To tell family member that her husband is sending me nudes?

[5FeetToBeExact]

Hi all,

I'll preface this by saying DH's family are very toxic. This couple for this thread are his god parents and also his uncle (blood) and aunt (through marriage.)

They've always overstepped, been overly involved and just a pain in the arse. But I always kept it polite, kept up with the once a year visit and that was that. They are all heavy drinkers and a few of the family are alcoholics, so it's not something we really enjoy being around but I leave that to DH mostly.

A few years back I completely pulled back as I felt uncomfortable. DH's uncle sent me a picture of his shrivelled 60 year old dick. Waist down. He then quickly said 'sorry that wasn't for you.' I messaged him back saying please don't ever send me anything like that again. He proceeded to delete the image, and said 'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'. I then said 'be glad I didn't see it.' I did, I just didn't want him to know that. He then offered to send it again so I could get another look. I then blocked him and haven't heard from either of them since.

I told my DH who was furious. We kept it to ourselves as the family are big drinkers and can do no wrong.

I received a call last night, with a furious aunt on the phone. Saying how selfish we are not to facilitate a relationship with them and our 4 year old DD. That I am selfish, I manipulate everybody and that I have taken their precious god son and nephew away. I was aghast at some of the things they said, but I ended the call and told them not to contact me again. DH has gone apeshit and has my back completely.
His stance is to send her the screenshots or the messages, with a short 'this is why we aren't comfortable around all of you, as well as the alcohol' and block. I am tempted to do this, as the names I were called last night and the things said were unforgivable. I would also want to know if I was her that her husband was sending dick pics to people 40 years his junior!

AIBU to send the messages and be done? Or is this asking for trouble? At advice please. Thank you!

That’s awful what happened to you and the police response is woeful and sadly predictable. There was an article by a bbc female reporter who documented her 2 year fight to get police to act on obscene and threatening phone calls she had received (and recorded). Eventually resulted in court case and apology from police. She did rightly point out to police that acts like this which police continually minimise are often the initial steps of serious sexual assault, this happened with Wayne Cousins who was charged with these offences and 3 days later murdered Sarah. It makes me so angry that these red flags aren’t dealt with far more seriously.

What is wrong with them. And the women who enable them. And the police who minimise and fail to do anything about them.

If DH has your back ask him to deal with his family. He can tell them the reasons and they are more likely to listen to him than you. If they don't believe him, he can send the photos and conversation thread or show in person. Either they are going to be furious with the uncle or, my bet, they just say 'oh he does that to everyone; ha ha you shouldn't be so touchy". Have a game plan for both eventualities.

Screen shots to the family group- sit back and enjoy. What absolute weirdos. Wouldn’t want that man near my kids at al.

Yes, the excellent points you've already made and Lucy Manning's story are exactly what I came on to share with OP and others 😊: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgwp4059xgo

I've read all your posts, OP, and I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but also very pleased to hear your DH has your back, which is so important. Good for him for forwarding the messages to his aunt and to both of you for making this a police matter to protect yourselves and your DD. The police response is utterly woeful and as BBC reporter, Lucy Manning's story shows, not atypical. 🙄😡 Hopefully, if you have the stomach for it, you can press your case and get a more appropriate and serious response from them going forward. Best of luck! 🤗xx

Others here have mentioned the legal implications, but if he tried to get you charged with revenge porn the police wouldn't have sympathy for him once you can prove he sent them to you unsolicited. Revenge porn laws are only meant to protect people who send intimate images to their partner or someone they're dating, not perverts who send them to harass and intimidate women.

Step away from all that ghastly family, it's time for your husband to take charge of his relatives' behaviour and ensure they don't inflict it on you. He can deal with them. Focus your communication energies on pursuing the police angle.

You can't tell how much of a long thread people will have read when they post. I'm on page 2; I'm done with it now because posting will take me straight to the end. It's just the way Mumsnet works (not very well). Cross-posting and posts that appear to have missed the point because of when they were made are features of these forums.

It's in the original post.

Even if it wasn't, people should be utilising the filter for selecting just the OP's posts, if they don't want to wade through pages of other people's opinions.

Well, the photo sender and his wife are trying to smear campaign my name, as it was now apparently 'meant to go to his football mates' (???) well, I don't think many men send a picture of their dick to their football mates. According to DH it's not something that he's come across!

I'm staying quiet. I am still getting unsolicited calls from WH numbers, and family calling me trying to defend them. DH grabbed my phone and answered and told them to fuck if, hopefully that cuts some ice. He hasn't had any calls since the dick pic emerged.

I have tried emailing the police officer who came to the house to do statements and I haven't heard a thing. I have tried calling 101 but no avail. I've emailed a few times now and I've heard nothing.

It really is a sorry state of affairs, the police force. I at least deserved an update to say the least, not to be completely ghosted.

I'd have probably been more successful seeing my dad and brothers to their door to tell them to back off, but the chances are we would get in trouble for that! Sod's Law hey..

Have the police always been this.. I don't mean to offend, but shit? I am in no way painting all police men and women with the same brush at all, just this one officer I saw. But I see time and time again threads on here where women are victim of crimes and it gets minimised. We have so fucking far to go. I don't think I'll ever get the courage to repeat my CSA, as I really don't think k it'll go anywhere.

It's so, so shit. I'm sorry to everyone else who has been in a similar boat or worse.

But the good news is that my lovely dad has fitted my rather snazzy ring door bell!

Also apologies for the typos. Currently inhaling a jacket spud and mountains of cheese.

Food makes everything better.

I’m really sorry @5FeetToBeExact

dont be disheartened and don’t drop it, things like this happen because people are allowed to get away with it and when the authorities are crap people lose faith and lose the motivation to carry it through. It’s not something you should have to do but please do because you deserve this to be taken forward.

im very glad you seem to have such good family support around you. I hope that helps you to know that this isn’t you!

The officer may well have gone onto two night shifts and then 4 days off, which is the shift pattern in my force. The fact that you haven't heard from her in the five days since she came out to you doesn't mean she's ghosted you or that she's shit - in fact the victim's code states that she should be updating you every 28 days or when something significant happens. Believe me, I am not one for defending shit officers and will always call out an officer that has done a bad job but I would also give them a bit longer than five days for an update as she may not even be working.

PCAMA Can I second that.

Ah, so it was meant to go to his football mates, was it? That would be why he offered to send it to you again then? Yeah right.
Don't worry OP, you know you're in the right here, your husband knows you're in the right here, as do all the decent men in your family. And what's more, if anyone cares to ask, you can share the full WA exchange with them so they can see exactly what "conversation" took place (and even though the dick-pic has been deleted from the chat, the chat itself makes it clear the nature of the photo that repugnant pig sent to you, even if his "charming" wife doesn't want to admit it to herself).
I LOVE the way your DH has your back in this - you've got a good one there! 😊

Witness care in your area should be able to help you.

He meant to send a photo of his penis to his football friends?

That's a different kind of ball game altogether.

There's no way anybody would actually believe that, surely to God.

Oh come off it, it was obviously not sent by mistake. He's an old perv who deserves any consequences that come his way.

Send, block and cut them out of your life.

I would send them and add the message. this receiving this disgusting photo we want nothing more to do with you. We have not AS YET, been to the police.

OR you could read the whole thread, or at least OP's contributions

You’ve already been ‘shot’ by them with that phone call, so surely you may as well now be the messenger?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgwp4059xgo I'm really not surprised by the lack of urgency from the police. I was reading this yesterday. She had to continually contact them and appeal for them to take action.

I guess I like to see the good in people, or at least give them a chance.

Don't know why I hang around on Mumsnet! 😂