Shite 50th

[Cowardlybitch]

For contact, we're lucky to be in a decent position financially. Not loaded but mortgage paid, decent income, we can enjoy not to worry about what we put in shopping basket. Usually a week abroad and a couple of breaks a year. What do I get for my 50th birthday off my husband? Bearing in mind we have been together for 20 years. 2 pairs of merino wool socks that are too big and in hideous colours. Same brand and colours as purchased at Christmas that I asked him not to buy again. In fact, I said no more socks unless they're Bridgedale ones. But apparently they'll shrink to fit. And two small boxes of chocolates from a shop I walk past 3 times a week to go to work and buy myself when I want them. And yes, the socks do in fact shrink - to a size that don't actually fit - as per the Christmas ones.

From friends I have a crap, self-published vegan book from some random off Facebook (full of beige coloured meals) and a collection of kitchen crap from Morrisons homeware section.

When asked what I want, I said to donate to my favourite charity. But no, apparently, I don't want that. I want a collection of wasteful rubbish to take to the charity shop. I don't think the thought counts when there has been no effort whatsoever. I make a real effort with these people and would never buy them something they had expressly asked me not to. Or rubbish from the supermarket. I live in a tiny house - what the fuck would I want with tacky ceramic crap that serves no useful purpose whatsoever? I'm a keen cook - if wanted a spoon rest, I'd already have one. Why the fuck would anyone want a spoon rest - just wipe your worktop? Why give me an "original" recipe book which contains a recipe for soffritto and meals so visually unappealing they look like cow-pats? The purchaser had clearly not bothered to look at it. Why feckin ask me what I want and then tell me I don't want it? Why the fuck do I bother? The two things that make me most cross in the world is money being wasted and talking to myself. I can't believe I'm still surprised at 50 to be reminded, yet again, how fuckin thoughtless people are and I may as well talk to the neighbour's cat as clearly people don't listen to me.

Now I'm stuck with repeat protestations of "I forgot" and "I don't know what to get you" and the poor, "sad me" face because the cruel, mean woman has finally erupted. I'm so incredibly angry. More angry with myself for thinking this would be any different to any of the other lousy, thoughtless birthdays.

It isn't the point, I realise, but 50 is about the age when I realised if I wanted something in particular or wanted a treat, the simplest way to achieve that was not to ask anyone for it, but just get it myself.

I know you want to feel loved and thought of by those around you, but if that isn't happening after 20 years, what makes you think it will ever be different? I've told my husband for years what I want but it isn't something easily bought, it has to be arranged and commissioned. So now I am going to arrange and commission it because it is clear he never will.

your friends and husband dont seem to really know you at all?

i think you need to be more clear with people what you want or like and make it clear you hate that kind of stuff that they have given you!!

i hate ‘stuff’ as well its not me and actually having too much stuff makes me quite anxious

I like treats such as a massage or getting nails done or a day out or holiday

friends always just get me vouchers for the beauty salon places I like or a spa Day

my husband only gets me weekends away or for something

ive always been very clear about this to everyone that this is what I like

and as for celebrations / I love my birthday so always arrange it myself so I always get what I want

I like this idea 😂

I'm sympathetic OP - particularly in regards to your husband. My DP is a lousy present giver as he overthinks and then panics. I've told him dozens of times of times that a bunch of flowers is the perfect present but he still insists on going off piste. We've scaled back present buying now.

Things with my small group of friends (6 of us) have got better since we've agreed to only swap easy, token presents. It seems to have relaxed everyone and I get far less tat. Last year I got a nice jar of chutney, posh biscuits, a supermarket bunch of roses, a non-fiction chart paperback and a small M&S orchid. Very happy.

Ignore the 'ungrateful' mob - but for your own sanity, I'd recommend dialling your own efforts right down. It's much easier to look at a pair of awful socks with equanimity if you've spent very little effort in return (no need to be wasteful - a favourite bottle of tipple?).

Off to the charity shop - someone else might love that vegan book.

One Christmas I got a set of marker pens from my EX husband and a stand to prop up my I pad.

But she didn't want anything and asked for charity donations.

I know how you feel. For years I put a bit of thought into presents for people. At times I some of these things were expensive for me in regards to my income.
When I had a major birthday a few years ago several family members made a very poor effort for me. One person has recycled gifts to me several times and even give me one with a gift tag with to her name and a who it was from.
Last Christmas I got poor present from a family member and got a poor excuse why.
I decided this year that I was spending far less on them and mentioning all my bills if they comment. One of my siblings is doing the same.

I decided that this year I was spending less on gifts. I spent more on gifts for people who made the effort for me this year and far less on those that did not.

In regards to your husband giving you the poor gift for your 50th ask I how he feel if you gave him the one thing he hates? Ask him do you want me to show all our friends this poor present? Start giving him the dinner he hates for a week or give him a salad every day if you know he likes a meat and veg dinner.

Better still stop doing any washing or cooking for him and tell him since that since he gave you that horrible present for your 50th when you told him before you hated that gift your making the same effort back. Let him see what happens when he makes no effort.

The friends that made the same effort hand them the gift back along with the cheapest smellist perfume or toiletries set at Christmas. Charity shops or pound shops are ideal for this.

Use the money you would have spent on them to buy yourself something nice.

They were asked for a charity donation.

Happy birthday.

