to the police. She said she will call them and ask them to go away. If I really wanted I could press further meaning an investigation and phones taken for investigation. I said yes to this! She said she will speak to the inspector to see if it's worth doing but it's ultimately my choice.

Even more disappointing.. I showed her the dick pick chat. I said I would like to report this and she said 'this isn't the main concern here, I can note it down but we'll concentrate on the threats.'

I'm feeling so defeated. Why isn't there more support and more consequences for sending unsolicited nude photos? So when she calls them, I don't think the nude will be brought up which is what I wanted from this.

My dad is fitting me a ring door bell tomorrow. My parents and 2 brothers live very nearby so I feel safe with those close by. Safer with them than the bloody police! I'm grateful someone came out but it's a sad state of affairs that I was advised not to bother with the dick pic. Especially from a woman officer.

Send them to her , ask if he sent them to the wrong person !!!

You literally HAVE TO do this.

Also, report him to the police.

Read the updates :) x

Let your husband send them.

I didn’t know worse in laws existed than my ex ones!

This is a very poor response.
Sounds to me like the police can't be arsed with the paperwork.

Have you said "I would like to make a statement"?

I would ask them for information about making a complaint if they continue to brush you off.

Yes, I said I want to make an official statement and so did DH!

I'm waiting on a call back, I'm guessing that's to see what the inspector said and to try and persuade me not to, but we are doing statements and we are going to formally report the dick pic.

I'm hoping it was just a crap police officer. Hopefully someone else can help. Can you ask for a different officer?

I’m glad you have reported them and I think you should pursue charges for harassment/a non-molestation order.

Unfortunately, from an evidence standpoint, you would have needed to retain the photo to prove what what send. He deleted it. Any sensible person can read between the lines and assume what was in that photo, but without the evidence, it could have been a cat meme or something. The police will want to push through what is actually likely to have a chance from a evidentiary standpoint.

Hopefully, a stern talking to will at least mean they leave you alone. And best case scenario, they look at his phone and find evidence of something they could prosecute him for. I doubt this is the only time he’s done something like this.

I missed this out of the OP as I was trying to keep it vague, but when he said 'I'll leave the rest to your imagination' a couple of lines before that, he did say 'it was a naked picture.' It's hard to explain without writing out the whole conversation but there is confirmation that it was a naked picture. Not a dick pic but a naked one if that helps!

How can a shrivelled dick pic be a joke and be taken "the wrong way" when it's there in your face? And he might not want to expose himself to his nephew's wife now but he certainly did before ! What a creep.

And that police officer sounds a complete waste of space. I'd seriously consider making a complaint about her. Doesn't sound as though she could be arsed with anything.

Unfortunately I have had similar experience with the police regarding images sent like this. They gave absolutely no fucks. The law is useless.

oh YUCK. no, if someone within the wider family sent me nudes, I would definitely tell all.
if he hadn't followed up his message saying it wasn't meant for you by being sleazy, I'd laugh it off as a very embarrassing for him accident, but the following posts showed clearly that even if he HAD meant to send them to someone else, he was still happy to be creepy about it, instead of saying things like "oh no, I'm SO MORTIFIED. please delete that, I should be more careful I'm really sorry" he was offering to show you more/trying to make you picture more. that's really creepy.

and if that happened to me, I'd out him.

The police can be quite shit with stuff like the dick pic. I've just deleted the whole sorry story I went through with my local police over someone who was a bit more than just a peeping Tom, but it's all me, me, me so back to you. I'm not surprised that they don't want to go there with the dick pic. In a way I wish that every single woman who's ever recieved an unsolicited dick pic reported it to the police so that they could see what an issue it is. Before the internet you could at least go to the police, report a flasher and get some help - although when I got taken to the police by one of the nuns at my school they took all the information but as far as I know nothing ever came of it, so ... - and what is an unsolicited dick pic but flashing?

Blah, blah. I'm hopeful that they'll take the threats of violence more seriously and it's good that they're, or at least pervert uncle's name is known to the police. I'd push them on it to ensure they take it as seriously as it deserves. In the meantime, good on you and your DH for refusing to be bullied by such awful people. It will all work out well for you and him because you have each other and your lovely DD and because you have each other's backs.

They have said the picture was 'obviously a joke' and I 'obviously took it the wrong way' and he would 'never want to expose himself to his nephews wife.'

This is a shocking response from the police and I would complain. I’m fed up with heating how women and their concern are constantly dismissed.

The pic was NOT obviously a joke, it clearly obviously was not. In what circumstances is it ok for a relative to send his nephew’s wife a dick pic?

You ‘obviously took it the wrong way’? Really? How would the police officer like people to respond to receiving unsolicited, unwanted dick pics?

And on what evidence are they basing their comment that sleazy uncle ‘would never want to expose himself to his nephew’s wife’? They cannot know this! And actually, that’s exactly what he has done!

Send them to the police

Cyber flashing is still flashing. They won't ever listen to you and will put it about endlessly that you're the problem. Time in court will stop that.

Go to the police

This was so lovely to read I'd made me tear up. Thank you. ❤️

I'm so sorry that you've had shit dealing with the police, it's a lonely feeling knowing the law isn't on our side for women specifically.

I read something the other day and it said 'it's not all men, but it's ALWAYS men.' And that resonated. I was SA'd as a child and never told a soul about it. Family friend at the time. I wrote a thread probably nearly a year ago, looking for advice on whether I should report. After the nonchalant attitude of the officer today, I don't think I ever will. Nobody knows apart from DH and the posters that read that thread, which is now gone from 30 days only.

We have so, so far to go. And I'm so grateful I have a DH who recognises this and supports this.

Kindly, ready updates

Sorry, I probably didn't make it clear. This is what the wife is saying.

I think she's in denial, or she's aware. Very aware, but covering as she's so embarrassed.
Either way it's grim isn't it!