Shite 50th

[Cowardlybitch]

For contact, we're lucky to be in a decent position financially. Not loaded but mortgage paid, decent income, we can enjoy not to worry about what we put in shopping basket. Usually a week abroad and a couple of breaks a year. What do I get for my 50th birthday off my husband? Bearing in mind we have been together for 20 years. 2 pairs of merino wool socks that are too big and in hideous colours. Same brand and colours as purchased at Christmas that I asked him not to buy again. In fact, I said no more socks unless they're Bridgedale ones. But apparently they'll shrink to fit. And two small boxes of chocolates from a shop I walk past 3 times a week to go to work and buy myself when I want them. And yes, the socks do in fact shrink - to a size that don't actually fit - as per the Christmas ones.

From friends I have a crap, self-published vegan book from some random off Facebook (full of beige coloured meals) and a collection of kitchen crap from Morrisons homeware section.

When asked what I want, I said to donate to my favourite charity. But no, apparently, I don't want that. I want a collection of wasteful rubbish to take to the charity shop. I don't think the thought counts when there has been no effort whatsoever. I make a real effort with these people and would never buy them something they had expressly asked me not to. Or rubbish from the supermarket. I live in a tiny house - what the fuck would I want with tacky ceramic crap that serves no useful purpose whatsoever? I'm a keen cook - if wanted a spoon rest, I'd already have one. Why the fuck would anyone want a spoon rest - just wipe your worktop? Why give me an "original" recipe book which contains a recipe for soffritto and meals so visually unappealing they look like cow-pats? The purchaser had clearly not bothered to look at it. Why feckin ask me what I want and then tell me I don't want it? Why the fuck do I bother? The two things that make me most cross in the world is money being wasted and talking to myself. I can't believe I'm still surprised at 50 to be reminded, yet again, how fuckin thoughtless people are and I may as well talk to the neighbour's cat as clearly people don't listen to me.

Now I'm stuck with repeat protestations of "I forgot" and "I don't know what to get you" and the poor, "sad me" face because the cruel, mean woman has finally erupted. I'm so incredibly angry. More angry with myself for thinking this would be any different to any of the other lousy, thoughtless birthdays.

I spent years either getting nothing or getting crap. My rule is dont buy me anything if i want something i will buy it myself. A card is nice but i dont actually need anyone to spend their hard earned cash on something i dont want or need.
My husband on the other hand has finally got the message and pays for a holiday 😀

Agree with all this.

And regift those socks to him for Cmas.

I’m with you OP. We do a lot don’t we, and it’s the one day we deserve treats!
Having once received a cheese grater, and another time a lampshade, from my husband (and gone ballistic) he now knows that I will carefully curate a wish list and if he strays from it he’d better be confident!
However his family also ask for the list, which gets my hopes up, and proceed to buy nothing from it. It’s really weird!
A friend I went to a lot of trouble for and supported over the years gave me a clearly re-gifted shit present, and it showed me that she didn’t value me the way I did her (there were other signs too).
My best friends from school have forgotten to text two years in a row so I’m gonna leave that now too!
But the icing on the cake (I wish) is that my mother said “as a pensioner I can’t afford to get you a gift” which would have been fine, except weeks later she’s asking me for advice about what to buy for her neighbour’s birthday. Hmmm!
I think I need a Darwin too.

ODFOD

I feel for you. I had to arrange my own 18th. Pay for my family and guests to come to dinner for my 21st. Didn't get the trip away I asked for from hubby for 30th. Got another necklace...which I have loads of and he knows it. My 40th is coming up soon. I'm dreading that.

I keep getting colourful ugly clothing from my family because they don't like the way I dress and utter crap from my in laws. A teddy bear FFS!! I was 36! She didn't like that when she got a ragdoll for her birthday 😂. Hubby says I'm hard to buy for yet I tell him for months what I'd like and I never get any of it.

So yeah. It sucks. I don't even get a balloon or a banner but hubby and kids get them every year.

Feel totally unappreciated.

Love to you and Happy 50th!

Happy 50th birthday, OP.

Those gifts all sound terrible 😕.