You shouldn't have to, because your friends and family shouldn't be so shit, but putting a list in writing is useful. Be very specific as to brand, size, colour and make the list longer than needed so you can still have a surprise. Obviously your husband hasn't even listened when you've talked about socks, hopefully he kept the receipt. For people who have asked and then ignored you, is there something very easy which you would like and wouldn't matter if you got several (wine or flowers)? Although a charity donation is even easier I agree.

I heard somewhere that people pleasing is a trauma response. I think I am still recovering

Spending time together and doing something nice together is much more comfortable than a “charity donation” for some people. A charity donation is transactional and not special and doesn’t show you love or kindness.

No-one can buy physical gifts in a society of mass consumption and get it right. Gift buying is an impossible task now that anyone can click on Amazon and buy anything they want to arrive in less than 24 hours. Everything anyone buys is less special as a result.

People think I hate birthdays and so choose not to celebrate them but, actually, years of crap, thoughtless birthdays are the reason. I'd really rather not bother than have it stare me square in the face how little people think of me.

for my birthday, which was a month after my mum died and a week after her birthday would have been, i asked for donations to dementia uk instead of presents. several friends did donate and that meant far more to me than a physical gift would have. i certainly didn't see it as transactional and it showed love and kindness because it was exactly what i wanted.

In my 50th year, I planned loads of exciting things to do, alone and with family & friends. Yes. I saved up.

I completed a 50 of something sport related

I went on several holidays, including one to an exotic destination which we travelled round for a month.

I have fantastic memories & no disappointments !

Yes I celebrated life !!!

The socks sound a bit rubbish but the rest wouldn’t bother me, I wouldn’t let the presents I get determine if I have a good birthday or not.

For me it’s all about doing something fun with friends and/or family.

I don’t think the vegan cookbook is bad or thoughtless, not everyone likes to give to charity as a present.

Regarding the socks situation I’d just buy DH socks for the next birthday and Christmas. Then either sell your birthday socks and donate the money to your chosen charity or donate straight to a charity shop.

Happy 50 th.
My advice is cut the budget for other people and use that money to buy yourself a present every year.
For my birthday this year I'm going to watch a show with my 16 year old. He has said he is fine to go but ultimately it's for me and I want to go so we are going as a birthday treat for me. It's about 2 weeks after my birthday but it's what I wanted.
So if I don't get anything else from anyone else I know I have what I want.

If your DH had given you a decent present or arranged a fabulous day out I think you’d probably be able to laugh off slightly naff presents from friends. They remembered your birthday and bought a gift - didn’t get it right but no biggie.
In your shoes I’d be really hurt that my husband had repeated a crap gift you’d already told him you didn’t like. Unless you are on the bones of your arse socks are not a good main present for your wife!
I’d be hurt too. Give him socks for Christmas and his next birthday - the more garish the better. Spend the rest of your gift budget on yourself or donate it to the charity you support.

Is it though? Because she got a nice posh pair of socks for Christmas and then TOLD HIM she didn't like them - ungracious and rude in my opinion. You can just pretend. The birthday was a blunder, granted, but he's just doing what you'd recommend... playing her at her own game. Then her friends get her gifts, maybe not what she'd like, and she calls it charity shop junk. If I was her mate I'd be really hurt. Also birthdays - big ones or not - are lovely but maybe look at what you have: friends, a husband of 20 years, you're well enough to hike (I presume). I think you sound entitled and maybe some perspective would help.

Is it though? Because she got a nice posh pair of socks for Christmas and then TOLD HIM she didn't like them - ungracious and rude in my opinion. You can just pretend. The birthday was a blunder, granted, but he's just doing what you'd recommend... playing her at her own game. Then her friends get her gifts, maybe not what she'd like, and she calls it charity shop junk. If I was her mate I'd be really hurt. Also birthdays - big ones or not - are lovely but maybe look at what you have: friends, a husband of 20 years, you're well enough to hike (I presume). I think you sound entitled and maybe some perspective would help. Say thanks, be gracious, move on. It's not a shite birthday. You have people who care about you.

Insisting that you have to give someone a gift when they don't want them is disrespectful- yet she is wrong for not smiling nicely ?

It's rude to give gifts that oblige people to act a certain way that. It's not being nice and thoughtful - it's putting your feelings ahead of the recipient - just what you should do on someone's birthday, put yourself before the birthday girl

For years my DH got me generic gifts that you might pick up for a secret santa present for someone you barely knew. Or nothing. I have suspected for a long time he is ND and over the years having been shopping with him, I see that he gets overwhelmed if it's crowded or noisy and then he probably panics and grabs the first available thing thst might be suitable for any woman between 20 and 50.
He doesn't like online shopping however in recent years has successfully managed to buy all kibds of stuff for his hobbies online without too much trouble (or any input from me or DC)
This year for my birthday he went shopping in person and bought me 2 surprise gifts that I actually really like. I have told him my expectations are much higher now that I know he can do it! 😊

Are you that desperate that any of this would pass as okay in your book? Quite seriously, it is a piss poor effort for a 50th for a person that has invested decades into these people.

He gave her pair of socks number one before her birthday, last Christmas, and rather than say "Thanks, that's really kind" she moaned she hated them. That's rude.

But if it was a reverse:

I spent ages getting my husband a pair of posh socks for Christmas and he said he hated them. His 50th is coming up. What should I do?

Surely you can see the reaction this would provoke?!

@MarvellousMariella1 , you sound like the sort of person who ignores what somebody would like to receive and instead buy them what you would like them to have. What you are doing is telling the recipient that you have no idea what they like and that you know best.