Shite 50th

[Cowardlybitch]

For contact, we're lucky to be in a decent position financially. Not loaded but mortgage paid, decent income, we can enjoy not to worry about what we put in shopping basket. Usually a week abroad and a couple of breaks a year. What do I get for my 50th birthday off my husband? Bearing in mind we have been together for 20 years. 2 pairs of merino wool socks that are too big and in hideous colours. Same brand and colours as purchased at Christmas that I asked him not to buy again. In fact, I said no more socks unless they're Bridgedale ones. But apparently they'll shrink to fit. And two small boxes of chocolates from a shop I walk past 3 times a week to go to work and buy myself when I want them. And yes, the socks do in fact shrink - to a size that don't actually fit - as per the Christmas ones.

From friends I have a crap, self-published vegan book from some random off Facebook (full of beige coloured meals) and a collection of kitchen crap from Morrisons homeware section.

When asked what I want, I said to donate to my favourite charity. But no, apparently, I don't want that. I want a collection of wasteful rubbish to take to the charity shop. I don't think the thought counts when there has been no effort whatsoever. I make a real effort with these people and would never buy them something they had expressly asked me not to. Or rubbish from the supermarket. I live in a tiny house - what the fuck would I want with tacky ceramic crap that serves no useful purpose whatsoever? I'm a keen cook - if wanted a spoon rest, I'd already have one. Why the fuck would anyone want a spoon rest - just wipe your worktop? Why give me an "original" recipe book which contains a recipe for soffritto and meals so visually unappealing they look like cow-pats? The purchaser had clearly not bothered to look at it. Why feckin ask me what I want and then tell me I don't want it? Why the fuck do I bother? The two things that make me most cross in the world is money being wasted and talking to myself. I can't believe I'm still surprised at 50 to be reminded, yet again, how fuckin thoughtless people are and I may as well talk to the neighbour's cat as clearly people don't listen to me.

Now I'm stuck with repeat protestations of "I forgot" and "I don't know what to get you" and the poor, "sad me" face because the cruel, mean woman has finally erupted. I'm so incredibly angry. More angry with myself for thinking this would be any different to any of the other lousy, thoughtless birthdays.

Pretty much 50-50 really.

Sometimes I'll arrange it, sometimes DH will or one of the adult DC.

It doesn't really matter to any of us who does the booking, we have a family discussion and decide where to go, then one of us will sort it.

It's always a great night though.

Bingo - the grabby brigade.

She did give them a charity to donate to though.

When asked what I want, I said to donate to my favourite charity
But this makes it sound as though you are planning your own funeral, not a birthday! 😆

It also conveys a total lack of interest in any gift item, so if they also know you despise waste of money, people probably think they should stick to offering you a small token gesture.

Based on your instructions, if I were your friend, I'd be very surprised to learn that you attached any emotional value whatsoever to birthday gifts.

I'd be shocked at your angry reaction, because I'd have given you an insignificant item in good faith, thinking that's what you wanted, since you were so dismissive of gifts in general.

In future, I think you should specify "I would like a gift that expresses your deepest understanding of me, and I don't want any old tat!" Maybe you could point them at a site like https://www.buymeonce.co.uk/, perhaps with some hints at things you like?

Happy birthday and better luck next year 🎈🎉💗🎊🥳

Also here's a quote for the day, from poet Andrea Gibson on where you spend your attention: “In any moment on any given day I can measure my wellness by this question: Is my attention on loving, or is my attention on who isn't loving me?”

My 50th was shocking. Myself and DP went away for a few days.
I have no idea why but I had a bit of wobble the night before. It literally came from nowhere and I got a bit tearful.
Both of my parents had been around when I turned 40, and I had lost both of them by 50. I just felt rubbish.
So I went to bed, was a bit tearful and DP decided to do the best thing possible.
He stayed up to watch Love Island. And not just any old episode but the one where the girls wear next to nothing and lap dance for the boys.
I calmed down, went down to see if he wanted to
watch a film and walked back out.

Some people have extraordinary low standards!

Who the fuck is GRATEFUL for socks????

Please work on your self esteem!!!

I empathise with @Cowardlybitch . I tell people I don't do presents and that I get upset when I get them.
People either take this to mean that I dislike receiving presents or take it to mean that I am dropping a hint that I would love a present, then they call me ungrateful when I'm not delighted with the pointless crap they give me.

Any comment like 'Please don't get me anything, I get upset if I am given things like a scented candle, an ornament or a set of hand towels' means I will be given exactly that. Then they claim I was dropping hints and that I'm unngrateful.

I'd be VERY pissed off. I'm with you on this one OP.

Go and buy yourself something really nice OP that you've always wanted. I mean really, REALLY nice. A 50th is a special birthday and you are only 50 once.

Please take some advice from me, and refuse to be a Cinderella in your own life story. 💕

I'm a pagan celebrant on the side, I have a full time job as well. A young couple asked for my services, they weren't very well off. I normally charge travel and accommodation so it would have to a few hundred pounds.
I knew they were struggling so I agreed to do it for free if they donated £100 to the Cat's Protection League. They were thrilled.
It was a big wedding with morris dancers that I arranged.
They never sent any money to my charity, the second time I reminded them they blocked me. I never heard from them again.
Your post reminded me of this.

Haven't read the full thread as I'm.short on time but what did you ask for??

