Shite 50th

[Cowardlybitch]

For contact, we're lucky to be in a decent position financially. Not loaded but mortgage paid, decent income, we can enjoy not to worry about what we put in shopping basket. Usually a week abroad and a couple of breaks a year. What do I get for my 50th birthday off my husband? Bearing in mind we have been together for 20 years. 2 pairs of merino wool socks that are too big and in hideous colours. Same brand and colours as purchased at Christmas that I asked him not to buy again. In fact, I said no more socks unless they're Bridgedale ones. But apparently they'll shrink to fit. And two small boxes of chocolates from a shop I walk past 3 times a week to go to work and buy myself when I want them. And yes, the socks do in fact shrink - to a size that don't actually fit - as per the Christmas ones.

From friends I have a crap, self-published vegan book from some random off Facebook (full of beige coloured meals) and a collection of kitchen crap from Morrisons homeware section.

When asked what I want, I said to donate to my favourite charity. But no, apparently, I don't want that. I want a collection of wasteful rubbish to take to the charity shop. I don't think the thought counts when there has been no effort whatsoever. I make a real effort with these people and would never buy them something they had expressly asked me not to. Or rubbish from the supermarket. I live in a tiny house - what the fuck would I want with tacky ceramic crap that serves no useful purpose whatsoever? I'm a keen cook - if wanted a spoon rest, I'd already have one. Why the fuck would anyone want a spoon rest - just wipe your worktop? Why give me an "original" recipe book which contains a recipe for soffritto and meals so visually unappealing they look like cow-pats? The purchaser had clearly not bothered to look at it. Why feckin ask me what I want and then tell me I don't want it? Why the fuck do I bother? The two things that make me most cross in the world is money being wasted and talking to myself. I can't believe I'm still surprised at 50 to be reminded, yet again, how fuckin thoughtless people are and I may as well talk to the neighbour's cat as clearly people don't listen to me.

Now I'm stuck with repeat protestations of "I forgot" and "I don't know what to get you" and the poor, "sad me" face because the cruel, mean woman has finally erupted. I'm so incredibly angry. More angry with myself for thinking this would be any different to any of the other lousy, thoughtless birthdays.

Wow. That's unnecessary. My partner now is actually a great gift buyer but if I was in a relationship where things were brilliant but he was useless at presents, I wouldn't be super fussed (and I have been). It would only concern me if it was symptomatic of a wider issue like lack of care or unavailability. I love my friends and family getting me stuff. They won't always be here, so it's just lovely to be thought of!

How did you gauge that? I'm curious, rather than offended. If you could exlapdate that'd be interesting.

Typo! Extrapolate.

@MarvellousMariella1 , Because that is what I think when I get something I don't want. Example, when discussing what you'd like for Christmas, you suggest something useful that would make your life easier. Other person says 'you'll get what you are given'.
Christmas day, you open a present and it's something you neither want or have use for, so you are a bit disappointed and feel insulted.

If I give something and the recipient accepts it with (fake) gratitude, then I'd think they liked it, and might get them the same or similar next year.

Far better IMO, to say tactfully that it's not quite right.
I don't take offence if someone says politely that they don't actually like chocolate/navy jumpers or whatever. I want my present to delight the recipient not make them feel that I hardly know them or don't care.

Because you are making it sound like op should be grateful for literally any old crap someone gives her?

@Cowardlybitch thanks for making me laugh ‘cow pats’ hahahahaha. I know exactly what you mean, not about the value it’s the lack of thought leaving you wondering whether these people know you at all 🫣

Yeah I actually get that. It’s abit like please don’t bother at all- than a shit gift 🤦🏻‍♀️ I have a few gifts I think are great and low cost - like a bottle of fizz or a candle -£5 and I will love and use that. But when people just buy me crap, with no thought then yeah I’m the same. And also with your house - I never buy people things for their house unless you use it (like said candle!) as it’s not my house to clutter up!

Also to add I don’t expect presents- im
Not being spoilt, by my opinion. Me and my friends ditched them years ago and we celebrate by going out instead and spending our money on that. It’s more my in-laws who buy for us by raiding Lidl or Aldi middle asles
and buy me horrendous things with me not in mind. Whilst I try and buy them thoughtful lively gifts , hampers or vouchers for their favourite restaurants! Sometimes my DH would go to a petrol station the night before and get that massive box of lindt chocolates/ that I’m not bothered by and I know he’s now over spent by buying in a rush in a petrol station. I’d prefer nothing than that!

