Shite 50th

[Cowardlybitch]

For contact, we're lucky to be in a decent position financially. Not loaded but mortgage paid, decent income, we can enjoy not to worry about what we put in shopping basket. Usually a week abroad and a couple of breaks a year. What do I get for my 50th birthday off my husband? Bearing in mind we have been together for 20 years. 2 pairs of merino wool socks that are too big and in hideous colours. Same brand and colours as purchased at Christmas that I asked him not to buy again. In fact, I said no more socks unless they're Bridgedale ones. But apparently they'll shrink to fit. And two small boxes of chocolates from a shop I walk past 3 times a week to go to work and buy myself when I want them. And yes, the socks do in fact shrink - to a size that don't actually fit - as per the Christmas ones.

From friends I have a crap, self-published vegan book from some random off Facebook (full of beige coloured meals) and a collection of kitchen crap from Morrisons homeware section.

When asked what I want, I said to donate to my favourite charity. But no, apparently, I don't want that. I want a collection of wasteful rubbish to take to the charity shop. I don't think the thought counts when there has been no effort whatsoever. I make a real effort with these people and would never buy them something they had expressly asked me not to. Or rubbish from the supermarket. I live in a tiny house - what the fuck would I want with tacky ceramic crap that serves no useful purpose whatsoever? I'm a keen cook - if wanted a spoon rest, I'd already have one. Why the fuck would anyone want a spoon rest - just wipe your worktop? Why give me an "original" recipe book which contains a recipe for soffritto and meals so visually unappealing they look like cow-pats? The purchaser had clearly not bothered to look at it. Why feckin ask me what I want and then tell me I don't want it? Why the fuck do I bother? The two things that make me most cross in the world is money being wasted and talking to myself. I can't believe I'm still surprised at 50 to be reminded, yet again, how fuckin thoughtless people are and I may as well talk to the neighbour's cat as clearly people don't listen to me.

Now I'm stuck with repeat protestations of "I forgot" and "I don't know what to get you" and the poor, "sad me" face because the cruel, mean woman has finally erupted. I'm so incredibly angry. More angry with myself for thinking this would be any different to any of the other lousy, thoughtless birthdays.

Heck, OP, I’m sorry. That’s not great. My husband took me on a 5-day trip abroad for my 50th, and we planned something special for his 60th. If you want money given to charities and specified which ones, that should have been honoured.

You have an awful attitude. I would not want to be your friend anymore.

If you asked for donations to charity that's tantamount to saying you don't really want a gift so people will just buy token gifts.

If you're a keen cook you will be given things to do with cookery. You have no idea if they chose it carefully.

Your husband doesn't sound like he gave it any thought, you have my sympathy there. But you seem to have downplayed the whole gift giving thing, no?

You're absolutely right where your DH is concerned. But harsh (and somewhat terrifying!) with regards to your friends. I'd hazard a guess that they don't think the kitchen things are 'tat' and have chosen them because you like cooking. How are they supposed to know that you'd be fuming at the very idea of an innocuous spoon rest, and not think 'that's useful' or 'I could do with a new one'? It's actually pretty thoughtful to notice a cook hadn't got one tbh. And yes, I get it, you wanted charity donations but people are often very reluctant to do this. If it were me I'd just reinforce that message and if people don't comply put it down to one of lifes very minor irritations. Friends who want to acknowledge your birthday are a big deal in life. Keep perspective.

How hard is it for people to understand that sone people don't want stuff ?

Sorry OP, I don’t know why people are so shit at gifts. I enjoyed reading your rant though!

Can you ask DH to pay for a weekend away as a belated birthday treat?

And it's t he opposite of thoughtful to get stuff you would like when the OP asked for charity donation instead of stuff

It's shows the arrogance of the giver

You sound charming

I agree that was a particularly rubbish gift.

It can be really difficult to buy some people gifts though - I have people who are extremely fussy, and then to make it worse, just buy everything they actually like themselves. When people ask me what I want, most of the time I genuinely don't have anything in mind. I like experiences - meals, theatre tickets, holidays the best.

Because people do not listen and buy her things when she asks not to. I don't like people buying me presents. I earn my own money, I buy my own stuff.

I'm with you. Feel your disappointment. So nows the time to cut out the weakest link...
You need A Darwin.
To explain. Darwin was my dearly now departed dog. He was amazing in the gift giving department ... the things Darwin has bought me over the years... Quooker tap. Jo Malone Advent Calender. Clothes just in right size and colour ...couldn't have chosen better myself😉. He read my mind. Then all the disappointing crap received from other thoughtless twatspeople didn't matter. Darwin still bang on it from over the rainbow bridge. This year he's booked me a luxury ski holiday

They are a miserable lot of present buyers OP. Of course you feel fed-up. You do deserve better and it is reasonable to feel ungrateful.