Even my manager at work cared more for our birthdays than your friends and husband. She used to ask us for our top 3 favourite places to shop and get is vouchers specifically for those places; depending on each person's choice.

Nothing you do afterwards makes up for this shitty feeling, so I'd probably just regift each woeful item back to the original giver 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Some people just can't seem to grasp the concept of "no gifts"!

We rarely do gifts as we never know what to get/what we want!

So more often than not a meal out.

Or a couple of days away & a night in a hotel.

Chocolates always welcome though!

And I'm quite fancying some Merino socks😊

I hear you. 11 years later I'm still smarting over my crap 50th. It was a watershed day for me, the day I decided to put no further effort into DH's birthdays. I had an amazing 60th however, all organised by me (extended over several separate events).

@WildFigs

Try reading the OP. She said:

When asked what I want, I said to donate to my favourite charity.

You don't need people to buy you things. Just tell then no more presents.

I am 50 soon and will have a present for every month of the year. You still have time to do this for yourself op. Your next update needs to be what you have booked/bought yourself.

It does sound like a terrible present from your husband but I’m equally confused that the subject of your 50th and what you want or don’t want hasn’t been discussed before. Did neither of you bring it up?

I’m at the point where a lot of my friends are turning 40 soon or have done recently and it’s a frequent topic of conversation. I often go round to people’s houses and hear “we both turn 40 next year so we’re planning a big holiday to X” or so forth - most couples seem to plan big birthdays for a while before hand, deciding together if there is a big purchase that someone wants to make or a big holiday that needs planning.
Equally, one of my friends didn’t do more than a glass of wine at home with her family for her 40th and when I asked her about it later she confirmed that she’d decided she didn’t want to make a fuss and her husband knew about this.

We have a big-ish anniversary coming up and I think I want to do a nice meal out somewhere special. I have discussed the idea with DH already and I’m not expecting him to surprise me.

I don’t think it’s necessarily expecting too little of men or whatever to think it’s likely that if you have a posh weekend away for your birthday that you may have discussed it before, for instance. But did he never ask you, in the last year?

As for your friends, I wouldn’t want to comment as that depends on how your friendship works and what’s the done thing. My friends and I don’t tend to do presents for each other though we’ll maybe bring a bottle of wine or champagne round for a birthday. Friendship groups are all different so it depends on what is the done thing in yours.

Again, she said in the OP, she asked for donations to her favourite charity.

That’s crap OP. Socks you don’t like and cheap chocolates. WTF?!?

From the Bridgedale mention, I assume you do a sport or a lot of walking and socks are important. They can be an exciting present…I love getting ski socks for Christmas. But to get you socks you don’t like is just thoughtless.

I’m not materialistic but appreciate my DH putting thought and time being put into my presents.

I hear you OP!

wtf?

Decade birthdays are often marked more than others.

This should not be news to you.

It took me way way too long to realise that by remembering everyone’s birthdays etc, arranging parties, meals etc for significant dates I was not supplying a template for my DH to copy on my birthday but was sending out messages that only I did that kind of thing.
I have got much blunter at saying what I want, hints do not penetrate!
Do you think the socks were from a bulk pack he split between Christmas and birthday?
Happy birthday 🎂!

Solidarity OP. I’m with you. The shittest gift dh has bought me (and there have been some corkers over the years) was an out of date packet of dark chocolate biscuits from the deli round the corner. I don’t even like dark chocolate.

For my 50th I headed off disappointment by telling him that as it coincided with the Olympics, I wanted to be in Paris, watching a horse event - make that happen. I then booked a fancy restaurant there for that evening. It would have been sweeter if he’d put the thought in himself, and picked something special, but I knew he wouldn’t. So I made sure it was the day I wanted.

I totally get you, OP - its really annoying when you spend ages thinking of something people may like, give good presents but never receive anything thoughtful of even anything special.

I actually given up on giving "special" presents ages ago, I just get people a hamper or a gift card. All within the budget I allocate to each depending on various parameters (how close they are to me, what is expected in terms of being polite etc).