Horses for courses. I think I'd be quite hurt if someone said they didn't like a gift I had chosen but if you don't that's fair enough.

That's where as a recipient you need to use tact. Maybe somebody gave you a lovely jumper but a couple of sizes too big or too small so despite it being perfect apart from the size, wouldn't you prefer to be asked if they could exchange it? I would.

I think I'd be quite hurt if someone said they didn't like a gift I had chosen but you don't mins the recipient feeling hurt that you got them something they neither want or need.

I'm so raging for you

But why?
What makes a number ending in 0 any different?
It literally is meaningless

I hear you. Would much rather a card or flowers or a plant than a regifted toiletry set or tacky photo frame or cheap scented candle.

I live in a stone rural house. All my stuff is old fashioned farmhouse style. Years back I bought one of those blue old looking number tiles when I was on holiday in France to put on the front of my house. I love it as it fits my theme and reminds me of a good holiday.

Last Christmas, a relative bought me this perspex plaque with my house number on and a picture of a gymnast. I do go to a yoga class but it isn't my main interest. The company didn't have a yoga pose picture, so I've got a little girl in a leotard twirling a ribbon next to my house number. Relative told me they were sick of my tatty looking tiles, so they'd bought me a new plaque to update them.

I haven't bothered putting it up. It looks cheap and tacky and the picture reminds me of when you were in the infants and had a picture on your peg until you learned to read your name.

I'm still getting it in the neck from the relative for not removing my tiles and putting the plaque up. They've even offered to come and do the job for me. I just can't get through to them that I don't like the plaque and I don't want it stuck on the front of my house. They keep trying to make me feel guilty as I've wasted their money.

@YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan , tell them that you have not wasted their money, they have, and that you chose the 'tatty looking tiles' because you like them but the plaque isn't your taste at all.

Not everyone thinks donations to charity are "proper" presents and if you didn't want that you should've had a list of things that wouldn't be beneath you. Posh tea or a luxury ingredient for you cooking.

i find that thinking really weird. if someone specifically asks for something then why is it appropriate for the giver to ignore that and impose their own judgement on what they think the recipient should have?

i'd agree with you if op had asked her friends for something outrageously expensive and ended up with a perfectly acceptable budget alternative instead, but when someone's specifically asked for charity donations instead of gifts, it makes no sense.

how do supermarket flowers and some middle aisle cookware show some extra special thought that justifies not giving op what she asked for?

My 50th coincided with trip with my parents and my daughter. She was absolutely gutted they didn't do anything special, organise a meal out or bring a special gift etc. I wasn't overly bothered they didn't make much of it at all, but I was annoyed they hadn't thought to consult her on what she might want to do.

You definitely not being unreasonable.

people are just busy I think since covid people don’t really mark birthdays much and definitely don’t get cards. I think I used to feel like that and I am much younger but now I just do something to please myself on my birthday and be in control of my own day. My husbands also awful at presents not going to change !

Totally agree!! I remember someone said a long time ago to me - if you want flowers, buy yourself flowers. (Before it was a song!!) I’ve been buying myself flowers since.

Expectation is a killer of joy!

Spend the rest of this year doing 50 things you'd like to do.
They don't have to be massive, they could be reading a book you always meant to read, visiting a particular beach/shop/cafe. My 50 things included a big journey, an art gallery when I got there, a night outside under stars, trying a new cocktail...make your list! Look to yourself to fulfill your own wants - but appreciate the efforts of others even if they don't meet your expectations.
And maybe, this is from my heart to you, don't have any more expectations of others. You be you!
Happy birthday 🎂 x

DH is a dick. I actually thought the friends gift was quite thoughtful 🤦‍♀️

I remember always making the effort with presents, especially for one of my oldest friends. Never had anything back that felt even vaguely personal.

Best year was when I got a load of shite, a second hand book by someone I'd never heard of, some crappy novelty lip balms and some other shite. But presented as though they were really amazing.

I think she'd forgotten she'd been banging on about regifting presents for people a few weeks before FFS.

It's the lack of thought that's hurtful. The sheer lack of wanting to give you something to make you happy. Just a big "look, I got you all this!" in front of people.

Honestly though, if any of my friends reacted the way OP has…I’d be too scared to buy them anything never mind look forward to it. A big ‘look what I got you’ but with a panic room nearby I could run to just in case