We have a family tradition and keep a sort of mental museum of 'the worst gift... most gracefully recieved'. (The sort that made Gold Frankinsense and Myrr look like excellent choices of new-baby present)

Some of your gifts could be contenders. Start the family museum with your 50th?

We have an enjoyable sharing of horrors between us after Christmas and birthdays :) and give points.

Milder examples
-For a famously conservative dresser, a multi-coloured shirt that could have blinded Joseph's father
-An empty can for a dead chicken to sit on while being roasted
-For an awkward teen, a lemon juicer that looked as if it came from a sex-shop
-For a land-lubber of sensitive skin, the world's scratchest sea-boot socks
-A rusty metal coffee-coaster
(If you sent any of these - thanks very much for the amusment and several 'points' that year)

The amusement takes the irritation out of it and helps polite reception of badly-chosen gifts from (otherwise) lovely people. I have watched my (very very honest) son beaming as he realised he must have just unwrapped the year's winning entry!

With hopeless, lazy men like this the only
way they will change their behaviour is if they realise it’s less effort/an easier life to get you a nice present than the hardship their life will be if they get you crappy socks. Your reaction and the fallout has to be bad enough that they realise next time they should have just got you something decent. It’s the only way.

You do sound ungrateful.

Raise your standards.

Agree completely with this. There's something unpleasantly scathing about the way you describe the gifts - was it 'supermarket crap' or similar? Perhaps not all your friends are in your financial position.

I'd be very hurt at your husband's gift IIWY. and at your response to their gifts if I were your friends.

Why? When people don't listen to her and insist on buying things she doesn't need or want ? Even when she says to donate to charity?

How is that being ungrateful?

Very, given we live in a culture where our levels of thoughtfulness towards and love for others is constantly linked with the quality of material gifts we give them. The OP doesn't want stuff, but in the same breath is saying that the stuff she's been given isn't good enough, the givers have not been sufficiently thoughtful; the implication being that if the gifts had been better, stuff is ok.
Its mixed messaging.

Agreed. Why be grateful for a bunch of stuff that's going to be swiftly making its way to a landfill site.

I absolutely hear you. It's not about the money, it's about the lack of thought or consideration for who you are as a person. I've also begged for charity donations and no "stuff" and been ignored, it's so frustrating, especially when we're in an actual planetary crisis.

I love a spoon rest but YANBU.

Well your husband obviously likes those socks so no need to think about a Christmas present for him!

Totally agree OP. It’s the total lack of thought that hurts the most. My significant birthday this year was a few months before a significant wedding anniversary. I was planning on getting myself a nice piece of jewellery to mark the occasion. I organised my present and card from DC otherwise they would be really upset they hadn’t got me anything as DH wouldn’t have got round to it. We ere planning a once in a lifetime trip later in the year to mark our anniversary & my birthday. A few weeks after my birthday was when DH and I ended up have a conversation about how things didn’t seem to be very good between us during which he told me he wasn’t happy, hadn’t been for years, living with me was like living with his best mate and how he wasn’t sure if he wanted a divorce (the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me so that was alright!! 🙄). Nothing was resolved other than things were broken but we had a holiday to get through that DC were super excited for. He is amazing at planning things so arranged everything and kept wanting to share details with me. I declined. We went on holiday and had an amazing time (apart from him doing his usual irritating thing of walking 20 feet ahead of us and just walking across junctions without making sure the DC are safe or telling me where he’s going. He also managed to hug me once I think the entire two weeks we were away so that was nice 😠) but it was his holiday that we kind of shared, I never got my lovely piece of jewellery (didn’t see the point of spiving money that I might need for a deposit somewhere), I didn’t get to celebrate my anniversary and we haven’t sorted out our marriage so I still don’t know if we’ll be getting divorced. Oh, and did all that while being bright and fun for the DC and pretending everything was fine to MIL and that I didn’t know that she knew we were probably going to get divorced. Not my best birthday!

@Cowardlybitch , what was the book please?

How on earth did you manage without a ceramic spoon rest? Has it not elevated your culinary prowess?

No-one cares about other people's birthday

Just book yourself a fancy holiday

I understand your anger but is your husband considerate in general?

If so, try and see birthdays as I do, just another day. I personally don't care about birthdays, mine or others'. Life is long enough to buy yourself presents whenever you want, go out for a meal whenever you want.

My family is the most loving and caring family you could think of, but for our birthdays we give each other a call and a small gift down the line if we see each other, but it's not a big deal. No card, no special meal out, nothing. And I don't do a single effort with anyone else's birthday either, except of course for my children where I put out all the stops.

My DH and ILs are baffled by that but I've just never been brought up with making a big deal of birthdays. Actually, I think celebrating birthdays as adults and expecting a big thing is a bit odd!

So if he is great in general except for buying presents on special occasions, he may just be like me and not care about it.

What my DH did is speak to me and say to me birthdays were important to him, so now I make an effort, but I really have to force myself as it is not in my nature!

If on the other hand he is constantly shit, then stop making any effort, be angry with him and tell him why.