I still get either a bottle of wine, socks, or toiletry sets I never use but at least I expect it and dont get upset. I just drink the wine and take the rest to the charity shop. The best present for me is money, I make no secret of it, and, thankfully, most people are happy to give me that.

I always get myself presents. I dont care how sad it is, but if I want something, I would get it as a present - jewellery, clothes, etc. I suggest you allocate a few hundred out of family budget, buy yourself something you like, and tell your husband you got a present from him to yourself, saving him the trouble. Or, tell him in advance to get it. Some men are hopeless with getting presents, or even with remembering birthdays.

With friends - just ignore. Donate the crap gifts and when its your turn get them something equally "lovely".

This is something that upsets you more than a decade on? I understand if it's done out of malice or abuse - or it stems from loneliness or you are outright forgotten - but I think giving something is nice. So my friends give me a gift. It's rather silly and not to my taste but it's kind of irrelevant as they thought I'd like it. And that's what's special.

yes but that is completely different!

You've given examples of things that are completely the opposite of the recipient's interest
Whereas OP is a keen cook so her friends gave her a recipe book and cooking equipment. That's in no way comparable to giving someone who hates the sea, sea-boot socks!

Just because they didn't match her exact tastes doesn't mean the giver was 'miserable' and didn't put any thought into it. It sounds as though they probably thought they were appropriate gifts that she would like.

Did you see the bit where she specifically asked him not to buy these socks as he'd bought them at Christmas already, and they were no good?

My 50th was a fucking disaster on all fronts, too. I met my partner just after my 40th (also awful), and had spent nearly a decade explaining to him why birthdays were important to me (narc parents who never gave a shit) and I really wanted my 50th to be good.

He promised faithfully we would go abroad for it - we both love travelling to the Greek Isles and decided Santorini would be ideal. The day after my 49th birthday I say we should book, so we have a year to pay it off. For the next 9 months I'm told 'Let's book at the end of the month' (payday). Then it's 'too late now, can't pay it off on time'...

Actual day, breakfast 'treat' was having it in the grotiest Weatherspoons in the city centre...no fucking 'treat' to me! I had booked the night away in a very popular scenic town about 20 miles away...he manages to get us on the wrong train, I only realised when we are already nearly an hour on it! The stress caused a broken tooth to start to throb, so I say sod it, I just want to go home. We then have to wait around the city centre for 4 hours to get the key back from the cat sitter...which he spends getting pissed as a fart. Evening just another normal fucking night sat in my flat bored senseless. My present? He gave me £30 towards a £50 ring I bought myself off eBay. That was it.

It was his 50th two years later. I told him I would put in as much effort for his as he did for mine i.e. none. As it happened, it was smack bang in the middle of lockdown and as we don't live together and he works 200 miles away I wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway.

Sorry this is so long, but 5 years on I'm still pissed off about it! Since then I book myself a holiday abroad for my birthday. His present is to look after my cats when I'm away.

Here is what I have never understood.
It is not rocket science.
You can have any level of budget from £5 to £5 million.
If you are in a marriage/relationship with someone you should know them quite well.
You should know what their likes/interests/hobbies are.
How can we have men (and sometimes women) who do really fancy professional jobs, requiring all sorts of skills, but they cannot work something out about their own life partner.
And there is such an array of stuff to choose from and you don’t even need to leave your own house now, either.
I used to work in John Lewis in the perfumery when I was at Uni/during holidays and blokes would come in who’d been married for 20 plus years with no idea of what perfume their wife wore. So I’d just ask a little about the wife and get creative with a choice. At least those men were trying to do something and asked for advice.
A really good friend of mine buys me my favourite gossip magazine, once a year on my birthday, and my favourite chocolate. Comes to about £6. I absolutely love it. Reporting back on a load of Z listers every year is a laugh we enjoy.

Yes but if that's his greatest crime and aside from that he's loving and kind and caring, I think it's not the worst thing.

I'm actually turning 50 as we speak and I will not be celebrating. Its so refreshing, no fucking pressure to do anything, just relaxing and chilling. Maybe a meal out later if I feel like it - have been invited out but have not decided if I go. Also, as I got the presents myself, they are all lovely ))))