Off to Google those socks...

OP that is shocking!!! Only surpassed by my dh who bought me a 'car bin' for Christmas. I nearly cried!

For my 50th though, dh was 50 the same year AND we paid off the mortgage that year so we went to New York!

And i think this is the sort of thing you must now do. Book some flights today for a city break. Much more memorable!

Happy 50th!

I had a similar thing for my 50th, my sister bought me a gift card for £20... for a chain restaurant which isn't even in my area or anywhere near it. I suspect it was re-gifted. Felt like a slap in the face at how unimportant I am.

Yes, you need to book business class seats to somewhere incredible. Use the money, YOU are worth it.

And may this to be a gift to you that unless you know your own worth you can’t expect anyone else to. People will get away with the bare bloody minimum most of the time!

Either all birthdays are special or none are
YABU to think this one is more special than any other

That's rubbish OP. My dh was similarly thoughtless for my 50th and it was the nail in the coffin for our marriage. We were no longer together by my 51st.

How about setting up 5 goals/challenges to do this year? Visiting somewhere you've always wanted to go, seeing your favourite band, reading a book you've never read, having colour analysis or whatever floats your boat. Get your dh to fund one or more of them. Do something on the list with friends and make sure they know it is part of your 50th celebrations.

" I make a real effort with these people and would never buy them something they had expressly asked me not to."

Well, STOP then. Particularly with your husband. Stop buying him lovely thoughtful presents if this isn't the first, second, or tenth time he has got you shite. See how he likes it.
Either he isn't a 'present' person and won't care (me) so at least you know where you stand, and can just agree to not bother and just save your money to buy yourself something going forward
Or he does like presents and will buck his ideas up.

Friends are a bit harder - giving someone who describes herself as a 'keen cook' a recipe book and cooking equipment sounds like they have tried to get you something you'd like but just haven't done very well. It's a bit mean to kick off at them for not being psychic. Did you really "expressly ask them not to" buy you cooking stuff, because that sounds a bit unlikely? Or did you just say 'Don't buy me anything, please just give a gift to charity in my name.'

Perhaps the stuff you've 'thoughtfully' bought them is actually stuff they are thinking 'why on earth would I want this, just because it's tangentially related to my interest?'

Generally I find that the majority of people are actually pretty poor gift givers, particularly those who think they are really good at it, which makes all the angst at Christmas pretty ironic.

Next year give people specific ideas of things you DO want - for some reason some people don't see charity donations/vouchers as 'real presents' so either give them a nudge in the right direction or say 'I really don't want presents, can we please go out to (restaurant/comedy show/gig/whatever)' so they are still happy thinking they have spent money to celebrate you (even if it isn't actually 'on' you). Or give them ideas that are (nearly) impossible to fuck up and you will always find a use for - candles, flowers, nice bottle of wine/gin, "I'd love it if everyone could give me a copy of their favourite book," or whatever.

This is shite @Cowardlybitch , I feel for you. It’s very hurtful. And it’s your 50th!

I agree you should keep the socks and give them to him.

if you have funds, could you take yourself away for a night in a nice hotel, or by the sea? I do things like this when I’m sick of everyone 😂

I think you're being a bit silly really. You could have bought yourself anything you wanted but you chose not to do that.

You predicted what would happen and you knew you'd be angry. And you were correct. So just leave or buy yourself lots of nice presents.

I’m 100% with you op. Shit thoughtless gifts are so hurtful. Especially from your nearest and dearest, but I think even Secret Santa should be thoughtful if you’ve worked with Angie from Accounts for 10 years and you’ve chatted to her daily.

There is NO excuse. None. You can get it wrong occasionally, fine. You may have to try harder if your budget is limited, fine. But to just half-arse it, is like telling me you don’t give a shit about me.

I tell people what I want. I thought it was a useful strategy to avoid random things, although in my family we make a huge fuss about birthdays and people buy lovely presents. However you did that and it doesn't sound entirely successful. I can completely understand why you are very cross. I would put it to one side and take myself off to JL for the afternoon. Nice cake in the cafe, bit of shopping for lovely things. I would also plan what I was getting myself for Christmas. I'm getting a Mulberry bag this year 🙂

'don't buy those socks again' was fairly clear imo, as was 'please donate to X charity as my gift'

Sod them all, then. Book yourself a lovely weekend away on your own to celebrate, and keep the crappy spoon rest to re-gift to your husband on his next milestone birthday. He deserves it. Personally, I'd celebrate with a year of being passive aggressive to all those who didn't listen and gave you crummy gifts. Old aunt Mildred gets a birthday gift of something small and lacy from Ann Summers, a delightful garden gnome for the cousin who lives in a flat etc... you could have some fun planning this.

This

You sound like a spoiled child. So the heck what! TBH I'm surprised you have friends who get you anything with that attitude.

In the words of the Rolling Stones - 'You can't always get what you want'

My husband very hesitantly gave me the birthday present from him, saying "Now, it seems a weird gift, while you didn't ask for it, I know you want this"...
It was a toilet seat. 🤨

Previously, I had bought a soft close toilet seat but inadvertently picked up the wrong box and didn't realise until after we had it installed a couple of months later. The loud noise of a lid accidentally smashing down goes right through me. I was so annoyed with myself.

So his gift of a soft close toilet seat was actually really appreciated and a good gift! 😂